1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Crushing on a friend, but he doesn't feel the same way, I'm already seeing someone

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Ned B, Jun 27, 2014.

  1. Ned B

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 6, 2014
    Messages:
    107
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Chicago, IL
    I already started a thread on this topic a few days ago, but no one responded, so I am going to try and rephrase it:

    Basically I have a good friend. I sort of fell for him the moment I met him 4 years ago, but neither of us were out then. He's kind of always known that I was attracted to him, but it wasn't a major thing since I thought he was straight and knew it was never going to happen. Then he did come out, and it turns out he doesn't like me that way (I'm not really his type), so it still is never going to happen. But that didn't kill the crush.

    A little over a year ago, I met a man who I love very much (and loves me back). We are pretty committed and are about to get a place together. My friend has become his friend. Both my boyfriend and friend know I still have this attraction, which has made things a bit complicated lately. I really don't want my friend to be anymore than he is. Besides it would be dumb to keep pining over him when it can't happen.

    How do I get over feelings for someone and still keep them as a good friend?
     
  2. Rumpletubb

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 13, 2014
    Messages:
    158
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sweden
    Re: Crushing on a friend, but he doesn't feel the same way, I'm already seeing someon

    In most cases, it's enormously difficult to maintain a friendship with a long-time crush. Since you've had strong feelings for him for a couple of years, chances are that they might not disappear until he's not around.

    I'd try to tell him that you might need distance for a while, so that you can focus on your relationship. Be honest, clear and do tell him how much he means to you as a friend.

    I don't know if this is indeed the best solution and since I don't know you, I can't promise that this is what is best for you. This is just how I probably would have handled it. Give it some thought, and find your own answer.

    I hope more will post here and give other advice, for a larger picture.

    Good luck and I'm sad to see that you are in such a hard sutiation. Hope it all works out well!
     
  3. Ned B

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 6, 2014
    Messages:
    107
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Chicago, IL
    Re: Crushing on a friend, but he doesn't feel the same way, I'm already seeing someon

    Thanks Rumpletubb for your thoughts, and I really hope a few more people will weigh in.

    Distance is rather difficult when he lives down the street, works in the same profession (but not same office) and most of my local friends are also his. I think it's gotten more problematic lately because he used to live a couple hours away; I only saw him once a month. Now it's at least once a week. Plus we are each others' coming out support group.

    If I didn't have him there would be a big hole in my life.
     
  4. Ned B

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 6, 2014
    Messages:
    107
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Chicago, IL
    Re: Crushing on a friend, but he doesn't feel the same way, I'm already seeing someon

    Yesterday my friend threw a big Pride parade party at his house. Everyone was really drunk and horny and my boyfriend unfortunately had to work. I had to watch him first flirt with a couple guys there then hook up with one of them.

    Rationally, I know this was good for him because he has been single for over a year, wants a boyfriend, but hasn't had the courage to make it happen. But my heart hurt so much seeing that. I realized I am not "crushing" like I typed in the thread title; I love him. All I can say is I am so glad I have such supportive friends who understand what's going on, because I don't know how I would have made it through that party otherwise.

    I should have taken care of this long ago, probably before I got romantically involved with another guy. Am I a terrible person for having deep feelings for two men at the same time?