1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Am I kidding myself???

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Tudor, Jun 28, 2014.

  1. Tudor

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2014
    Messages:
    92
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Cumbria
    Brief (who am I kidding?) synopsis to get you all up to speed before I hit you with my big question(s)...

    Have been in an on/off...long distance (as in we're couple of hours away from each other) relationship with my partner since April 2013. My partner has physical health problems and also has bipolar. During this time she has ended the relationship 3 times...whenever she hits a low...stating that it is unfair on me...how her health problems affect her. When she is low/struggling we have very little contact...maybe FB messages, emails the odd text...but no chats by Skype or phone...and probably about 95% of our contact is about her physical/mental health.

    The last time she ended things I was convinced that was the end...I felt it had to be for my own mental wellbeing...I did however remain friends and contact stayed the same...after about 2 months her messages were full of things which pointed to us being a couple again...flirty...she talked of picking a car for both of us...etc. I was due to go visit her...attend an event with her...when I got there I told her clearly we could just be friends...that it was tearing me to pieces her constantly finishing with me...she agreed but flirted outrageously the whole night...I love her so much and we ended up in bed together...the next day we had a really good talk and I told her what I needed from the relationship if it was going to continue...mainly that she had to stop ending it when she had a relapse...she agreed.

    Anyway this was about 3 months ago and true to her word she hasn't finished with me since...however she is going through another bad patch and we haven't had contact other than messaging for about a month...she wants me to go up...to assist with things she can't do on her own...which I don't mind...I want to be supportive and help her.

    I miss her like crazy...I feel like I'm single...but I'm not and yet I don't seem to have any of the benefits a partner should bring...I can't remember the last time (in the last few weeks) when she asked me a question about me...about my life...how I was coping...

    Even discounting what I am experiencing with my partner...I am going through a hard time at the moment...my life is pretty crappy...and she doesn't know...I know mental illness can make you seem selfish...but I didn't know it was going to be so hard...

    Today when we were messaging I asked her if maybe I could go stay with her for a week...Just spend some quality time together...she said it wasn't a good time...she was too ill (and she is genuinely ill...but I said to her the other day that I was looking forward to the day she saw our relationship as part of her support network (because at the moment she shuts me out)...something that helped keep her (mentally) well - she just responded - I will never be well (totally misunderstanding my meaning) and even having me visit would be too stressful for her...she added that she had been more thinking of me coming up for a weekend sometime and doing some jobs for her that she couldn't do...

    So my questions ...
    has she stopped seeing me as a partner...am I only the handyperson/carer...and only then when it suits?
    Do I just ride out the rough and hope that should her health improve then our relationship will improve too?
    Am I kidding myself when I say I'm in a relationship...I'm loved...wanted?
     
  2. Madman

    Madman Guest

    This post is certainly not too long, and frankly that comment was rather less than helpful and unnecessary. Anyway, it's difficult to form an opinion given that I don't know you personally but I'm inclined to say that it may take some people longer than others to reach a point in any given relationship, romantic or otherwise, to let people in. If you continue to offer support and act as a pillar of strength then it's not illogical to think the relationship will continue to evolve. Try subtly to sail the waters and lead the conversation to things outside of mental illness and other, equally cumbersome, subjects and into something lighter. While eing able to discuss heavy matters is important in close relationships a little levity goes a long way when you can bring a smile to a loved one's face when things are intense. Keep us updated, I'd love to see this work out for you.
     
  3. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi, and welcome.

    Apologies for the less-than-helpful post that's now been removed. Please don't ever worry about making long posts, as there are plenty of them on EC (and I'm as guilty as anyone of making them.)

    It's really hard to give a reliable answer here, but I think it's safe to say that this relationship probably isn't the healthiest.

    Among the things that are important in any healthy relationship are honest give-and-take, openness, and vulnerability. It sounds like there's a pretty major imbalance here where the other person's needs are being met on her terms, but yours aren't being considered or met hardly at all.

    Given the fairly long timespan involved, it doesn't sound like something that has changed or is changing very much. So the real question here is: do you deserve better than this? Do you deserve someone who will truly love and respect you, listen to you, care about you, and treat you with kindness and understanding? If so, are you getting that from this person?

    If you believe you deserve those things... and are not, it is probably time to move on and find someone healthier.

    If you don't believe you deserve those things... there is a much bigger issue you need to address within yourself, because *everyone* deserves those things.
     
  4. Tudor

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2014
    Messages:
    92
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Cumbria
    Thank you for your response...more what I was hoping for than the previous one :slight_smile:

    When we are face to face the interaction is much lighter...it seems every time we part she has these lows...I knew about her health from first contact...we met online and she was extremely honest...but within months of first getting together her physical health took an unexpected turn for the worse...she finds it difficult to believe I still fancy her...want to be with her and she becomes consumed with her own thoughts...I reassure her constantly that I see the person she is...not her illnesses...but it is hard sometimes...the medication she takes mess with her emotions...and although she says she loves me...displaying affection for her is hard (because she is always in pain...her meds...etc)

    I don't want to give up on us...this is my first serious lesbian relationship...the first relationship I've allowed someone see the inner me...the first time I've loved someone :-(

    Thank you again for taking the time to read my post and answer it so thoughtfully :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 28th Jun 2014 at 09:21 PM ----------

    Thank you Chip...what you say makes sense...and deep down I know I deserve better...I know that its not healthy for me...I feel out of balance...some days coping fine...accepting of the situation and other days desperately unhappy and unfulfilled...
    I have found it hard to end it because; I know how she acts towards me is driven by her health and not because she doesn't care or because she wants to hurt me...and secondly because she has been so let down in the past...by family, friends and partners who all abandoned her because of her health...I told her I could cope...that her illnesses (mental and physical) didn't matter...that I wasn't like the others...but I didn't realise how isolated it would make me feel...that I would feel more alone whilst in a relationship than I had when I was on my own...
    I guess I have to do a little more soul searching...I was on my own for 5 years before embarking on this relationship...mainly because I didn't want to lose myself again (I was in a relationship/married from the age of 18-40...which again wasn't healthy for me)...I see the patterns...I am a people pleaser...I did a lot of work building my self esteem...my confidence before getting back into the dating game...but I see myself making the same mistakes again and I don't know how to break this cycle