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old flame rekindled...?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by ABeautifulMind, Jul 9, 2014.

  1. ABeautifulMind

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    Ok, this is my first thread here so ill start with background..

    I am an in the closet (completely) bisexual. 27 years old, living in the southern USA. I only admitted to myself about 3 years ago that i was attracted to men. Since then my "balance" has went from being into women more than men, to now being significantly more attracted to men than women. I dont know why, but hey I dont control my sexuality or attraction, I am lucky if I can just understand it lol... I also have Aspebergers Syndrome, and that causes me 3 issues. I have a hard time with understanding emotions, both mine and others. I do not always understand social interactions (I miss cues, norms, etc). Lastly I do not usually show emotions, even if they are there.

    That being said, I have an ex girlfriend who recently came back into my life. She had moved away but has moved back, and started texting me. Well, she has been acting weird, for multiple reasons. Now this all took place ~3 weeks ago so chronology is a little hard to remember but for the most part it wont matter. When she came back I just wanted to be friends. However this girl is like... well, unfortunately when we dated before I fell for her HARD. I mean like.... HARD. when we broke up I broke down... for a while. about 2 months of being depressed and unhappy. i finally came out of it. That is exactly why I ONLY wanted to be friends.

    She got back and started seeing guys. 2 to be specific. I was irritated. Not because of her decision to see the guys (intimately so there is no confusion) but rather because of her decision to tell me about it. I thought it was inappropriate to tell me about sexual exploits because I was her ex. But I also do still care for her at this point as a friend, and I know her well, so in order to help her i started thinking of ways I could do just that. I finally determined that I should try to get her to go down to 1 guy. so I started telling her she should not be with 2 guys at once. Its not cool. and she responds with "Well I cant find a guy that is interested in being in a steady stable relationship with me"

    Well I am not sure if you can see where this is going, but I instantly thought of myself, obviously not saying a word... I kept silent about that and just kept picking on the subject of her 2 guys. Then she was present for a conversation with another friend (male) who I was telling about 2 other people I was trying to choose between (never been interested in 2 people before)to start talking to. Well she busts in with "Oh but you dont talk to me anymore." you have to understand something about where im from. "Talking" to someone means trying to have an intimate relationship. There is NO miscommunication with that. Hell she is the one who spelt that out for me in the past.

    I was sort of dumbfounded. I literally had to just walk away. I felt honestly like she was manipulating me or something. I started talking to an older (much older) friend thinking he could give me advice. It was during this talk I discovered my unfortunate feelings, which I still seem to have. This girl could have been the one when we dated. I loved her, like no one before. Not that I never felt love for a partner before, but this was different. I felt like she made me a better man. She challenges me, doesnt just accept everything I say... Thats a big thing to me. The people in my life have gotten to the point where they wont have stimulating conversations with me if they dont agree with me because it always ends up im right. That sounds really arrogant, but its true, I am actually trying to find a way to fix that. I refuse to stop giving right answers, but I am wondering if I should stop volunteering my thoughts and ideas on things just because it seems to cause problems with my friends. They actually have had mass (as in sending to everyone) text messages based on someone proving me wrong, just because it doesnt happen very often. This is speaking about science and other strictly non emotional/romantic subjects. But she is not like that. She doesnt care, she will challenge me.

    When all of this came out of my mouth at my friends house I couldnt believe I was saying it myself. I was pissed. I had worked so hard getting over her the first time she broke my heart. But my friend told me I needed to talk to her. I told him I didnt even know where to start, and suggested simply asking her to dinner or lunch. I felt like an idiot, although frequently with matters of the heart I am oblivious to the obvious. So I started thinking about what to say. Sort of an outline. bring up the things she said about wanting to be in a singular stable relationship and about being upset that I am not trying to get with her anymore. Tell her I am interested in being with her, but that I am ok if that is not what she wants. BUT my main goal was to tell her if we were not going to give it another go, these sexual exploit stories had to stop. Immediately.

    So the next day she comes over saying she can only stay til midnight. I wait until it is just me and her. I ask her if she would like to grab a lunch with me. She said she was a picky eater, basically she wanted to be pursued lol, so I told her she could pick the place. After a little talking we decide on olive garden. Well I was happy, but nervous.

    Next thing I know she starts talking about the 2 guys and how she is supposed to meet one tonight. Im like, really? I ask you on a date, and right after you bring up this bulls#it. I let it go since it didnt last long. Later that night I started having a little to drink and she said she wanted to get a little messed up. Well she wont drink because of the taste, so I told her, what do you want? She asked if I still had any of my pain pills left (from an old knee injury) and i told her no. Me and my friends are pretty liberal when it comes to drug use. I dont care what others use, I like a certain plant sometimes, and I take meds when prescribed, and I drink... but i dont care what others do.. I knew then a pain pill was what she wanted so I called some friends to buy some, only thing was I couldnt find any. Well this is like 8:30... Next somehow she decides to pinch me, and this starts a discussion. I asked her calmly not to pinch me. she kept on and on. I kept trying to stay calm but I have this weird thing about being pinched, really weird, I cant let it continue... no matter who it is. I finally have to show aggression explaining that I tried to avoid it but she just wouldnt stop, so I told her I would have her taken home now. She apologized and stopped... around 10:30 she starts telling me that after the show was over she needed to go home. I was like, ok. no big deal, til I looked at the time. I was like, I thought you said midnight? she said, "yea but I am stone sober and everyone here is getting intoxicated." I told her I was sorry but I couldnt find any pain pills, otherwise I was going to buy her one. She eventually changed her mind and decided to stay til midnight after we discussed it.

