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Is it intuition, fear or just overthinking things?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by TeePee, Jul 18, 2014.

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  1. TeePee

    TeePee
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    Hello EC'ers. About 3 weeks ago i started a relationship with a guy my friend introduced me to.
    Rewind to 2weeks before the relationship myfriend told me about his girlfriend's best gay friend. He gave me his numbers in case i was interested. I would admit, i have been really lonely for some time (my last relationship was almost 3 years ago) and being school holidays i had very little to do. So i felt it wouldn't hurt to check him out. After a spur of the moment thing, i decided to visit my family in a neighbouring country and held off contacting this guys. 3weeks ago i just said hie via a ''chat app''. We talked for hours and i discovered that week i had a boyfriend. My initial reaction was yay but later followed the ''i'm not ready for this, what if A, what if B....he's social i'm not...he's into this i'm not, and and and....''. He claims i make him so happy and he plans to stick around as long as possible...this scares me. We haven't even met!
    He kinda includes me in future plans, i don't yet. Our relationship is 20 days old and it's his birthday today and he expects a gift. Is this normal?
    I'm terrified of meeting him but i'm more terrified of how serious it's getting serious that i've evn started thinking about sex with other people.

    Am i just too crazy, are these red flags or i'm just too insecure.

    This coming wee
     
    #1 TeePee, Jul 18, 2014
  2. Nychthemeron

    Nychthemeron
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    Not sure if the 'this coming wee' was supposed to be another sentence, but:

    That sounds pretty... fast-paced. I think, the best thing you can do right now and is confront him about it. Give him a gift as a friend, not a boyfriend, and tell him that you want to take it a bit more slowly.

    My friend got a boyfriend in the second day she fucking met him, and apparently, he was too fast paced for her too. Plus, he was a shitface, so she ended up breaking it off with him.

    Not saying your boyfriend will be the same, but I am saying to not be afraid to cut it off if something goes wrong. A relationship should make both of you happy, not just him.
     
    #2 Nychthemeron, Jul 19, 2014
  3. PatrickUK

    PatrickUK
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    Hi TeePee, I'm not sure if you intended to say more, but you seem to have finished writing mid-sentence?? I'll reply to what you have said and if there is more maybe you will come back to us.

    You say you have been lonely for some time (3 years) and I'm wondering if that period of being alone has had a negative impact on you, beyond loneliness? Sometimes when we haven't been dating for a while it can damage our confidence and self esteem and make us more wary of relationships in future. Could this be a factor in your current feelings? My reason for asking this is because of this:

    It almost seems as though you were talking yourself out of it just as soon as you'd begun.

    When we meet someone we have choices. We can take it nice and steady, play it cool and see how things develop (that's my own way) or we can move along at a quicker pace, or quicker still and really shower the other person with attention and affection. Personally, I find the latter approach a bit too intense, but it's how some people are. So maybe, you are also finding it a bit intense and see the red flags.

    So what do you do? Well, you could panic and walk away now, or you could maintain a sensible level of caution and keep your feet on the ground and just see what happens. After three years, you may be ready for a little bit of attention and fun, providing it doesn't escalate too quickly and take you beyond your comfort zone (remember, you have control of things from your side).

    I don't think it would do any harm to buy a small gift. I'm not suggesting you spend a lot of money, or buy something lavish that would send out the opposite message to 'taking it steady', but it would seem a nice gesture. It's your choice though.

    What do you think?
     
    #3 PatrickUK, Jul 19, 2014
  4. TeePee

    TeePee
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    Sorry i didn't realise that i'd left off mid sentence. This coming week i'll be home for at most 2 weeks. I'll be meeting him for the first time and i'm really terrified

    @Linco, thanks for your wonderful insight. To answer your questions...being alone for 3 years hasn't had that much negative impact on most areas of my life. I've had time to concentrate more on myself and have managed to achieve a lot...things that i'm proud of.

    The self estem part is very much true. Before him, i'd look at hot guys and then later feel i'm not hot enough and good enough for them....i'm quite intelligent, i'm more confident with academic stuff than simple social things...eg dating.

    Do i feel it's intense? DEFINITELY! I went from no action at all to a full blown romance in 72hrs.
    He sounds like a nice guy though. I try to pull back a little when he makes statements that involve me in his future eg....instead of asking ''would u have me call u husband/partner if we were to get married'', i'd say ''if u were to get married to another guy would u expect him to call you husband or partner''.

    I guess i'll by him a small gift.....maybe something that says i'm not just a friend but i'm not the love of your life either. What do u think?

    ---------- Post added 19th Jul 2014 at 07:41 PM ----------

    @Nychthemeron thanks i'll keep your words in mind. I guess if i don't feel happy and fulfilled by the relationship i can always break it off.

    I'll give it a shot first, though
     
    #4 TeePee, Jul 19, 2014
  5. PatrickUK

    PatrickUK
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    A small gift would be a nice gesture. Just a little something that strikes the right balance.
     
    #5 PatrickUK, Jul 19, 2014
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