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People always seem to choose their ex's over me

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Hyrule Wayfarer, Jul 8, 2014.

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  1. Hyrule Wayfarer

    Hyrule Wayfarer
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    Hi guys i'm really just feeling like venting atm, and I don't really have anyone to talk to about this. I'm a 21 year old lesbian who hasn't ever been in relationship before. I have been going on dates with women who i've met in gay bars or clubs.

    Things seem to go well at first, but then the people always seem to say they are going back to their ex. I feel like how can I compete with people's pasts and all of the memories and history these people have shared. :bang: I also wonder if people are just using me to make their ex's jealous.

    Its starting to really bum me down. I've never had a relationship and when girls find this out (This includes girls I meet in gay bars and the ones who agree to go on a date with me) they always ask me why and look at me strangely. :rolle: They look at me like a freak and I have considered lying to these girls when I meet them to say I have had a girlfriend before, because I hate the way they look at me when I say I haven't. :icon_sad: I feel very hopeless and lonely. I regularly consider dating men just for the company, because they approach me in normal daily life not just in bars/clubs. :icon_sad: *sigh* This horrible revolving door is making it difficult for me to feel comfortable with who I am.
     
    #1 Hyrule Wayfarer, Jul 8, 2014
  2. HTBO

    HTBO
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    Maybe it's because you are meeting them in bars or clubs; they are there because they are trying to get over someone and bars and clubs are usually a good place to go post break up to try and move on.
    I understand about competing with histories, and memories. I've never had a relationship with a woman, and I am trying to meet some in an older age group than you. It feels like there is a lifetime I missed out on with other people. I was married and I have kids, which causes many to be nervous because they think I may go back to my ex or that I'm 'curious'. How do I tell them I have no interest sexually, emotionally or romantically in men, only women and that I'm not curious but finally realized I'm a lesbian after repressing and denying for so many years and that getting married was a part of that, not because I was straight.
    Be patient, and you will find someone who is right for you. Be active in activities you enjoy. Is there a university or college near you, they may have some type of LGBT group, or even look in your community, there may be LGBT centers where you can meet others. Have you tried online dating? It may not seem ideal, but there are people in your age category there as well and you may find some people with common interests. Even if they only become friends, they may have other fiends that could potentially be a future girlfriend. The key is to meet new people and be open to new friendships, and your network and possibilities will grow.
     
    #2 HTBO, Jul 8, 2014
  3. Hyrule Wayfarer

    Hyrule Wayfarer
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    I never really thought about it like that. I guess some people will use bars/clubs as a post break up place. :rolle: I guess I just don't know where else to go.

    I cant imagine how difficult it must be to have been been married with children and then to come out. I had a boyfriend for two years in an attempt to hide in the closet and it was horrible. Like you said about telling them of your no interest in men, I found that people just didn't believe me so I have erased him from history, and dont tell people about him at all now if they ask.

    I have just finished uni and I briefly went to their LGBT group and it was a small group but It felt like I was invading a well established friendship group. I am searching for other groups in the area that i might be able to go to.

    I haven't ever tried online dating. The thought of it makes me feel unbelievably nervous, and a little pathetic. :icon_sad: I feel like this is the only option open to me, and I am gonna have to do it in the future.
     
    #3 Hyrule Wayfarer, Jul 8, 2014
  4. stocking

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    I am going through the same thing and this girl I met at a gay bar just broke up with her ex as I later found out that night , she also found out that I never had a girlfriend before and I'm thinking of just going there and not saying that I'm a baby lesbian because it seems like lesbians with experience want nothing to do with baby lesbians .
    I don't want to lie if she asks me I will tell the truth but I hate it when that happens and your not the only one hun I'm going through this too . I hadn't gotten as far as dates but it sucks when these girls prefer their exes . I say let them chase their ex , don't waste time on them but I sure hate being alone . :icon_sad:
    This post makes me feel like I'm going to be alone forever .
    so is gay bars no longer a great place to meet women ?
     
    #4 stocking, Jul 8, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2014
  5. wanderinggirl

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    Were gay bars ever a great place to meet women? I know of one or two lasting relationships/friendships that started out in a bar, but generally they're not the best place because people are at their shallowest, it's hard to talk, and it's not based around sharing any common interests or experience. Sure, you could get lucky. Give it a shot. But don't be disheartened or take it personally if it doesn't work out.

    That being said, it really sucks that all these women are going back to their exes. "I'm going back to my ex" always sounds more like "I make poor life choices and I don't learn from my mistakes" to me; but that's just me.
     
    #5 wanderinggirl, Jul 8, 2014
  6. Hyrule Wayfarer

    Hyrule Wayfarer
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    Well thats the thing where else are you meant to meet a group of gay people. I know people might shout 'gay pride' but i think its hardly a place you can turn up to completely alone and just start talking to a bunch of strangers without seeming like a weirdo (&&&):help: I have asked my friends to come with me to gay bars multiple times but they always refuse (so i have to go alone) then when i tell them i have been or am planning on going later that day they always say they dont like me going alone and are 'worried'. :rolle: If they cared that much they would come with me *rant over* :eusa_doh:

    Yeah I do agree with what you said about not learning from mistakes :thumbsup: thats why it is so damn frustrating. Im sure one day i'll find someone where this wont happen (*hug*)

    ---------- Post added 10th Jul 2014 at 11:34 PM ----------
    Yeah I totally understand that, I get that all the time too. It makes me sad that we seem to get instantly discounted just cause we don't have the same relationship histories as everyone else.
    haha I know i feel like i'm gonna be alone forever too lol (*hug*) I feel like you can meet women at gay bars, it just hasn't ever developed into anything serious for me. I think internet dating might be an option, but the thought of it makes me feel really nervous and shy. :icon_redf
     
    #6 Hyrule Wayfarer, Jul 10, 2014
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