Okay, so I had big long post I was gonna do but nobody probably cares to read all that so I will try to just condense things. Also, there is a chance the person I am referring to could see this, but I really really need to talk about things so I just have to take that risk. I'm sorry if he does see this though. Basically, a friend of mine recently came out to me as being a trans guy (though he kind of beat around the bush being so nervous). He identified as gender queer before and still currently presents as female. I've kind of had a crush on him since I met him earlier this year. Not really sure what he thinks of me, but I'm the first person he communicated these feelings with, so he at least obviously trusts me. He frequently contacts me via text (really our primary means of communication right now since it is summer break for college). We seemed to be closer after he came out to me. I had communicated with him in our discussion prior that I wasn't 100% gay and that I had a possible interest in guys. As he is pansexual, I asked him about the difference between bisexual and pansexual and got the conversation rolling from there.I asked him about being gender queer after and that's when he came out to me. We texted each other quite a lot over the next few days. He would normally fall asleep and then respond to my last text in the morning. On July 4th he had a parade that he was in and he texted me some pictures of him getting into costume for his parade thing, and then afterwards texted me a few more pictures, one with just him making a face and a message saying "I'm tired", and then another with his hair kind of screwed up from the hair dye from his costume with a message saying, "This is pleasant". I don't know if that means anything though *shrug*. I'm so shitty at this stuff. He let me know he wouldn't be able to text much that night but he did reply to me a few times. He complained about having to wear a dress and I told him I was sorry and hoped that he was having a good time despite that. When he got home a few hours later he texted me saying that he thought I would probably be asleep but he just wanted to say good night and that he hoped I had a good afternoon. I replied a little bit later once I saw the message but he was probably already asleep by then. Normally, as of the few days prior to that at least, he would text a reply to my message that he got after he had fallen asleep when he woke up in the morning but this time he didn't. I just thought oh well, I will just show some effort and contact him and I contacted him a little bit before noon. We seemed to be having pretty good conversation, he was giving me good long answers and everything. I asked him what he was up to and he told me he was pretty much just chilling at home alone and then he asked me what I was doing and I told him, and then he just never responded to me. As of the last few days, he had done that a few times but he would always text me later and at least say something. I just felt like we were getting close and that he possibly cared about me as more than a friend (there are other signs he could possibly like me too, such as he always seems kinda nervous when talking to me, not wanting to bother me by rambling on about something and just apologizing for stuff. He also would stare at me a lot, like way more than a friend would I feel). I'm just so confused because things seemed to be going so well between us and he suddenly just stopped talking to me. I mean, it could have been that he thought we had just been talking way too much, as my texting log with him barely goes back further than a week now because we talked so much. I just don't want to bother him. Normally if I text him though and then he seems busy and I try to leave him alone he will tell me not to go, or that I don't have to go if I don't want to and that it would be nice to have someone to talk to despite being busy. And it wasn't like he had to keep talking to me either. I gave him plenty of chances to cut out of the conversation if he wanted to with some short one word replies after he gave some short replies, but he would always keep the conversation going (referring to this last week). I just... I really really like him and frankly I don't really care what gender he is. Whether he is male, or non-binary/genderqueer, or w/e. I just know that I really like him, and I even think he looks cute presenting either as a guy (which he totally already passes as when he is in drag) or as a girl. It's kind of confusing for me as I have never had romantic feelings for a guy before (though I have had sexual attractions to some men, though they are few and far between. This guy I like is one of those, though I still have some weird "I can't like guys" feelings drilled into me from male socialization). Today it had been two days since I last contacted him and since he still hadn't responded I decided to send him a text telling him some good news about me getting my name change soon. He responded some time later with a ""yay!!!!!". As he just gave me a one word response, and he suddenly stopped talking to me a few days before, I just kind of assumed that he didn't want to talk so I didn't reply back to him. I also kinda didn't reply because I was slightly hurt by his sudden disappearance the other day. I feel kinda shitty and manipulative for doing that now too. I just don't know what the hell I am doing. All I want to do is talk to him, but I'm afraid that he doesn't want to talk to me and is trying to ignore me and that if I keep messaging him that i am going to drive him away. But I mean, he has initiated contact with me a bunch of times and always seems willing to talk to me whenever I contact him, so what if he just wants me to try to initiate contact more? But if that were true, then that doesn't make sense because lately I had been, and that's partially what led us to talking to each other all day for several days. Of course, he could just simply see me as a friend too, and I am just way over analyzing everything. I'm 22, almost 23 and I've never been in a relationship before, and I've never even been kissed before, and I feel really worthless because of that and also because of being trans and I feel like I'm an ugly troll/science experiment, and that nobody in their right mind could ever want me, and nobody ever has wanted me. And because I feel so worthless, I know that I'm even less likely to find someone because I'm so radically unconfident. This guy is cute, smart, nerdy, artistically talented and he's always kind of there for me when I need him, and I just like him so fricken much...ugh. I know he has had unpleasant dating experiences, owing in large part to him being trans as well. I feel like he has low self-confidence too because of this and I just want him to know how amazing I think he is. Ugh, my mind is a mess, and I also kind of hate myself for being this totally weird and annoying and obsessive person. And again, if the person I am referring to sees this, I am just sorry for being a weirdo... I feel like I need to find out how he feels about me or I'm just going to continue to obsess and agonize over this. I won't see him in person for like another month though when we move back to the town our college is in to go back to school. I also don't want to ruin our friendship by admitting that I like him though, as I really need to be there to help him because I know that he wants to come out to more people but doesn't know how, and as I have already been in transition for a few years, I can help him greatly I feel. I also have to work with him as he is the chair of the GSA at my school and I am an executive as well. If anyone has any advice for this seriously messed up girl, I'm all ears. Sigh. And yes, this IS the "condensed" version, sadly.
