None of my straight friends get why I'm having such a hard time, i hope you guys better understand. She was mine for almost 2 years, and my best friend for 6. She was my first lover, i was her first. I was looking into rings to buy. One day she comes over sets she needs to think, 3 days later I'm officially single. Because i was distant lately (did i mention 3 close famil members passed away in 2013!? Because she was there for all of them and knew i was hurting!) That was the darkest mood i ever remember being in. I planned to run away, just get in my car and go. I did get in my car and go, left the state felt no better turned around and drove all the way back. Relapsed cutting, still haven't really stopped. Looked up for days straight how to die in the neatest way possible. Hung out with a friend i finally opened up to, got my nipple pierced on impulse and as a secret to smile about (just me and above mentioned friend, who came when i got pierced, know) dyed my hair, refused to eat, skipped my favorite classes because i didn't want my professor who knows me well to see i wasnt ok. Bawled my eyes out for hours after classes i did go to. Went without showering for way too long. Eventually i started surviving, started functioning... until i missed her. Texted her hoping for a second chance... to be told she's seeing someone and happy and as her friend i should be happy for her too... friend, she barely texted me back so i gave up trying to have conversations... after that i cut myself the deepest i ever had and actually ended up needing to butterfly stitch it. Ive been a mess again since, food is the hardest, I'm never hungry and when i eat i feel sick. I'm back at the anger stage of coping though, this one is easiest for me to deal with, lots of angry music and diary posts. I'm afraid I'm never going to find anyone, by now everyone's straight or taken, and i have horrible social anxiety and pretty much need to get drunk to go to my very first pride alliance at my school this fall. I honestly don't know what i want people to say, i just want people who understand to care. (&&&)
If it helps, I'm going to say I'm sorry this happened. But I don't know if it will help, because when people said that to me, it only made me feel worse. I've never really stopped struggling with cutting, and suicide...yeesh, don't even get me started. Take a deep breath. Slow down for a couple minutes. First of all, this isn't your fault. It's hers. To me, it seems she acted to harshly, and if you were going through a rough spot, she should've stuck with you through it to the very end instead of ending it just because you were "distant." Because that's how you cope. And that's what happens. And she should've been willing to be with you through thick and thin. (And "as her friend be happy for her?!" No...Just no.) As your friend, she should also be there for you, regardless of relationships. (Sorry if this seems a bit harsh, but I know having your heart crushed and then grinded into dust is not fun at all.) Her aside, just know that you're not alone. There are hundreds, if not thousands of people who I guarantee feel like they will never find anyone else. Heck, I feel that way. But I try to remember that no matter what, they are out there. That someone you're looking for is out there, thinking the same thing and wondering if they should keep fighting or just give up. It may seem like you'll never find them or they're too far away, but I promise you, you can find them. And I know it's really, really hard with social anxiety *raises hand* but if you go, you could find someone. If I keep that in mind, that I might just meet that one person, I can usually power through. I have a feeling you can too. Also, please, please don't give up. Believe me, I know how it feels. When you're just tired and sad and angry and you just can't take anymore, it seems like its worth it. But its not. (I know it sounds cliché but its true) If you give in, I'm sure there's someone who will cry and hurt the same way you did when you lost those family members. If there isn't, then you've got me. I will cry for you if you give in, because you're now my friend, and I care about what happens to you. You're a beautiful person. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, even your own mind. You can get through this, because you're strong enough and amazing enough to. Just keep walking forward. You'll look back on this someday and look over at the person you're holding hands with and you'll be happy that you fought through to that person. Just keep going. If you ever need anyone to talk to about absolutely anything at all, I'm here. Dig deep. You've got this.(*hug*)
Thank you for your words. They don't magically fix everything but they helped. Today's one of those bad days, I'd been doing good for a while but she showed back up in my dreams and I've had tears behind my eyes all day. The memories of the good times hurt must, making me feel on how that's gone... but I need to stop talking because this is making me cry. I'm a mess, I want to eat everything but also nothing at the same time, I want to cut my leg back open again... I don't honestly even know why I want to cut anymore, I know it's a very temporary release, but at least it's something... HOLY CRAP I FINALLY UNDERSTAND RUNNERS HIGH!! I've been running for months now and figured I'd never feel it, but I have! After I run I feel the same as after cutting (but slightly more sweaty)! But there's still just something about blood... I can't even explain it...I'm in a not so great mental state right now, sorry if I sound crazy
