It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. Well, is. Now clichés aside, I’m able to express the situation I’ve been dealing with for a while now. I don’t know if anyone cares or will even reply; I don’t blame you. But on the off chance that someone reads this and cares, thank you. It’s tough for me to do this and I appreciate your time. I’ll start with the basics, I’m 20 years old. I have a 2 year old son currently being tested for autism. I was married for almost two years and I’m going through a divorce. The separation between me and my ex-wife started over 7 months ago. People tell me “oh, that’s plenty of time. You should be fine now.” But I don’t think they quite understand the complications of it all. I suffer from many mental disorders, and while some may debate that the existence of the disorders are circumstantial and that everyone has a form, yes I can agree with that. But living with these constantly is different than not living with them. For some people, they come and go. But I live with them constantly and know how they can affect your everyday living. Anyways, I have OCD – obsessive thoughts and compulsive actions based on the thoughts, anxiety, depression, insomnia, bipolar disorder, and probably other things too. The divorce started one night when I had this realization while talking to a friend on the phone. I realized that I was unhappy in the relationship I had with my wife at the time. Being 20, a father, married and constantly doubting my sexuality was too much to handle at once. I told my ex at the time that I might be gay – which I really thought was the case at the time. Since then, I’ve been able to explore and learn more about myself regarding my sexuality – I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m bi but lean more towards straight. Well, things moved quickly. She quickly moved out within a couple weeks and started hanging out with a new friend. I figured “sure, if this is what she wants.” But I found out soon after that she lied to me about what was going on. Her “friend” that she stated as a female in the past turned out to be a male. And I knew that he had stayed over at her house before (where she currently still lives). And that happened within the first couple weeks of everything going on. I still had no idea what my sexuality was, what my true desires were, and what I was going to do. We originally started on a break but it eventually turned into a divorce. Well, finding out that she was pretty much with another guy only a couple weeks after our break hurt. It hurt really badly. I thought of the 3-4 years we were together. I thought of our son who was 1 and a half at the time. I thought of all the names we decided on for children. I thought of how we’d never be the perfect family that I always wanted. All of the hopes and dreams that I had with her were shattered, and of course, it was my fault. I pushed her away and there wasn’t much I could do or say about it. Let’s fast forward a couple of months: I thought that I was doing well. I was in a new relationship and was busy to where I didn’t think much about her. But I soon found myself being more and more affected by the things she did. For a while, I thought that I had finally let go. Well, I didn’t. And I still haven’t. So recently, I’ve been dealing with this in a different way. For a while, I turned to alcohol. It helped me forget about my feelings and let me escape from reality. But I realized that it’s only a temporary solution and that it would probably do more harm than good eventually. I’ve gone through so many emotions that I may start feeling numb to everything soon. When I think of her and her boyfriend it still hurts. It hurts that we’re not on good terms and that every night she thinks of him rather than me. It hurts knowing that I’ve been so easily replaced. And for a while, I thought I was worthless. But even though I still feel all that pain, I do feel better than I did before. I held on to so much anger and sadness from everything that’s gone on. I still have feelings for her but they’re not as great as they were before. In all honesty, I feel like we’ve both changed. She’s actually become much more hostile and spiteful. And I’ve become a lot less than I was before. But I’m still lonely. I still hurt from everything. I know that before I can be happy, I need to let go. And I’m trying my best to. This is why I’m writing this today. I know that being able to express these emotions help, I know that from experience. But only time will tell how much longer I have to endure this. But I need help. I need some support. I need to know that I’ll be okay. Because sometimes I feel that I won’t. TLDR;: I'm dealing with a divorce that I caused and I still have feelings for my ex. She's moved on and I need advice and support to keep going.
It sounds like you're on the right track. However I would advise you not to drink as that won't help in the long run. Most likely you will always love this woman at least a little bit. But as time goes on you will start to develop feelings for others and learn to let go and be free. Just don't hang on hoping she will love you again because that will most likely not happen. Just focus on yourself, your child, your career. Your life is just getting started enjoy and don't worry about being tied down to a woman(or man). You have all the time in the world to be comfortable with your sexuality, forget about your ex, and do all the hard things you need to. Just try not to stress to much and just go with what happens happens.
Thanks for the reply. I didn't think anyone would take the time and it means a lot. I know that the drinking was a bad habit. I used it as a temporary crutch but I've learned how to deal with most of it without the need of it. I know that I'll always care and I'm at peace with that. It's just being able to let go of everything that I can't change now. That's the hard part for me. But yeah, you're definitely right. I know these things and I like to believe that I'm still here for a purpose: I have a lot ahead. But I guess I need a lot of reassurance about it.
