Hi guys. I'm really unsure of what I should do in this situation, and I really need advice. But first, let me start from the beginning. I'm a 16 year old male who came to the realization that he was bisexual about a year ago. Unfortunately the way I came to this conclusion was that I realized the feelings I have towards one of my friends were a little more than just friendly. I've felt this way about him virtually since I met him back in 7th grade (going into 11th now) but I didn't realize exactly what it was that I was feeling for him. Naturally this caused me to reexamine my entire life, and upon reflection I'm pretty sure I'm bisexual. I haven't told anyone yet, but I know my family would be accepting. One of my cousins is a lesbian, and is now happily married. I should say that about 2 years ago, certain things going on in my life made me really fall head over heels for my friend. I had five family members die over the period of a year, and lost many of the "friends" I thought I had at the time. My friend, let's call him Noah, was the only person who seemed to care. Nobody else even bothered to ask if I was okay. Heck, most people made jokes about my family dying. Needless to say, I kinda thought of "Noah" as the best thing in the world at the time. I didn't start to get closer to him until about 8 months ago though. Nobody to blame but myself for that. I'd been an angry, bitter kid since moving away from my hometown 8 years ago to where I am now. I got bullied a lot, and as a result I tend to push people away even if I don't want to. So I kinda tortured myself a bit by keeping him at arms length for so long. Anyway, things are a little better now. I consider Noah a good friend, and I've started to become acquainted with some of his friends. Bullying isn't much of an issue anymore. I have an allergic reaction to them you see, I make them break out in bruises. ;-) ("So get to the point already!," you shout.) Alright, alright. He's the situation: I think Noah might be gay, or bi, or whatever. Back in 8th grade he asked if I had seen the new YouTube video he had made. I hadn't, so later that day I searched his YouTube username to get to his channel. Well, at the bottom of the search page a profile sharing the same name on a website I didn't know came up. Wondering what it was I clicked on it. Well it turns out it was a profile on a GAY porn site. It was completely blank except for the username and registration date (Dec. 2011) of course. At the time I just assumed it was someone else's that coincidentally had the same username as my friend used on some of his profiles. I never brought it up, and frankly forgot about it. Fast forward towards the end of 8th grade. Some asshole, who I'll call Dave, somehow managed to get into one of Noah's gmail accounts. Granted, it was his secondary account that he didn't use much but it was still a huge violation of privacy. So he's talking to a couple people about this and says "Yeah, he got into it by answering the password reset questions correctly. I haven't used the account in over a year though." Then he goes on to say that the password he had was really stupid, and proceeds to TELL ME WHAT IT WAS. So after this whole thing, I'm thinking: Shit, I better change my password just in case. So I do. I make this ridiculous password like 28 characters long with numbers, capital letters, symbols, you name it. Course, in the process of trying to make this thing as complex as possible, yet have me still able to remember it, I include Noah's freaking ham radio call-sign in my password. TAKE NOTE OF THIS. This was back around May, 2012 I believe. Fast forward to 9th grade. Noah does something that really pisses me off. If it had been anyone else I probably would have punched them right in the face. He had this shit-eating grin on him one day during lunch, when we were talking about what happened with Dave, and he said "Your password might be long but it's not very secure." I about had a stroke. So yeah, I'm simultaneously furious with him for doing it and embarrassed that he knows I have his callsign in my password. However I change my password again, he apologizes, this blows over and he doesn't bring up that his call sign was in my password. This was in December of 2012, and around the time I started questioning my sexuality. I also remembered that account on a gay porn site I stumbled across. Awkward doesn't even begin to describe how we were (and still are) with each other when we're alone. In June 2013 I realize that, I like guys just as much, if not more, than girls. And yeah, I love my best friend. In October I do something I'm not proud of. Please don't give me a lecture, I hate that I did this. And yeah, I'm a hypocrite too. I attempt to log into the gay porn account I found with the password Noah said he used to use.... And I successfully log in. