Hi, everyone. I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. So, I'm a gay male. A couple months ago I met a guy online on a dating/hookup website. He self-identifies as "bi". Anyway, we met a few times and we both seem to be normal guys. He's just a couple years older but he was once married to a woman and is now divorced. Now, I think I have some self-esteem/confidence issues and maybe I'm reading too much into things and over-analyzing them. For example, I texted him yesterday and told him that I was really busy at work but wanted to let him know I was thinking of him. I thought that'd be sweet. Well, that was around 2pm. He didn't text me back until 11pm when I was asleep. He said, "Hey...sorry it took so long to get back to you. I had a busy day. Hope your day went well. Was nice to hear from you." And, I dunno, it just felt a bit cold to me. But then if I try to be objective about it, I guess it's nice enough. But, I was hoping he'd say that he missed me or wanted to see me or something, but nope... After we first hung out a couple times and I emailed him, he responded and was like "Glad to hear from you...I didn't know if you were still interested or not" and another time I emailed him and he said something similar like, "Oh, hey...I didn't know if I'd hear from you again". To me, that makes me think that maybe he's insecure as well. Another time we hung out he mentioned something like, "I'm not even sure what you would want from me". But, I don't think he would even ask if he weren't somewhat interested in me. Now, here's something that has crossed my mind...he used to be married and I don't think he has ever had a real relationship with another man. He's had "relations" with other men, but not a relationship. So, sometimes I think he doesn't know what to do. Like, one time he said something to me that was a bit crass (just jokingly) and I said something sarcastic like, "Wow...well isn't that romantic?" and he said, "Well, I do know how to be romantic with women...". I just ignored it but I was thinking, "What do you mean you know how to be romantic with women? I'm not a woman!" I know he has some religious hang-ups about being gay/bi. We had a brief discussion about that. So, I don't know. I guess he is being "nice" to me but I almost feel like he is treating me like a friend/make-out partner more than a potential boyfriend or romantic partner but I don't know how to address the issue. When we first hung out, he did ask, "So, what it is you are looking for?" and I said "I don't really know..." So, maybe he thinks I'm not really interested. I am, but didn't want to make myself vulnerable by admitting it at that point. Ugh...I'm just over-analyzing things and don't want to. But I do like him and want to show him I care without trying to push myself on him. He may just be looking for a friend, but given all his emails like "I didn't know if you would want to see me again" or "didn't know If I'd hear from you again" it makes me think that he is interested. The only time he really said something "romantic" was in a couple emails. One time he told me he was having problems falling asleep because he kept thinking of me and another time he said "I get the feeling that you really like me" (and he said it like he was happy to think that).... but then in person he doesn't seem romantic...it's like 'Hey...how are you?" and "Good to see you...take care". So frustrating. and I over-analyze everything. Not sure if there's anything anyone can tell me on this forum, since obviously you don't know us, but I feel better just typing this all out, so that helps. Maybe this guy is just as insecure/unsure about me as I am about him. Who knows!! Thanks for listening everyone.
Dating is never easy You may be correct with him not being in relationship with a male. I have never had one with a female, and sometimes I do feel lost, and very insecure. I don't know what women want! Men I know, I just don't want them. He could also be struggling with conflicts about what he wants, and what he's been taught. Having relations with another male if that's all it was is easy, and nobody needs to know, yet a relationship tends to be a little more real, and that may be scary. It sounds like he may be interested, but I wouldn't push it. Tell them you're there for him and let go at his own pace, especially if he has issues to work out. Sometimes people are different in person, I know for myself, it's much easier to express how I feel in writing, but in person, I'm a ball of nerves. As long as he's maintaining contact, I'd take it as a good sign. I understand how you feel in a way. I met someone same way as you, but haven't met in person yet, I think next week It gives me butterflies thinking about it, and I have no idea how I'll be. Texting is so easy, and I can flirt with her, and tell her I'm thinking about her, and it's very natural, but when I actually see her, I'm hoping I can at least say hi. I have absolutely no experience with women, and I was married to a man, have only dated men. She's the only woman I've flirted with, and she terrifies me in a very good way. So, who knows what he is thinking. Be supportive and understanding because relationships that are worthwhile take time to build and form at their own pace. Try to find something that will take your mind off of him so you don't over think this. I know, easier said than done.
Maybe he thinks you're only in it for the sex? If he's venturing out into the gay dating world for the first time, the stories he heard probably way overrepresent the promiscuity inherent in a dating world where you don't have to worry about getting pregnant. That was my worry when dating women for the first time also; I imagine it's the same for guys. Did you ever make it clear to him that you're interested in dating him, and not just for the sex?
Hi, HTBO and Wanderinggirl. Thanks for your responses. Wanderinggirl: No, I think I probably made him think I just wanted sex. In the beginning, I really wasn't looking for anything and so a couple times in the beginning when he emailed me and told me that he couldn't stop thinking of me, I actually responded and said "calm down...dont get obsessed with me" He responded and said "Im not obsessive...I just happen to sense that you REALLY like me". Another time I was talking to him via text about a song I heard and then i said "now when you hear it u will think of me" and then he responded and said something like he didnt need help to think of me. But then i never really responded. So maybe you are right...maybe he doesnt know how I feel. The only time we get together is at his house for a couple hours every now and then and we r usually making out. I wish I could say "look-i just want us to go out" but hes not out and i dont think hes ready for that. I hope we can work it out. Based on his comments he seems to like me but now he seems to maybe have backed off a little. I guess he doesnt understand gay romance. The first time we made out at his house and I was about to leave, he shook my hand. I was like huh? Who shakes hands after that? But I guess hes used to shaking guys' hands. It was strange to me. Lol.
