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First relationship only a month old and in trouble already

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by qwe, Jul 7, 2014.

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  1. qwe

    qwe
    Regular Member

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    Recently I've been coming to terms with being gay (now 29) and last month I met the most amazing guy, he lives 2 hours away from me but we've seen each other regularly.
    He texted me every day saying he missed me and how me liked me a lot. It was all going so well.

    Anyway last weekend he came up to visit me, I had it all planned out the perfect weekend lined up or so I thought. Yet I'm socially awkward (always have been) and this is my first relationship.

    Now I made a few mistakes over the weekend, walking ahead of him in the street, I had trouble sleeping one night and was quite noisy but then made a special effort the Saturday night to be as quiet as a mouse, I pointed out a few things that he took as criticisms and by far the biggest thing...he was taking a while on the toilet so I opened the door without knocking and asked if he was nearly done. There wasn't much concern in my voice.
    Over the weekend we talked through these issues and thought we were ok with each other. He gets train I say "I'll miss you" he replies "you too".
    I text him wishing him a safe journey. No reply that evening or night.

    Looked at his fb this morning and was shocked to find posts such as "Why do I let myself be used? I keep ending up with guys I'm not happy with" and "I'm going to break down soon, sometimes I wish I wasn't gay". I was stunned. I even mentioned on Sunday morning that he still seemed a little angry with me and he said no everything was fine. I thought we'd talked through all our issues and later on I still thought we were "together" and would move on.

    Seeing these posts though has left me stunned. Need advice urgently. What to do? Just time? Is it all over now?

    I've always found making friends difficult so finding a gay guy I not only felt attracted to but also had a deep connection with felt like 1 in a million. Hence I'd do anything to patch things up. I want to write him a card and send him a present but really don't know what to get. Still no reply on what's app.

    Why didn't he say something when he had the change? He's a psychologist so knows all about talking through issues but it really feels like he was just polite until he could get away from me (via his pre booked train) and now won't speak to me again. He even mentioned how arguments in a relationship are healthy.

    I've had so many false starts and this guy was so so different, so nice, made me feel happy with myself for the first time in years. I honestly feel like he's irreplaceable and (I know it sounds kinda silly) having a real hard time atm trying to do anything else. All I want is a second chance. More than anything else right now. I just want to jump on a train and go and visit him.
     
    #1 qwe, Jul 7, 2014
  2. UsernamePending1

    UsernamePending1
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    I'm so sorry that you have to go through this, but it's sorta how I feel right now as well.. I think if it's meant to work out, it will without too much frustration, but there's nothing you can do... We can only prey for our affection to be reciprocated, it's not an obligation :slight_smile:
     
    #2 UsernamePending1, Jul 8, 2014
  3. mangotree

    mangotree
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    I'm sorry that you're going through this.
    Having been on both ends of similar situations in the past, I've got good and bad news.
    It might be salvageable - it's going to be difficult though.

    It sounds like it's all happening very very fast.
    It might not feel like it to you, but everyone moves at different speeds in relationships.
    I'd suggest just slowing down a little bit and giving him time to miss you.
    The harsh reality is - at the moment, he probably feels a bit smothered and needs some space.

    You will feel like you're going crazy while you're waiting for him to contact you again. Unfortunately it won't be easy at all.
    I don't want to make you more upset, but to be honest - there's a small chance that it could be over as far as he is concerned.
    Fights and disagreements at this stage of a relationship are just as likely to make a relationship stronger as they are to make it dissolve.

    If I was you, I certainly wouldn't go doing any big romantic displays of appreciation (cards, flowers etc..) as it would make him feel more smothered and make you look desperate and clingy. Even if you ARE feeling desperate - acting desperate won't get him back.

    Sorry if some of this hurts.
    I don't mean to be harsh.
    I do sincerely hope that the situation improves and that he wakes up to himself and realises how wonderful you are.
    Sometimes you've got to be prepared for what might not be the perfect/desired outcome.

    Peace! and good luck (*hug*)
     
    #3 mangotree, Jul 8, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2014
  4. Chip

    Chip
    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    Hi,

    First, I know how this feels, and it sucks. It can be really, really hard to make connections, and whatever wounds we carry ourselves will necessarily carry into our relationships.

    It sounds like it just wasn't a connection for him. And, like many people, it is really, really hard to say that in person. People don't want to hurt other people, and there's no easy way to say to someone "I'm sorry, this just isn't working for me."

    One thing I pick up from what you've described is a lack of confidence in yourself. Walking ahead of someone might be a little inconsiderate but should basically be a non-issue; if he took it as a big one (or you did), then there are some serious self-esteem issues there. Likewise, noisy sleeping? That's not something in anyone's control. Now if you snore louder than a jet engine, it might be a legitimate dealbreaker, but I doubt that's the issue so, again, it sounds a little unreasonable on his side.

    The going into the bathroom without knocking is a bit of a boundary issue, but again, it should be pretty minor and in the realm of ordinary getting-to-understand-one-another things.

    Honestly, what it sounds like is that both of you have pretty strong insecurities. His may be manifesting as a desire to be controlling (I can't tell for sure, but that was my first instinct), and his Facebook post, about being used, is at once floodlighting (not something one should be blabbing to their Facebook friends) and a bit of "victim mode."

    One of the toughest things about developing gay relationships is realizing that nearly all gay men have all the family-of-origin problems, hangups, shame, and insecurity that straight people have... but then we get an extra serving that's a result of internalized homophobia and messages we get growing up. So on the whole, gay men have a lot less self-confidence and sense of worthiness than our typical heterosexual counterparts. And this comes out first and foremost in our relationships; we have difficulty being open and honest because we're afraid we'll lose the other person when, in reality, though we might lose them... if the person is so unhealthy that being open and honest causes them to go away, this isn't someone we *want* to be with, because the relationship will never be healthy.

    I know this isn't what you want to hear. But I think if there's a shred of possibliity of making this work, you both must be willing to open up and talk honestly and not hold anything back. And I doubt that will be easy for either of you. But you can always try :slight_smile:
     
    #4 Chip, Jul 8, 2014
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