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe what I had just done, either. But seeing how I had already logged in, I clicked on the section with the profile information. And holy shit the email it was registered with was the same one Dave got into. Course then I start to wonder if Dave signed him up as a prank using Noah's email and password. However I dismissed that idea because the account was created before the incident with Dave by several months. Dave also didn't use the password to get into Noah's account, he correctly answered the password reset questions. There's also the fact that Noah still uses the same password (or variations of it) for some of his accounts. (He's logged into apps that he has in his phone in front of me.) He wouldn't use the same password if Dave had found what it was. Over the past few months I've done my best to get a lot closer with him. And frankly I'm at the point where I feel I should start to bring some of this up. Here's the thing though, I can't ever get him alone. Every freaking time I try he either says he can't, will change the plan to include our other friends, have it so that his parents are in his house at the time, or bring his older brother without telling me. On the occasions I have been alone with him he gets extremely awkward. Like, avoids eye contact, doesn't talk much, repeatedly asks if anyone else is going to show up, sarts playing video games online with his friends (I don't play video games) and just generally does his best not to be alone with me. I mean, last week I had planned on having several people over to my house. Well, two of them (who are twins) said they probably could not, and another friend canceled. So when I told him he might be the only one coming over unless the twins could come, he said he would do it another day. Meanwhile I was going to be gone the next four days. Then when it turns out that the twins can come over, he says he'll come over too. He does this type of thing all the time. As far asad not being straight goes... He does not talk about girls. At all. When people call him/something gay he usually just ignores it or says something like "I'm pretty sure I'd know that before you" or "I don't see how that is homosexual." When people ask if he likes someone gets really flustered and doesn't answer. Not asking who, asking if there is someone he likes. Course maybe that's just wishful thinking. On my part. So, yeah, that's the situation I'm in. Sorry it was so long. I also typed it fairly quickly on my phone so my writing probably sucks. ;-) I just really don't know how to proceed from here. I want to tell him I'm bisexual. I want to bring up that I found that porn site, and apologize for the invasion of privacy. I want to know what his sexual orientation is. I want to know if he likes me back. But I don't know how I should approach this. So, members of EC, I hope you can offer some advice. Thanks in advance. -Stoccata
I have a strong feeling your friend probably is gay. The way he acts around and his responses to your questions it seems very obvious he is gay or even bi. I would lighten the conservation by asking bringing up a gay topic or find something on tv like Modern Family and watch it with him with him thinking the show just came on. I think you should ask him about his sexuality or reveal yours but I think you should be very cautious and really make sure it is not gonna result in making matters worse. The fact that he won't be alone with you could mean he is afraid of what could happen with you in private and he is avoiding that possibility. Do you know if he ever said anything homophobic or how his family thinks of gay people.
Thanks for the reply! He's never said anything blatantly homophobic. He's used "gay" jokingly as a descriptor before, but even then I can count how many times he's done this one hand and still have enough fingers left to deal off the bottom of a deck. I know for a fact he supports same sex marriage. I don't know much about his family's views on it but based on the few times I've talked to his parents and given that we live in quite a liberal, LGBT friendly area, I suspect that they're supportive of LGBT people. I should say that despite that the area is very liberal and in general LGBT friendly, the school environment is not so much. While you won't find many people who are downright homophobic bigots, nearly everyone uses "gay" as an insult. It's rare that I don't hear someone called a fag several times every class period. (God most teenagers are assholes.) Like you said, I really don't want to make this worse. I don't plan on suddenly confronting him about this. What I'd like to do is to have him spend the night sometime soon, maybe watch something that brings up homosexuality in some way, tell him I'm bisexual, and see what happens from there. I'd rather not call him out on it (at all frankly) without first at least letting him know my orientation. Again though, the issue with getting him alone. He's not like this with anyone else by the way. Maybe I'm just scary or something. :icon_wink While I think I could tell him, I don't feel ready to let anyone else know. I am going to be moving out of my house and into an apartment soon (house went up for sale today) so maybe I can convince him to come over before I move out. I'm thinking of maybe pulling up "The Normal Heart" on HBO to watch before we go to sleep. Should provoke a conversation about sexual orientation and make it easier to transition to telling him. (Course what do I know, I've never done this before. I'm nervous as hell just thinking about it.) Assuming I can get him to come over, does this sound like a good plan? (Course now I'm reminded of the old saw: "No plan survives the first encounter with the enemy.") Any other advice or opinions? Thanks a lot by the way.
