My Mother Relapsed

Hi,

First, (*hug*). I grew up with an alcoholic father so I have a little bit of understanding of what it's like living in a family where alcohol is an issue.

Second, I think it's important to understand that alcoholism is a disease in which certain brain chemicals and pathways aren't functioning correctly. These, in turn, affect judgment and decisions made by the alcoholic. In short, you can't blame your mother for her behavior. That doesn't excuse her from responsibility for it, but the point is, she doesn't want to relapse, to disappoint you, to upset your dad, or to cause problems. What it happening isn't a failure of her willpower, her morals, or anything else. It is simply a byproduct of the brain chemistry defect.

Third, most alcoholics relapse at some point. The important piece is doing your best to support her and be there for her as much as you are able. But at the same time, it also doesn't mean shielding her from the consequences of her actions, such as hiding the fact that she's relapsed, covering for her to friends or employers. Balancing that isn't easy.

There is a group called Alateen specifically for teen-aged people whose family members are alcoholics. I would do a search and see if there's an Alateen group near you. It's a wonderful, supportive environment where you'll meet people exactly like yourself with similar problems that you can talk to about what's going on. There's a group called al-anon which is the same thing for adults; your dad could really benefit from going to that if he isn't already.

The other thing to understand is that, almost without exception, the family life of the alcoholic is dysfunctional for a variety of reasons. You and your dad can't guarantee that your mom will stop drinking, get sober, or be the mom/wife that you want her to be. But you can work together, with the rest of your family members, to build a healthy family in spite of the problems caused by your mother's alcoholism.

Again, I have some idea of how difficult this can be. One of the best things you can do for yourself is to talk about it, exactly as you're doing now. And, if you can find it in your heart, to try your best not to be angry with your mom but to recognize her alcoholism as an illness, no different from any other illness, and to try and give her compassion and empathy and love. That's the best antidote there is to heal the shame that often underlies the alcoholic behavior.