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codependency in lesbian relationships

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Alehkz, Jul 17, 2014.

  1. Alehkz

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    I am a recovering codependent. In my codependent group I have noticed that there are a lot of lgbt. Mostly just lesbians though. Why do you think codependency rate might be higher in the gay community? Why do you think lesbian relationships tend to be very codependent? Share your experience or leave a comment on what you think. I'm not the only one and eeveryone's story is different levels of codependency.
     
  2. Fallingdown7

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    Seems to be a problem with women in general....I don't know why. When I'm single, I'm very independent and detached, but when I get a crush I change into this clingy thing that depends on the other person.
     
  3. I do not know, but if I were to hazard a guess, I wonder if it's partially to do with how women are socialized in society. We are taught from a young age that meeting other people's needs are more important than meeting our own. Letting other people have what they need can often come at the expense of doing what is good for ourselves. Men are more often socialized to be more assertive and we are told that doing what we want is bossy or selfish. I imagine that that can come into play, especially in people who are already more likely to become codependent.

    Also, women are taught that their self-worth is in "finding a man" and being in a relationship (not that men are not judged for not having a girlfriend, but that feels more like it's about assuring their own masculinity and not so much about their worth being in what they can be for others). I would think that this feeling translates to lesbian relationships since lesbians are not let out of that socialization. I think this same thing is also why women are judged more harshly for not wanting to have children. Self worth for women in society is deeply tied to what you're worth to other people.
     
    #3 thedreamwatch, Jul 17, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 17, 2014
  4. stocking

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    I'm like that too:confused: I don't get why

    ---------- Post added 17th Jul 2014 at 12:40 PM ----------

    Maybe this explains it, because I have been called worth less for not having a boyfriend, and a bad person for not wanting children
     
  5. Peacemaker

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    :slight_smile: that really does make sense, you might be right
     
  6. wanderinggirl

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    Women are more likely to seek help than men.

    It's also possible that having lost family/friends in the coming out process, these women become codependent on their significant others as a replacement for all those people.
     
  7. Squib

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    It's a bit of a weird one this. To be in a relationship there's got to be some co-dependency or what's the point of even being in a relationship? You may as well be single if you're going to be completely independent. But then there's being too clingy and co-dependent. And then if you really like someone or love them then it's natural to want to spend a lot of time with them. It's so complicated haha
     
  8. Chip

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    Thedreamwatch's theory makes a lot of sense.

    I've noticed, anecdotally, that a phenomenally large percentage of lesbian relationships I've observed (way more as a percentage than gay men's relationships) seem to have severe power imbalances, age differences, and other factors that are consistent with, and commonly found with, codependency.

    Women (straight and gay) are definitely socialized differently than men, and we know that attraction and sexual arousal patterns are also quite different, and appear to be either hardwired or conditioned very early in life. Gay men don't get off the hook, though... their relationships are just as dysfunctional, but in a different way. :slight_smile:

    I also suspect that since women in general tend to get the short end of the stick in a lot of aspects of society. There's still discrimination in employment promotion, pay rates, and so forth, and a lot of remnants of a very sexist and patriarchal society. Add that to the discrimination that lesbians have out of the gate, and it's likely there are more self-esteem issues that give rise to these sorts of unhealthy relationships.

    However, as a point of clarification: codependence is definitely not seen in healthy relationships, and certainly isn't necessary for a relationship. I think Squib might be confusing codependence (which requires an enabler and someone who wants to be taken care of) with interdependence (in which both parties rely on each other in a more equal back-and-forth type of relationship.)
     
  9. Alehkz

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    I like how Chip wrapped it beautifully up at the end! Thank you everyone for your input! I am trying to make the lesbian and gay community more aware of codependency.