No problem. I think it is pretty obvious he is gay and again I would be very cautious and bring up sexual orientation in a non confronting way and dig into the conversation and than maybe he will open up to you. I think your idea is great and you should go for it. I am sorry your school environment is homophobic and that maybe why he is not opening up about his sexuality. It maybe better to wait until you leave High School to confront him about this but it seems like there is no right or wrong answer. The thing I would kind of worry about is him finding about about you and telling the whole school about it but I would really trust your gut on this and just go for what you think is best and the most safest way to go about this. v
I know for a fact he wouldn't tell anyone if I told him. He's just not that type of person. At this point I'm going to stick to my idea, but I think I might wait a little bit to do so. He's still kinda uncomfortable about being alone around me and I don't want to suddenly shock him if I get him to come over by himself. I'd like him to not be so awkward/nervous around me before I tell him. I do feel like I should tell him soon though. I'm losing sleep over this on top of everything else that's going on in my life. Thanks for the reply.
I hesitate to mention this, but is it possible that he feels strongly about you and that is why he doesn't want to be alone with you? Might be a nervous knee jerk reaction to not being sure about himself but perhaps having feelings for you.. I think the idea of telling him about yourself without any expectation of him coming out to you is probably a good start. He very well might be straight and simply just not ready to chase girls.
I have considered that too, but given how I feel about him I didn't want to dwell on that hypothesis too much as I figured it could just be wishful thinking. Nice to have someone else think that it's a possibility though. Thanks for the input. I definitely don't have any expectation for him to come out to me soon after telling him. I don't really know what I'm expecting to be honest. I have considered the possibility that he is straight.... However I have trouble entertaining that idea for very long because I simply don't think that someone who is completely straight would sign up for a gay porn site.
Gay porn doesn't mean they are gay. If you poke around here, you'll find straight guys coming on here asking if they are gay because they like gay porn. Guys are visual creatures. Some are more easily aroused than others and often anything sexual will work to arouse some guys. So being into gay porn doesn't mean he is gay. Though in truth, it might mean that he is curious? even if it is a hands off curious..
I realize that porn isn't the best indicator of sexual orientation. I mean, if we're being honest about it the majority of guys are basically walking hard-ons 24/7 from about age 11. He was 13 (well, almost 14) when he made the account, and I'm sure that just like 99% of people at that age he could get aroused at anything sexual. However like you said I do think it means that he was at least curious, even if he's not gay or bi or whatever. Whether he still is or not.....well, that's a lot farther down the road. Course, he could very well be gay too, who knows. Anyway, I'm planning on inviting him over to spend the night next Friday. Do you think I should tell him that I'm bisexual then or do you think I should wait a little longer? I should mention he's never spent the night at my house nor me at his. I'm also going to be moving out of this house soon, and I'd like to have our other two friends (who are twins) over to spend the night too before I have to move out. I know he'd be more comfortable if they were there. Obviously I wouldn't be coming out to him that night though.
Haven't told him yet. Hopefully he'll be able to spend the night Friday. If he can come over I'll tell him. I'm tired of keeping who I am a secret.
Hey! I think you've already got this under control Tell him that you're bi. You're idea sounds perfect. Maybe just before saying it, you can say something like: "Hey, there's something I need to tell you, but I'd like it if you could not tell this to anyone else because I'm not ready for that yet. I hope it doesn't change anything" If he comes out too, it might be a good idea to tell him about your feelings too. But that's your call to make. Good luck, and keep us updated!
Thanks. I asked him earlier if he wanted to spend the night Friday and his response was: "Not sure lemme get back to you after work." He still hasn't gotten back to me. He said he wasn't doing anything Friday though, so hopefully he can come over. If he comes out....I might tell him how I feel. Not sure. Anyway, assuming he comes over it'll be 4 days until I tell him. I'll keep you guys updated.
Ugh. Looks like that may not happen after all. He never got back to me on Monday, so I asked him again on Tuesday night if he could come over Friday. He responded early this morning with "Probably not unfortunately." I basically said that sucked, and asked him why he couldn't come about 10 minutes later. Apparently he hasn't even seen my message though, and hasn't given me an answer. This kinda sucks though because I have a lot going on in my life right now, and I have no idea when the next time he could come over is.
I'd rather touch the subject of... why do you never want to spend time with me alone? Do I freak you out or something? If he comes to your sleepover. Things may get weird from his perspective if you come out and he's spending the night...he might get the wrong ideas... Anyway,best of luck and keep us updated
Yeah... That probably would be a better course of action I suppose. He already seems uncomfortable about being around me. Coming out at a sleepover when it's just me and him probably wouldn't help. Good idea. If I can manage to get him over that's probably what I'll do.
