i cant stand my dad anymore i just cant

ok you know what is the worst thing in the world when someone keeps telling you you are a loser the whole day you dont listen you dont let it get to you but from how much my dad wants to make me feel bad about myself i just cant stand it that thoughts that he is giving me are getting into my head from how many times he keeps telling me all this sometimes i laugh and tell him honey if im a loser then just look at yourself before you judge me
yes i do talk back at him so that he can shut the fuck up he dont only tell im a loser im just saying that over all his words are something like that though talking back doesnt always work it makes it worst most of the time
sometimes i try to be nice but it just doesnt work he just want to ruin everything i even made food for him when my mom was away and i just try to be nice but he just didnt change i swear im going crazy from him
idk since when i let him get into my mind i mean i used to get hit by him a lot and he still do it when he really had enough of me but even then i didnt stress myself about it i will just cry or cut which i stopped i switched to yelling with music in my ears
actually i try to be nice i really do i even try to stop talking like a stupid queen which is what he wants so that he can just shut up and stop saying that im nothing and that im a worthless faithless person but trust me it doesnt work no matter what i do he still hates me or i think he does idk i just cant stand him idk what im going to do
i swear next time he make another remark about me im just going to yell at him and tell him to shut the fuck up because i had enough
i just feel like im not a man i didnt get any older im still the same kid who get hit and spit on whenever he is down by his own father who is supposed to be by his side that thought just hurts me when i see good fathers on tv and such i swear i just want to cry and wish my father was by my side at least once
without my mother i will just end up more fucked up she is an awesome lady who is strong and nice she also stand against my dad sometimes but she is kinda sick these days which made her a little weak
also my dad cheated on my mom and that really made a big mess between them and not only that but he blame it on me and said that the pics that my mother saw (of him and his girlfriend) are from the internet and they are from me he is an old man he doesnt know how to lie but just how far does he think im fucked up to make a trouble between him and my mom
besides i know about his gf years before my mom knew i just didnt tell i thought it was some kind of a hook up and if mom knew she would just kill him (she did swear she will she hit him when she knew he cheated god that day i cried a lot because they were going to divorce and its all my fault i left his laptop open and my mother saw the pics when she was looking up the documents ) pretty much she stayed calm to keep the family together and only me and her and my other brother knew about that others just dont know anything
also i didnt come out to my dad and never will because he will just kill me if he knows already hates me because im a flamboyant which is who im since i was a kid it felt more normal in childhood i just felt different about myself but now its all labels just when i look back i didnt know any of this i thought that its ok its just me acting myself i dont have to be like those stupid silly boys now i just see that those silly boys are normal for society and im not i really hate who say that flamboyant boys act like that for attraction well some do but thats not me i dont do it i just act how comfortable i want to act and it turns out like that i used to hide it in front of some people when i was younger but not anymore i just look back and say im stupid for doing that
anyway idk what should i do for my fucking dad he is a fucking homophobe who hates me because i look and act gay which he thinks im doing because im away from god (i swear im not i pray everyday and i really love my god im also religious but i just keep my thoughts to myself religion is a private thing not something the whole world should know about me )
i just wish i can get the hell out of here but i just cant :tears: :tears: :tears:
im sorry i talk a lot :icon_sad:

 

thanks guys ^^
well i tried staying calm but he once hit me saying that he is not talking to the walls
today he is taking a nap after he came back from work which i thank god for im better when he is sleeping most of the day
im just trying to find a way to stop him but i cant lately if i told him he is hurting me in a nice way he would laugh saying what am i a girl -.-

 

i wish there is something like that where i live
but im in syria T-T
but thank you for the advice ♥

 

:tears: :tears: we a have a war here people are being taken by police officers i cant say much than that but the least they can care about is a queen getting hit by his daddy :dry:
i think even if i told someone they would say there other stuff more important happening around me some families have this abuse as a normal thing for raising boys so that they can grow up to be men and the law does not go into family business i have never heard of that not unless someone went to the hospital because of that though my sister did once and nothing happened no one cared that her dad sent her to the hospital by hitting her hard on her head
my brother who my dad love the most never got hit by him EVER because he is the oldest boy or what so ever that he means to him more than me im just nothing to him
i guess i will just shut up put up with it and do nothing it has been going like that for years i got used to it sometimes but i just get sick from this :icon_sad: