My girlfriend of 7 years and I broke up a couple months ago. We'd just bought a house together, and so I continued to live there for those couple months, until it became too hard and I moved out. I've been moved out for a week, exactly, today. We ended on fairly good terms. We were still friendly and still speaking to each other. Occasionally she would try to pick fights, but I had stopped giving in. The night before I left, we watched a movie and had dinner together, and we cried and hugged and it was sad. Then I moved out. I fully expected to not hear from her for a while, and it was my intention to not contact her, either. Well...she's been texting me every single night since I left. And we've been having good conversations, about things we should have discussed while we were together. It's weird. I don't know what to make of it. It's like...she says these things to me that make me believe this breakup isn't what she wants anymore than it's what I want. For example, I went to the beach the other day, and she said to me, "Have fun at the beach for me. I have fond memories of your arms around me in the water." Or the next day, "Your new Facebook pic is very pretty." Or last night: "I keep refusing to call that place (my parents' house) your home." What IS that?? She's made it fairly clear that this breakup is "for the best," and when I bring up the possibility of a future together, I get "Maybe," or "You never know what the future holds." And then she says those things to me. And the moment I come back with an "I miss you," or "This isn't my home. YOU are my home," she changes the subject or doesn't respond. It's so frustrating, and I don't know what to do. Should I stop responding to her texts? Should I keep talking to her? I don't know. Help???
It sounds like she's having a hard time letting go of the attention you gave her. If I were you, I'd stop responding for a while and see what happens.
Clearly she is still very emotionally attached to you, which is not surprising after 7 years of relationship. Do you want to break up with her? Cause it sounds like she doesn't know what she wants.
The breakup was not my idea. I completely understand the reasons behind it, and I don't blame her at all for breaking up with me. I have made it no secret that I would love to work things out, at some point, but we both have agreed that we need space to work on our own personal issues. Which is why I didn't expect to hear from her at all once I moved out. But between the texts and calls for me to "pick up some mail," there hasn't been a single day that we haven't had contact with each other. My friends tell me I need to distance myself, to stop responding to her, that she's messing with my head and wants to keep me hanging on, just in case she decides I'm still what she wants. I don't really think that's it. I think she's torn. We have a long history and we love each other a lot. She may be lonely, and that may be the reason behind her constant contact. I'm not sure. It's all so confusing.
I HATE to play devils advocate, but i need to for a minute... your friends "might" be right... However, either way i think the response is the same. I would stop responding fr a while. When I first started reading I thought, ahhh absence makes the heart grow fonder... meaning she is torn. But if everytime you get a text you respond and your always intimate/romantic I dont see things ever working out... That makes the relationship unequal, like you are just sitting around waiting for her, while she is living her life... however if you quit responding romantically, start seeing other people, etc it will show her that she really is might lose you and at that point she will either realize that is not what she wanted or that it is... but I dont see her ever getting to that point so long as she can keep leading you on... i hope this makes sense, and more importantly I hope every thing works out for the best. Sucks that things are not going well right now, but your head is in the right place, even if hers isnt...
Thanks for your thoughts. I do feel like this whole thing is unequal. She says pretty much whatever she wants (hence the messages I mentioned earlier), but if I say anything nearing emotional intimacy, she backs off. Or if she gets the response she's looking for, she changes the subject like I never said anything. I don't get it because we have really been having some good conversations via text lately, about our relationship and what went wrong. She's really sounded like she doesn't want this breakup either (saying things like "I hate this," or "This really sucks. For both of us," referring to the breakup). But she won't flat-out say she misses me or anything along those lines. The one time I said I missed her, she never responded. And, actually, now that I think about it, she hasn't really been too communicative since I said that. It's almost like she wants all the control over everything. She wants to set the boundaries and initiate contact and whatever. So, yeah. I do think distance is the best option here. If she texts me, I'll be nice, but I'm not going out of my way anymore to be as nice and supportive and willing to admit fault in our breakup as I have been. I feel like I've been pretty much groveling every time we talk... It sucks. I miss her. A lot. But I can't keep feeling so confused. Hurts too much, ya know?
