I briefly introduced myself in the Welcome Lounge and touched on my life. I thought I'd reach out for some advice here tonight... I've been out for years. Seven years, to be exact. Before then, I had a vague inkling that I might not be straight, but I ignored it because I grew up going to church every Wednesday and Sunday with my grandmother, and believed that being gay was wrong. Then I met Dani. She interviewed me for a job, and as we worked together, we became best friends quickly. At the time, she was three years into a tumultuous relationship and was struggling with what to do. I, being naive and hopelessly romantic and trying to be a good friend, encouraged her to end the relationship and find what would make her happy. Well, she ended it. And almost immediately, we started messing around. She was so charismatic and charming and she had focused all that charm on me. I'd never been in a relationship before -- 23 years old and I'd never even been kissed -- so of course, I fell for her. Well, she wasn't quite over the other girl -- they'd been together a long time, of course she wasn't over her. So, for months and months, she was back and forth. Their relationship was a toxic one full of manipulation and emotional blackmail, and I thought I was so much better for Dani. And so I continued pursuing her, even though she said she needed space, needed to be alone, didn't want to be with either one of us. In the end, I won -- if that's what you want to call it. Her ex kicked her out of their house, and Dani and I moved in together. It was more of the same. Back and forth, back and forth. We were together, but Dani slept with her ex. And it damn near killed me. But I forgave her, and we went on with our lives. Seven years, we were together. And while we had some extreme ups and devastating downs, I loved every day of those years. But I spent so long being angry for the cheating, and she spent so long trying to make it up to me, that we got lost. Which, I guess, is how we got here. She broke up with me two months ago. We'd just bought a house together last March, had gone to Italy together last September, adopted a puppy together in January, and were talking about having children. And she broke up with me. I understand the why of it. I really do. There were things at the foundation of Us that were cracked and we had never taken the time to fix them. She would beg me to stop being angry over her mistake, but I couldn't figure out how. It was the most pain I had ever felt and I didn't know how to let that go. I have let it go now. Even sent an apology to her ex for my part in that clusterfuck of a situation. But too little too late... I spent the last two months living in our house, hoping and praying that we could work things out, until I couldn't take it anymore. I left. And now I'm living with my parents. Which is a place I never wanted to be again. Part of me, a silly, foolish part, still hopes that we will find our way back to each other. I know we have a lot to work on, we both have to figure ourselves out. But in the meantime...I have to figure out how to be me without her. Which is hard when we still have such a connection. I've been moved out for 5 days, and every night she texts me. And we text for hours. Sometimes, we have great conversation, say things that we weren't able to talk about for years. Other times, it's just mundane, day to day things. And I wonder if she's just texting me because she's lonely, or if she misses me and wonders if she made a mistake. I wonder if I should ask her to stop, give me some distance. But I just love that she's texting me at all...which makes me feel pathetic. Anyway, here's what led me to this forum: Like I said at the beginning of my sad little story, I've been out for over 7 years. I don't have a problem telling people I'm gay, I don't have a problem BEING gay. And yet...I find myself absolutely terrified of other gay women. Dani is the only lesbian I know. All my friends are an array of straight women and men, and gay men. Anytime I interact with another gay woman, I feel nervous and...inferior somehow. I don't understand it, but there it is. That is absolutely something I need to work past if I'm ever to move on with my life. I'm nowhere near ready to date anyone else. My heart still belongs to her. But I've got to start somewhere, and I'd love to meet people who may understand what I'm going through. If you've made it this far, thanks for wading your way through my story. I hope to meet some great people here!
I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story. Your post is very well-written and inspired me to continue to be brave myself, as I navigate my own unknowns and uncertain future. I'm afraid I can't really relate on a lot of levels...I am definitely NOT out yet, and do not have as much relationship experience. I do understand what you mean about feeling "inferior" to other gay women - for me though it is because I am new to all this and at 27 I am just realizing that I am queer, so I feel a little bit left behind. I also fell hard for a lesbian co-worker, for me it was definitely unexpected, but I have very strong and real feelings for her. It sounds like you're a strong person and you're doing your best with your current situation. You were very brave to leave your ex and it sounds like that was the right thing to do, for you! I'm afraid I don't have a whole lot of advice, other than to try and be patient with yourself, and put yourself first. I am really struggling with being patient with myself, and the pressure from others, as I'm figuring out my romantic/sexual orientation. It can be hard to be patient and let things unfold, and to forgive yourself for any regrets/perceived past mistakes, etc, while moving forward. I also know you deserve to be happy and to be treated well in a relationship. You deserve to be with someone you can trust. It sounds like you are a brave woman to have been through everything you have experienced, so I bet your confidence around other gay women will grow as long as you continue to put yourself out there. Just keep trying and take it day by day. I hope that is helpful!
Thank you so much for your reply. I don't feel very strong or brave right now. I'm absolutely terrified of what lies ahead. But I know I have no choice but to keep moving. I'm glad you understand what I mean when I say "inferior." Even though I was with Dani for 7 years, I still feel, as you said, "new to all this." I have no doubt we will both be fine, though. Thanks again for your sweet words
