So, never really thought about being attracted to another man until I met one this year. I didn't like him at all initially, but gave him the benefit of the doubt as I found him tentative and shy when I spoke to him alone. I also felt him looking at me every so often but not sure if that was a figment of my imagination. Anyway, a female friend one day announced that she thought man A is gay, even though he is engaged to a woman. I haven't met her but I have heard through the grapevine that he is luke-warm about her. I cannot explain why but since that announcement I suddenly found myself self-conscious around him. My natural reaction then was to be aloof, and maybe it was in response to that aloofness that he began to look for my attention, hang on every word, laugh at every joke [sometimes embarrassingly for him] and make intense eye contact. Initially, I thought that it was all in my head until he tried to catch my eye one day and when I looked over our eyes locked and his face lit up - the biggest smile i had ever seen. Even though I panicked and panicked for quite some time, I remember walking away thinking that men who hardly know me do not look at me that way, and that it definitely was not in my head. Also found myself on the receiving end of an unwarranted sense of affection from him. I am 30 years old and I have met a considerable amount of good looking men in my life, and never felt this charge. Am i projecting? Despite the above, I am not that uncomfortable with realising that I can be attracted to a man [in many ways it didn't really come as a surprise] and think i have come to terms with it pretty quickly but I can't work out whether I have managed to singlehandedly create a chemistry between us both in my head following my friend's announcement, or he is confused by the whole thing. I did through a third party make my feelings known and the response was that it was one-sided. Is it possible to be that deranged? that you can invent not just mutual attraction but mutual affection? It was embarrassingly the first time I ever felt real connection and chemistry, real romance. On hard evidence, I don't think I have a leg to stand on but I am not a delusional person by nature and tend, on average, to be quite astute. Am I refusing to believe what he has told me because I am so infatuated or is he lying? I have recycled it so much in my head, that i would rather be put out of my misery and just know that i imagined it all but for whatever reason i don't seem to accept what he told me. I also, at times when I believe in my own judgment about him, get angry that he went out of his way to seek my attention and behave in a way that was not normal only to pull back and mess with my head. Any insights appreciated!:eusa_clap
It is possible that he was acting interested, and didn't know he was doing that. He could be attracted to men, but in denial, leading him to subconsciously act in a manner that suggests he is attracted to you. Or He could have been giving you signals but is scared, especially since he's engaged, and when he found out that you reciprocated it scared him more, and so he's now pulling back. Or Maybe he's straight and very friendly. Some people are just like that. I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you that something good may have come out of this experience. It opened the possibility that you may be attracted to men, and discovering who you are is usually a good thing.
Thank you! I think no.1 probably makes the most sense... simply because he is not by nature very friendly. Most people find him very reserved and positively unfriendly. I think that's what made it seem an additional deviation from normal behaviour... Thank you so much for your response, I deeply appreciate it, and I agree that it's a good thing for me. The last thing I want to do is wake up married and realise I am in love with a man. The sooner I deal with it the better. Thanks again.
I've found over the years that I tend to click with some people better than others. This in turn ends up making me seem or appear more likeable. Up until recent times I was way more stoic. In your case it sounds like he might be confused too. Dealing with a 3rd party and having the roles reversed, would you have admitted to the feelings being mutual? Ultimately, if he is engaged, it is best to let sleeping dogs lie. That whole situation opens up a whole can of worms best left alone. If you want to get to know guys better, best to do so out of your work environment. Office gossip can be the worst. Kudos on you for be honest with yourself. You sound like a very insightful person.
Thank you for your reply! Re 1st paragraph: he didn't really know me at all at the point where he began to look for my attention so I don't think it could be down to a connection at that stage. But, I certainly do think he was curious about me. And maybe that's all any of this is, i just feel that it is a curiosity above normal for one man to feel for another but I am open to being corrected. No, I probably wouldn't have admitted the feelings were mutual but equally I don't think I would have been in that situation in the first place as I wouldn't have looked to initiate a dynamic if I was seriously involved with someone else. So, that's hard for me to take...someone, who is in a relationship, beginning a dynamic with someone who is single (and hasn't made any move) and then turning around, denying it and making me believe that I have constructed the whole thing myself! Of course, it does occur to me that I did since that is what he has essentially told me and he is in a relationship after all. I don't have any 'tangible' proof, just consecutive deviations in normal behaviour, a 'felt' intimacy and intense, communicative eye contact. That's what makes it so hard to call. I agree about letting sleeping dogs lie. The difficulty is that while I have no intention of pursuing him or even addressing him in any way anymore (will be avoiding him completely from now on, which I suspect he will not like) I equally have no interest in exploring elsewhere because this is rare, whether homosexual or heterosexual, this connection (in my head at least) is rare. And I don't see men in general that way at all (may well do in future...). It's also worth saying that while most of my motivation in telling him how I felt was self-motivated, I also wanted to do it for him because I don't want him to wake up and come to terms with this when it is really too late. But perhaps I have to realise that that is out of my control and the ball is in his court. Caveat again, I may really just be crazy :bang: I hope not! How likely is it that you can construct such a convincing narrative out of thin air? ---------- Post added 11th Jul 2014 at 03:08 AM ---------- I don't know if it's worth adding that over the past few months he has been flirting very outrageously with two female colleagues. I think two things. 1) it is so incredibly unfair to do that to his fiancee (who I whether you believe me or not have great sympathy for) given that everyone sees it and 2) I just don't really buy it. I think he likes the attention but it's so public and distasteful that I can't believe it speaks to real genuine feeling. I also think based on the overall picture including his fiancee he doesn't seem to really care about the people he is hurting in all of this.
When you said that this was the first and only time you've felt this type of connection before, it reminded me of my situation. I had a crush which resulted in the realization i was gay, and at that point she was the only female that I experienced that with. At the beginning, I would look at other women and see if there was anything remotely similar to what I felt with her or even any physical attraction. Initially, the answer was no, yet as I allowed myself to question and explore that possibility, I began to notice women a lot more and eventually to realize that I had attraction to women and not men. It took time, and a lot of emotional/mental work to arrive at this point. Women bring out some very foreign feelings in me, and once I was able to accept that it was ok, and there is nothing wrong with me, it began to occur much more frequently. And you are correct, it is much better to discover this now than after you are married (which is what happened to me). You are not crazy, there is probably something there that you are feeling. But as Hyaline stated, not a good situation to become involved in, and you seem to realize that as well. This guy sounds like he would cause only heartache. I also agree you seem to be quite insightful, which I am as well, and has in my opinion, made the process less difficult. My advice for your next step is to listen to yourself. Begin to let go of any inhibitions you may have and see what you notice. Are your eyes drawn towards men, do you repress any thoughts? I didn't realize I was repressing all the time, not until I let myself think freely did I realize if I saw a woman I was attracted to that I would look at her a little more and think about how I felt, and I would say to myself 'stop thinking like that'. One day, I caught myself doing it, again, no idea that I had been repressing, and once I realized I noticed how often I did it. Then I had to train myself that it was ok to think like that, and no thoughts currently being repressed All good thoughts now. You may be surprised at what you discover.
Yes, I agree. I could well have been suppressing it. It will be interesting to see how his life plays out...I have never met anyone like him. I can't understand how anyone could tie themselves up in such a self destructive knot...but perhaps he doesn't know one way or another or does know and doesn't want to know. As for me, I suppose I have to come to terms with never knowing if I imagined it all or there really was something. Not easy! Thank you both for your feedback.
