So, I wake up. It's late at night, maybe midnight or something. My sister is sleeping beside me and we're in the top bunk of our bunk bed. (The mattress on the bottom bunk is torn apart due to our ferret Juno, so we both sleep on the same bunk. I don't mind; I like having someone to cuddle with.) Not feeling tired, I grab my laptop, get up, and leave the room without a sound to be heard. I go into the living room, then I get out my laptop and play on it for a bit. Then, my mom comes in. She asks me to go on a walk outside with our dog, Cooper. I say yes and we leave. We walk in the darkness before she asks, "So, why do you want to be gay?" I freeze. How did she know about me being a lesbian!? The only person I told was...My sister. She told my mom!? I made her swear not to tell anyone! We end up arguing and while in tears, I begin to tell her of how in the seventh grade, I was never attracted to the opposite sex. I brought up this guy Josh who waned to date me in seventh grade and that I didn't want to date him. I wanted him to just be my friend. We continued to argue and we then arrive at the house to see my sister Megan and my other brother Ryan on the couch, giggling. I march straight up to Megan and, not even caring that Ryan was there, said, "You told her!?" She begins to tell about how she didn't like being the only person knowing and thought I needed support. I found out she also told Ryan and realized that two people in my family also knew without my consent. I couldn't believe it. She knew how important it was to me that I would tell them on my own time and on my own terms! I had trusted her and she stabbed me in the back! I began crying and I yelled, "I hate you all!" Then, I ran off into my room and sobbed in the pillows. Okay. So at this point, you're probably pitying me. After all, nobody likes to be forced out of the closet. But a small, tiny portion of you might be thinking about how this is in the wrong forum. Why isn't this in the "Coming Out Stories" forum if this is about me coming out to my family members? Well, as cliché as this sounds, that was all a dream. That's right. None of it was real. I open my eyes to find myself in my stepsister's room alone. It is dark, but can tell the sun is out from the light coming from the windows. It's early morning and tears are coming down my face. Suddenly, it all comes back. This is my dad's weekend! (My parents are divorced and they take turns having me and my sister on weekends. Dad also usually takes us to grandma's house with Ryan and his girlfriend Kylie on Tuesdays.) He wanted my sister and I to sleep in my stepsister's room since she was housesitting tonight! All of that was a dream! I begin to realize how unrealistic that was. How did I leave my room without "a sound to be heard" when the bed creaks every time I move and the door creaks whenever I open it? Who walks their dog at midnight? Why was Ryan awake? And for the sake of this post, there were some other unrealistic things I left out. There was something I read in an article about looking "more lesbian" or some bullshit and me wanting to cut my hair, though I like it the way it is and it's fairly short anyways. My sister also came out in the living room before I left with my mom without any clothes on (not even a bra)! Now, as I type this post, I realize how insecure I am about my sexuality. My sister is the only one who knows other than me. All this time, I have been keeping a close eye on her. Every time we were at a restaurant, when I would leave to use the bathroom, I was afraid she would tell everyone my secret. I was afraid someone other than my sis would say, "You're gay!?" I'm now realizing why I had thought of that dream; I am afraid about my sister telling everybody. I'm afraid of not being accepted or abandoned for something as silly as liking the same sex. I'm beginning to wonder if this whole sexuality issue is causing a rift between me and my family. I'm thinking of coming out to someone else to get this weight off of my chest, but I can't. I'm not ready. The only reason I came out to my sis was because I wanted to be honest with her when she asked if I was "Seriously gay" that night. So, in a way, I was forced out of the closet. I don't know. I just feel so scared right now. I could really use someone to talk to. This whole thing is leaving me feeling alone. I might go talk about it with my sister in a little bit. I just wanted to share this dream. I know it's not real, but I guess I'm in fear of it becoming real, if that makes sense. Ugh. This is so confusing. Thanks for reading my whole post. (I hope I'm posting in the right forum, lol.) Let me know what you think I should do. :help:
It sounds like you're both scared that she will tell someone, and that you actually want to come out, but scared of doing so. Come out when it feels right. Don't force yourself to tell someone you don't want to yet.
Yeah, that's probably what my dream was trying to tell me. My sister suggested coming out to my mom on a decent night. I'll do it when I'm ready to, I guess. Thanks for the advice.
Despite all non-logical stuff in your story, you had me fooled! As the above have said, bad dreams like yours happen. I've had one myself. Dream so often are based on things in our lives that recently happen, and as being gay/lesbian is on our minds probably everyday, we shouldn't be surprised. My dream was a messy coming out too. When the dream started, my mum just *knew* I was gay, whether I came out or she found out wasn't included in the dream strangely. Now I have always been in the position that I feel my parents will be the last ones to find out. I won't go into the reasoning too much as it's irrelevant in this thread but my excuse is "too much to lose if it goes wrong". My dream was basically the horrible scenario I felt could (small chance) happen. All the questions we hate like "how do you know?" "why did you choose to do that?" and the awful awkward aftermath of it to the point where we just didn't really communicate. I can't remember if anything else happened after that because it's an old dream, but even though it was all fake, it's still worsened my chances of coming out to them anytime soon... EDIT: To answer your question, How old is your sister? This in my opinion should tell you a lot about whether she has the conscience to keep a secret. If you feel you can talk to her about it and she's willing to listen, I think it would help you to do so.
Yeah. Of all the ways to come out, that would be the worst. I'm actually thinking of coming out to a friend of mine before I tell my parents. I'll see how everything works out. I just thought I would be dramatic. You know, make anyone who was reading think it was real just as I did. :lol: Anyway, coming out can be pretty hard. You just gotta do it on your own time, you know? And if the people around you don't accept you, surround yourself with people who will. Megan is 15, turning 16 in November. She should be able to keep the secret, but I'm just getting nervous. I know she accepts me, but I'm just worried I guess. And I'll talk to her about it soon.