I really dont. I almost wrote I do, but honestly my longest relationship was only 9 months and it was with a girl in high school that I broke it off with because I realized our feelings were just the, "we are in high school we have to date someone" type. I will say that I know what it is like to be on the unequal side of things. It sucks big time. But you just have to stay strong. From what I have read, I dont see much on what caused the break up to occur... what does she say when you are talking about it?? it seems odd to break up after 7 years without cause or rather without something big happening...
There wasn't one big event that caused the breakup. It'd been simmering for a while, and the way she tells it, it's all my fault. I'm the absolute first to admit that I wasn't perfect. I didn't listen very well, I didn't communicate effectively, and I was angry for a very long time for something she had done within the first year of our relationship. She likes to say she spent the last few years making up for one mistake that I wouldn't let go. Thing is: I forgave her because I love her and I still wanted to be with her. But it was the worst pain I'd ever felt up to that point and so I got scared and I built walls. I know she's right when she says I stopped being vulnerable. But I have done nothing but be vulnerable for these last few months. I've also managed to let go of the anger. But too little too late? Who knows? So...yeah. She'd been asking me to "change" for a while. To learn how to communicate more effectively (I tend to shut down when we fight, or say "I'm sorry you feel that way), I couldn't let go of the past and so on. So basically, I guess you could say she lost patience with me. Which is understandable, although I have been changing those things... Either way, that doesn't change where we are right now. But that's the basic reasoning behind the breakup. There are lots of layers to all of that. Love is complicated, and so it's hard to explain these things.
Honestly, she could be hanging onto you for the reasons others suggested, but I find that when something like this happens, it's because the person doesn't want to be alone. When you're on your own a lot, without other people's feelings and problems to attend to, you start to have to deal with your own feelings and issues...and that's really hard to do, super scary even. So, because she's largely blaming you for the breakup (regardless of whose fault it is) it's probably easy for her to justify taking comfort in you (to not feel totally alone), without really having to worry about your feelings in the matter. At any rate, you deserve better than that. Breakups are complicated, especially with people you've been with for such a long time, but you deserve better than something so one-sided and kind of dishonest (if she didn't want to be with you, then why is she hinting otherwise) without regard for the space you might need to get over this. I don't think there's anything wrong with asking for a little clarity on what she really wants from you or asking for space and time should you need it. (*hug*)
Thank you for your response! I do agree with you that it's possible she just doesn't want to be alone and deal with her own feelings and issues. We've talked a couple times about how we "both have things to work on," and I know I've actively been working on myself. But I'm not so sure about her. It seems like she's trying to hide from herself more than anything. I got frustrated tonight by all this, and I just wanted to get to her a little. And so I updated my Facebook status (yes, we're still Facebook friends) to something about being off for two days and hanging out with friends, old and new. I added the "old and new" part because she knows ALL my friends, and so there's nothing for her to wonder about there. I kinda want her to wonder, you know? Like, worry a little that I might be just fine without her? I don't know. Maybe it was immature. But she was the first person to like my status, then she texted me about how I had mail at the house again, and maybe we could meet tomorrow so she could give it to me and discuss my writing (I'm writing a novel, and she's been my "plot doctor" for years, helping me when I'm stuck. Last week, she helped me get un-stuck, and so wants to read what I wrote and see how it went.) Does it make me a sad, pitiful thing that I agreed, and we're now meeting for lunch tomorrow? Sigh...
Hmmm... well, for starters, you are definitely not sad or pitiful or a thing... The facebook move, I knew what you were gonna do when I got to the we are still facebook friends thing... Its not immature, its typical... its like when you are worried about the fact you have not heard from someone your crushing on in a while, so you text them a random text that you plan on telling them, oops wrong person, when they reply, just to see they do and ask how they are... its kind of like telling someone you have their mail just so you have an excuse to ask them to lunch . It means you care about them. I would say it was a good thing actually, because it starts to bring you two back to equal ground... Im glad it worked for you, however I am curious if you have been considering long term solutions? My first thought is couples counseling... you could also consider individuals counseling if your concerned about couples... Either way you both could get help with your issues... There is also going on a couples retreat, sort of shore up your relationship, hell maybe you can start a tradition of going every 5 years or something, to become reconnected with each other... just thinking off the top of my head... Last little thing, I wanted to point out, I have ZERO experience in same sex coupling. I am speaking from my experience with women only, which I suppose may be a positive thing, but I just wanted to point it out so you were aware lol.... Given my lack of experience I do not know if the ins and outs are any different (excuse the innuendo )...
