Inappropriate relationship with BFF almost destroyed my marriage

Looking for guidance and support for this horribly torturous issue.

I am in my mid thirties and am female. I have been married to a man for several years. My oldest and closest friend is a female whom I have known since high school. The past several months have truly been a time of awareness for me. For a couple of decades now I have been struggling with my feelings for my friend, who I will refer to as Sarah. Since the moment we first met I was drawn to her and I had no idea why. We were young and went to a very religious school. I qualified my feelings at just being happy that I found someone who got me, and so began my demise. Over the next four years of school, our relationship status went from inseparable several times---all at her hands. She would run when we became really really close and shut down. She would completely disown me, call me names and belittle me in front of all our friends-our high school was only about four hundred people and word got around fast. That period of time was the best and worst in my life because I met her....and because I met her. She has been my beginning and end.

Every time there was a break between us it would hit me hard, harder than not speaking to just a normal friend. I had no idea why in the hell it felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest every time she would leave me--well maybe deep down I knew why but I was so afraid to admit it that I would just allow it to consume me. My poor mother always thought I was havin a breakdown and off to therapy I would go. It would last a session or two, then I was done because I did not want to talk about what was really going on.

She would eventually come back, pursue me and I would always give in, I could not resist. This was our normal until the first year of college. The break was bad, the time apart was seven years until she again, came looking for me and found me just six weeks before I was set to marry my husband. We connected again, as we always do, and guickly fall into our routine. I was hesitant though. I was getting married and she had hurt me so many times I was very guarded.

Eventually I let my walls down. I let her in again and we grew really close. By this time we both were married to men, both had kids. I had always felt that what I felt was just this little bitty crush on her, because after all we are allowed like others more than another right? I thought a crush is innocent and after her I had no confirmation that it was reciprocated so what could it matter? Who cares, above all we are best friends and that it what mattered.

Over the next nine or so years we grew really really close. I wanted to be with her more than anything else. We both had husbands, children and responsibilities but we would do whatever to be together, all hours of the day, even shop for something simple just to be together. I always thought that things were one sided. And if they were one sided, then it cannot be wrong. Esp if we were never physical. But then I began to replay situations in my mind and figured out that shit I have been in love with her since I was a teenager. And now I am married with a family and were still BFF, but I could handle it. I had the feelings, we never discussed anything, it was only real in my mind.

But then I began to test her, and would push things I said or did a little further every time we were together. Every time she would not run. What did that mean? Was it wrong? We were just friends, and have history, enjoy one another's company that is all. It kills me wondering did she fell the same, to this day I do not know.

Then the accusations from my husband came. Him and I were not a good place. I did not want to be around him at all, I wanted to be out of the house. She was always a safe place to fall.

So now fast forward to now. It has been a year and a half since I have seen her or we have really talked. I was told, by her, that life is simplier without me in it. This devastates me but I cannot chase her. My husband tells me that basically it is her or him. Knowing/admit what i fully know now, I agree.

I feel like a part of me is missing. I finally admitted how I feel, but at this point I cannot do anything. I want to stay married, I love my family, however I have this large gapping wound in my heart for her. I am trying to move forward, but still mourning the loss of something that was never mine to begin with.

I feel alone and lost. It is has been very hard for me to move on without her...

 

Dragoness, all very true and valid points. I want my marriage and my family there is no doubt about that. This last break with her was by her own doing. It was totally needed and I was not yet strong enough to do it. I may have been a bit light in referring to my feelings for her. It is way more than a crush. I am in love with her and have been for a while. It has been until recently, and through therapy, that I did fully realize and more importantly admit my feelings for her. In doing that I have realized that for the past several years both her and I have been I'm a relationship which turned into an emotional affair. Going through it, in the moment I had no idea what was going on. Now dissecting the longevity of it I realize the error of my ways.

My husband and I were going through a rough patch due to his depression and heavy work schedule. He was stressed all the time and took it out on me telling me I made him
Miserable and called me horrible names and said awfu things to me. This just pushes me
Closer to her as she provided me with the comfort and support I needed. I always thought I was turning to a best friend but have finally come
To terms what was really happening. My husband know is aware of what was going on and feels betrayed and hurt. I don't blame him. We are in marriage counseling right now. But I feel guilty still wanting her. I know she can never again be in my life....

 

Thanks. You are completely right. I need to
Let go as best as I can. And ur right, gender does not matter when the feelings are this intense...it's dangerous regardless.