    Now comes 11:45, and I was arranging a ride for her (i dont drink and drive) and I get a phone call from a friend. He has pain pills. She over hears me on the phone explaining the whole situation and saying "my bad bro, but she is about to leave so I dont really need them anymore" She says, I can be late for a pain pill. I was pissed. I didnt back down, I told her no and rode with my friend to take her home, leaving the status quo alone.

    When I got home I reflected on the evening and decided I needed to cancel olive garden. I was hurt by everything and realized this was not a good idea. I am pretty sure everyone can see why.

    So i start texting her. bringing up all these issues, and told her what I wanted to talk about at olive garden, but that because of all this I was unsure trying a steady relationship was a good idea. I ended the message saying that the sexual exploit stories needed to stop if we were to hang out.

    Her response: Im not using you nor do I care about sleeping around... I want more than that... Plain and simple and I have stopped sleeping around... I want more for me than that... Your my friend first and for most i apologize if you think I am using you. For that I am sorry... And maybe your right idk, if I could actually be with someone right now after all the bullshit that happened with ***distant ex*** he took more from me than anyone will ever know...

    I am so sorry this is so long guys... but its almost over, and all of this is relevant

    I responded, told her basically, if she wanted to give us a chance she would have canceled with that dude, she would have stopped pinching me before I lost my temper, and she would not have tried to use me for the pain pill. Then I told her a bad break up was no excuse for this s#it. I ended by explaining that it was not easy for me to ask her out again because last time we were together I told her I was tired of rejection (i tried to rekindle several times right after the break up) and that if she ever wanted more she would have to make the first move.

    she replied saying the break up was more than just bad, that its not like she came over just to get a pain pill, and lastly that she could see what I was saying, and it will change. Plain and Simple.. I get it.. (she gets it)

    The last messages I sent to her said basically that I was still getting mixed messages from her. Nothing was definite. i was tired of beating around the bush so I was just gonna come out and ask her, was she trying to drop hints about wanting to give us another shot? where did she see our relationship moving forward from here? friend or more?

    I got no response. i even sent one later saying that I was unsure if she was still thinking or simply not going to answer, and said we are not kids, I just want an answer.

    Thats all. Now i am unsure what to do. I still have strong feelings for her. I mean strong. Thought I have not shown her. Well I have tried not to, never said anything, maintained a small distance... but these were sent one week ago today and I never got a reply, and now I am wondering what to do... I thought her responses to me indicated that she was interested in trying again, but when asked directly i get ignored. I already sent her a text about not answering last week when this was all happening. What do you all think? Am I just falling for the wrong person? Should i give up? Pursue? I know that if we dont date again, I dont want to lose her friendship. At the same time this is the chick I have always sort of secretly hoped I would end up with. Like she just needed to do her own things for a while, but that eventually we would be together. Even after I "got over her" I told myself that if she came back and wanted to be with me I would take her back. It was the only way I could get over her really, just keep that little "promise" in the back of my head, that we were not REALLY over, just taking a break.

    Considering my difficulty with almost anything emotional I am kind of shocked and upset at how strong my feelings are, and it is scary as hell. Im done now, please let me know what you think and any advice you might have. I am really sorry about the length, and if you made it to here, I sincerely thank you.
     
  2. Honestly? It sounds like it would be best for you to just get out of there now.
    Obviously I don't know her, but it sounds like she has issues that are unresolved that get in the way of her relationships with others. Issues that she needs to work out for herself before she can have a healthy relationship with anyone--even if she did want to be with you.

    She might not ever get that stuff worked out. And even if she did, too often when people get back together after a nasty breakup, the issues that were there to cause the breakup in the first place go unresolved and blow up all over again. If it didn't work, usually it's because it won't work. I know that that hurts, especially with someone you've been carrying the torch for for such a long time, but it's obvious that you're in deep and trying to be friends in that kind of situation damn near always leads to more pain for everyone involved. It takes time to get over your strong feelings for someone. You need to have that time. And space! If you feel like you can't hang out with her without refreshing all of your feelings about her (I would be surprised if you could, at least for a while) then you need to say that, and back out. So you can really move on. Allow yourself to be sad or angry for a little while. Then find a way to lay those feelings to rest.

    If, after you've honestly truly done that, sometime down the road you bump into her and it doesn't hurt, maybe then try to be friends. It doesn't always work to be friends with someone you loved a long time ago, but it sure as hell doesn't work to try and be friends with someone you love now.
     
  3. ABeautifulMind

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    Well, honestly the last break up was because I was young and still doing stupid things I have since quit. I'm pretty sure she still had feelings for me. Unfortunately I never asked.

    And yea, I had a feeling someone would say that... I just feel like there is so much left unresolved... like i need closure lol... My biggest thing is she knows how i felt about her before, and I do worry she might try to use me... although feelings or not I am not the same man I was before...

    There is another girl i am interested in who I have never dated but who dated an old friend. I was thinking about asking her out just because I know she is interested and it might take my mind off of her ^^... But I have been hesitating because of my feelings...

    Man I am just stressed I think... Hell this is actually the first time in ages that I have been interested in any women... Usually I find myself pining over guys.... You know, I wish there was a way to just push a button and pick permanently... of course how would I know which button to pick :confused:

    I think my biggest reason for still even thinking about it is because I have only felt close to this way one other time, and it was for a guy I never talked to about it, and I always wondered what if... I would hate to have that regret again...

    Thanks for the input, I sincerely appreciate it... I think I need to take a small vacation and get away for a while.