Help - My Dad Might Have Found Out About Me Liking Girls...

Okay, so yesterday, when me and my family went out on a ride, we parked for a while to eat our ice cream in the car. My dad had preaching on while we did so, and then the preacher started getting into "we are supposed to love the sinner, but hate the sin" and went into "there isn't a single homosexual I wouldn't love, but I cannot say that their sin is right" and that's when I got up from the backseat to change the station. Like I couldn't take it and I am pretty obvious when it comes to standing up from the LGBTQ community - Of course, I do that without saying my sexuality. However, my dad changed it back, but I tried to change it back too. I almost got my hand twisted trying to change it as my dad would refuse to stop playing the hurtful message so I had tgo continue listening to that preacher yell and scream and dictate the whole ride back, which took about an hour. Then, the preacher said something that just broke me - "There is a Heaven and a Hell and if you don't know Jesus Christ, you will go to Hell and burn for eternity!" I mean, I had never heard it said so bluntly. Sure, my pastor normally says that "we can't just do whatever we want and expect to enter the kingdom of God", but I mean, never once have I heard it said like that. And in my mind, I heard "If you have any feelings for girls, it doesn't matter how much you love God, you will go to Hell and burn for eternity!" Then, I started crying in the backseat.

When we got home, I kind of gave away that I was upset. My dad asked me what was wrong and I blamed it on my head hurting, but then he kept asking what else is supposed to be bothering me. I didn't say anything and then he said "was it that homosexual thing that bothered you?" and I said no, and went out that room, but followed me into my mom's room where she was. He continued to say that "you can't get upset at these preachers every time they mention homosexuality, besides that he only made one statement" Yeah, one statement that tells me there's no purpose to my life just because I'm going to burn for loving someone anyway. He continued saying that "I mean, you can't change the Bible, I mean murder, homosexuality, that has always been wrong and it will always be wrong". So, then, I walked out of that room and back into the living room. He followed me again but told me to come sit and "talk" - Then he asked if I was "struggling with that [I guess liking girls]" and completely panicked and left again. Luckily, my mom told him to go get the gas and to the store so he had to do that, which gave me a break. When he came back from the store, he wanted to talk again, but then we put off the talk for today.

I honestly thought he would forget with work, but right when he came back home today, he asked if he wanted to talk - Then, he started to say that "I'm ashamed of myself, because I let some things go through the cracks that [I should of paid attention to]" - I honestly don't want him to be ashamed - Though I do want him to apologize for how he thinks of the community - But seriously, I didn't even let him finish and went to hid in the room again. What is there to be ashamed of though anyways? I don't get it. He put off the talk for tomorrow evening again - I honestly don't want to talk about this. I'm playing to start acting boy crazy in front of him so that he won't think I like girls too - But I've tried doing that before and it's awkward and I can't even finish because I'm not open about anyone, girl or boy, that I like to my parents.

So, do you think I should just act like I just love guys for now? And any tips on how to do that? Because I noticed that when my parents get involved or even mentions something about LGBTQ people, my anxiety gets back up and I start to get insecure right when I'm starting to accept myself. So, in order for my own happiness and to be able to fully accept who I am, I don't want them to know about this or even try to change their opinions about LGBTQ people anymore - It's not healthy for being comfortable with myself at all. I just don't want to bring up the subject in any way anymore. I don't want them to take away my college tuition or try to send me to scary conversion therapy - So, do you think that acting boy crazy all of a sudden will help my dad believe that I'm straight so that we don't have to talk??

 

Oh okay, I'll do that - I actually do feel more strongly about all of this because of the hurt LGBTQ people have gone through and not just because I am bi, so it'll be kind of the truth anyways. And yeah, I'll wait until I'm out of high school and going to college and financially independent because it still seems like his ignorance toward the gay community won't go away any time soon. Thank you so much for your help, I appreciate it!!