Deeply in love with my best friend: I need help.

Hi, everybody. First of all, I'm going to introduce myself, so you can understand a little bit more what I have to tell... English is not my mother tongue and I'm sorry about it... The thing is that forum is the most serious I've ran into. I don't think there is such one in my mother tongue.

I'm a guy, I'm 22 and, as far as I know, I'm gay. It's not a problem for everyone around me. My friends knows it, and my family as well. I'm accepted by everyone. I've already been into a relationship when I was younger (for 3 years) but I ended it because I was young and not ready. I wanted to live something else... It was really hard for one year but I'm ok now. The thing is that I don't have any gay friends or anything. I didn't have sex or even kiss another guy since a long time (like... 2 years) because I'm not attracted to any gay of my city, I'm not feeling well with the gay clubs and everything. It's just not me. I can't have sex with a guy I barely know and I think I'm really picky.

One year and a half ago, I got closer with a straight guy. He is the boyfriend of my best friend and we started to party together and to get along really well. He asked me to live with him and I said yes. So in september I moved with him and another guy and I've just spent the best year of all my life. He basically became my best friend.

This year, my female bestfriend (her girlfriend) spent 6 months abroad. I was with him all that time. We did everything together. Sometimes, we slept together in his bed. We did a lot of parties, a lot of experiences... I dscovered drugs, as well... I don't know who knows party drugs here, but sometimes you live incredible things. I lived them with him. (I'm not a drug addict, that were just experiences...)

He's like my great brother. But sometimes, especially during parties, he can be special. There's this one special night where we slept together, in each other's arm, for exemple. It's really hard to explain how he is with me, because you don't know him, but... I think he was missing his girlfriend and I have basically the same character than her and he also took care of me because of that.

The thing is that I'm now deeply in love with him. Like I've never been in love like that with someone in my life. I can feel him inside me, under my skin. When I close my eyes I see his blue eyes. Sometimes when I'm with him I just want to be in his arm. I love everything about him. I could do everything for him to be happy.

Now my best friend came back and they're moving together in augustus. For now she's in our flat but we all have to move by the end of this month. I have to write my thesis (you can imagine how hard it is when you can't stop thinking about a person) and by the end of augustus, my studies will be over. I have an opportunity of an internship abroad next year... But everything is over now.

I'm a mess. I should be happy to see my bestfriend back but I'm devastated. I'm living with both of them now... And I'm just asking myself why. Why does it have to be me? I don't want to be gay anymore, I'm just tired of all that. This is by far the most painful experience I've ever experienced, and I can't tell no one. Maybe he knows, maybe she knows, too. But they won't say anything to me because I think they like me too much. I'm dreaming about him, I'm thinking about him... when I'm receiving affection from him, it's like receiving a dosis of drug. Actually, he is the most addictive, painful, dangerous drug I've ever tried: I know it's not good, and I keep staying around him.

When it was over with my boyfriend, I lived difficult times. Now I'm living somethig even more difficult, though I never even kissed him. It's just not fair...

You know, I'm a really sensitive person, I'm weak. I'm controled by my emotions. And now I have the feeling that it's too much for me, that even my body's getting weaker because I can't stand it anymore. I'm even thinking more and more about suicide.

I just can't date any gay guy.... Because of him I'm just attracted to straight guys now... Like physically attracted. How can I construct a future when I know I won't be able to meet a good gay guy? Only straight men turns me on.

Here's my story.... It's kind of hard to explain everything in one post... The relationship I constructed with my friend and everything... It's hard to explain it in english and to put words about the relationship I have with him. But I hope you'll understand it.

Thanks for reading me. I don't even understand why I wrote this, since you can't really change the facts... But I think it was like a desperate call.... Because really, I just can't stand it anymore and I'm afraid of what I'm capable of...

 

Hello,

Thank you for your messages. The problem is that I'm not believing in a "chance" for him to love him. I think he's straight and that's all. He looks so happy, right now, that her girlfriend has came back...

And I can't tell him, for two reasons. I'm afraid of losing him as a friend. Before him, I've never had such a friend. He's like the most precious friend I've never had.
Secondly, her girlfriend is my best friend as well. I know her for years and she's like my sister. If I tell him such a thing, my circle of friends will explode. It's like losing everyone. I know it because i don't have any hope about his feeling. I just know that his love for his girlfriend is bigger than any other one.

Now, I'm just thinking about him being happy in his future, with his girlfriend and his future children. If they're happy, I'm happy. And I just want to disappear and let my seat on Earth to someone stronger. I don't even want to be happy anymore, I just want to stop being hurt. Just some rest.