I've actually thought about couples counseling, but I don't know if I'd convince her to go. I'm going to start seeing a counselor on my own soon. I think it'll be super helpful for me. Lunch was...nice. Nothing groundbreaking was said. We talked about our lives -- work and family and whatnot -- and we talked about my writing. She was again very helpful with that. We shared a dessert, then she realized she "forgot" my mail. And so I offered to meet her at the house so she could give it to me (because, as it turns out, it actually WAS important mail this time), and she said, "How about you ride with me to the house and I'll bring you back to your car?" So that's what happened. And when we reached my car, I said my goodbyes, and that it was good to see her and when I moved to get out, she lifted her arm for a hug.The last time I saw her, she made it sound like a hug was my idea. "Are you waiting for a hug?" she'd asked as we were saying goodbye. This time, there was none of that. It was all her. And then I noticed she was wearing my favorite perfume. Pretty sure that was intentional... Anyway. That's the latest. PS: Your innuendo made me giggle
I just had a thought. It sounds like a first date. Maybe its nothing, but I got that vibe. It does seem a little funny she forgot the mail. That was the whole reason for the lunch. Yea, I might ask her about counseling. Nice to see she initiated the first intimate physical contact. Plus she was willing to take you back for your car instead of having you just take both. It just seems like a shame for you too to be doing this little dance if you both want to be together. Maybe a heartwarming "hey, you know I forgive you for [insert thing that happened early in relationship], right?" I would only suggest so if you really forgive her. But then judge her reaction, and decide whether or not to ask about counseling. just a thought That really reminded me of a first date when I read it... not sure why And I make lots of women giggle
Haha as far as first dates go...I've never been on one, so I wouldn't know what that vibe feels like. We kinda...jumped into things quickly, without the whole dating process. But you may be right. It's hard to say. I've already talked to her about the thing that happened early in the relationship (which was that she cheated on me with her ex). I even messaged her ex on Facebook and apologized for any hurt I may have caused her when I first came along (they were together when we first met, but had broken up before we started hanging out. It took me a long time to admit that I shouldn't have gotten involved because they still had feelings to sort out). The apology was huge for me because I'd been angry for so long, and then suddenly I wasn't. I feel a thousand pounds lighter. So...yeah. She knows I've forgiven her, and she knows I apologized to her ex. Like I mentioned before, anytime I try to bring up relationship-y stuff, she retreats. I feel like she's having a battle between her head and heart. Her head says we need to be broken up while her heart misses me and wants me back. She's always been so logical, so I'm not sure which will win...
Oh man, first dates are my favorite. I never run out of things to talk about or tell her about, and if i somehow did, I have plenty of questions to ask that actually interest me. Im not real sure what to say about the rest, I am sorry about the cheating, but very happy to read you moved on and got over it. That had to be hard to do. Now as for her battle, I think that is exactly what is happening. I think that the only thing left is to see what happens. If you can convince her to join you in counseling I think that could be helpful, but she may not, in which case I am unsure there is anything you can do.
I think that she's getting more than she bargained for. She's having a harder time with this breakup with you than you are. Maybe she's trying to put some guilt on you for whatever happened? That's the hunch I had...
Thanks for your input, guys. If only there were a way to know exactly what will happen between us! The day after lunch, I texted her and she was very distant, so I didn't reply. Then, two hours later (after I mentioned on Facebook that I was going to dinner with friends), she texted me: "How was your night out last night?" So basically, if it seems like I'm busy and happy, she has to text me. It sucks. She didn't text yesterday. And I didn't text her. It was the first day since I moved out that we didn't speak in some way. It feels weird. I'm trying to be strong and not text her, but it's hard. I'm afraid one day will lead to two will lead to a week, then a month, then we will stop speaking altogether. I don't want that. I don't know. I'm considering becoming a nun so I don't have to deal with this stuff anymore!
