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dating an ex-heroin addict

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Alehkz, Jul 1, 2014.

  1. Alehkz

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    I met this really awesome girl and I really want to date her. Turns out that we had met before. She was a Barista at a starbucks and I used to go to her because I liked her. She was upfront and honest and told me that she used to be addicted to heroin, but not anymore, that she now lives in a rehab facility and has a job again. She wants to take things slow and I'm all for that. I think she is an awesome person but part of me is and wants to not let my guard down. I really want to know her. She seems so cool and so sweet but what are some things to consider when dating someone who used to be addicted to drugs? I have no idea how much that will impact a person. I can only imagine, but nowhere near the reality. I don't know what is appropriate to ask or not or what to say really. I just let her talk to me and I just want to listen. I really like this girl and I am willing to wait and see what she is like and what kind of girlfriend she would be. I just don't know what to expect...

    Can't stop thinking about her.... I want to hold her.... :slight_smile: but Ithink this time I will let her cue me and I'll just let it happen at her pace. It is a steady one. Has anyone ever dated someone who used to do hardcore drugs but cleaned up? How long does it take to recover? Do you ever fully recover? What are some things to consider?
     
  2. Seeingclearly

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    I have and I say by all means date her but keep your guard up to some extent until you understand how much she is in touch with how to handle her addiction. The substance is never the primary cause, there's the disease of addiction but the disease feeds off of someone's insecurities and short comings and if those issues are not addressed, over time they will either relapse or transfer their addiction to another form of acting out (gambling, over-eating, sex addiction). This is not to scare you, this is information I would have wanted when I was in a relationship with a recovering addict.

    If she is in rehab that is great, if she is in counseling, that is also a really good sign. Listening is the best thing you can do for her. Being open and not judging her for her past is key to having a stable relationship with her. If you are unsure about what is ok to ask her, just ask her if it is ok to ask a particular question. Most likely she will be happy to help you understand where she is coming from.

    In my experience the people who have had the most success with keeping their addiction at bay are the ones who learn how to be comfortable in their own skin, not always an easy task but it's those people who I see thriving and having the most successful clean time.

    If you get more serious with her there's always the option of Al-Anon or Nar-Anon for families and friends of addicts. It helps people learn how to handle relationships with their loved ones who suffer from addictive behavior.

    One final note, trust your gut. If you start to suspect something is off, it most likely is. Addicts when active can be masterful liars.
     
  3. Chip

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    It's great that you want to give this person a chance. Here are some thoughts:

    1. All credible rehab professionals very strongly recommend that anyone in recovery not consider dating for at least a year after they have been clean. If she's living in a sober house, she probably hasn't been sober for a year.

    2. Heroin is one of the toughest drugs to kick and maintain sobriety from. The relapse rate is close to 90%, and with heroin addicts, they are never "cured" and for the most part remain at risk of relapse. Once you get past 5 of 10 years clean, the risk decreases, but it is still there.

    3. The issues that contribute to addiction are heavily tied in with codependence. Recovering addicts tend to attract codependent people who want to "help" or "support" or "fix" them. If that's your personality, the relationship won't be healthy unless both of you are very heavily committed to going into therapy and NA (for her) and al-anon or CoDA (for you.)

    4. The risk to you of finding yourself tempted to try heroin, if you stay with her and she relapses, is pretty high. The number of people whose partners got them into heroin, even when they were vehemently against drugs, is enormously high. This is a byproduct of the psychological pattern we tend to have of having our beliefs and values influenced over time by those who are around us.

    5. If she does relapse, it is likely she will lie about it, as nearly all addicts do. If/when you find out, you'll be in a very difficult position.

    I know all of this sounds incredibly negative; it isn't intended to. It's just a factual description of what happens. Though I've never had an addiction to drugs or alcohol, I know people who have been clean from heroin and other drugs for 25+ years, and people who have struggled to maintain sobriety for 15 + years.