Hey Everyone, So if any of you remember my previous posts you'll know that my exboyfriend and I broke up a little over a month ago. We dated for three years and lived together for the last year and a half of our relationship. We broke up essentially because I couldn't give him the space he needed and we were both losing parts of ourselves in the relationship. Things were hard at the end, we would fight about little things and he always seemed upset and unhappy, not necessarily with me, but with himself. He kindof broke up with me spontaneously (for both of us). He moved out of our apartment and into a new one up the street from me (I stayed). I am still taking care of his cat because he can't have cats in his new place, but we have an agreement that it's HIS cat and if he moves, he has to take her, if i move he has to take her, if she gets sick, he brings her to the vet and pays for her, he also agreed to buy cat food and litter for her, which he has followed through with. We haven't been doing the whole No Contact thing because we both agreed that we would rather adjust to being friends than to being strangers and trying to be friends later. He got in a bad car accident last weekend, but thankfully was not hurt. He fell asleep driving on the highway and hit a sign as well as the guardrail and totaled his car, but miraculously, he didn't have a scratch on him. He texted me about it to tell me that he had totaled his car and that when he told his parents what happened, they didn't even ask if he was okay, they just asked if he was drunk or on drugs. This landed him in a deep depression and he started saying things to me that really really worried me. He told me he wished the car crash had killed him and that he didn't understand why he was still even alive. He said he felt like he didn't belong in this world at all anymore and just wanted the pain to end (He had been in emotional pain while we were together, but it wasn't about me. Part of the reason we broke up was because he didn't want to take me down with him.) So I invited him to go for a walk to the ice cream store in town with me, which he agreed to do, only when he got to my house, he just started crying and ended up coming inside instead of going to get ice cream. We sat in mostly silence for hours. We talked a bit and he seemed really reallly really badly depressed, almost suicidal. I told him that I'm always here for him if he ever needs anything at all and that I love him. I told him that it would ruin me if he hurt himself. I checked up on him a few times until finally he said he was starting to feel a bit better and that things were looking up. In the times I checked up on him, he seemed VERY willing to communicate with me. We had conversation about how our work days were going and stuff. I sent him a snapchat that I had sent to a lot of people about some cat grass i was growing for our cats (saying "Are cats supposed to eat this?") and he responded to it and we had another little conversation. The whole thing started making me feel hopeful about our relationship and i'm not sure that I should. It felt like I could still be there for him, but he also pushed my hand away when i tried to comfort him by running my fingers through his hair. I miss him very very much. It's not just the companionship i'm missing, it's him. I went on a date last night and the guy got a little too intimate with me and it made me feel really uncomfortable. All I could think about was how much I missed my ex and how I wished this guy was him. I just want my best friend back (and let's be honest, I would be really happy if we could have some kind of relationship again). I don't necessarily want exactly what we had before. There were issues with the way our relationship worked, we were always with eachother and did every little thing together. What really gets me is that now that we've had time apart from eachother I can see what was wrong in a way that I couldn't when we were in the relationship together. We no longer live together and I think that would help us get back what both of us were missing from the relationship, but I"m not sure that's what he wants. I get the impression that he just doesn't want to be together at all, even if we could fix the problems. That makes me incredibly upset. I feel completely at a loss here. I have no idea what I should do. I always want to cry when I'm at work and it's inappropriate but I'm okay when I'm home and have the space to cry. I feel like I'm bottling up all of my emotions about this and I"m not moving on because I really really want him back. I don't want to let him go because I love him so much and I know he loves me too but just doesn't feel that we can be together right now. When we broke up, he said he wasn't sure if we would get back together in the future, but he wouldn't rule it out. He also said he doesn't want me to wait around for him, he wants me to move on from the relationship. It's really hard to not wait around when I know there's some chance that he could want to come back to me in the future. What do I do? How do I handle this? I physically get uncomfortable and upset when I think about the fact that he isn't mine anymore. I miss him so much. :bang::tears::tears::tears::tears::help::icon_sad:
