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My partner doesn't believe I'm gay

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by fluffybunnies, Jul 21, 2014.

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  1. fluffybunnies

    fluffybunnies
    Regular Member

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    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Any advice/discussion appreciated - new to the forum and had a nosy and you seem like a nice bunch! (&&&)

    Only found out I was gay (female, prefer this terminology though) last year and I feel a little silly to be finding out at 24 but better late than never I thought. I'd only had relationships with men and never been happy in them, then a close female friend told me that she had feelings for me, and I did for her, feelings unlike anything else I've ever experienced. We've been in a relationship for just over a year now.

    The problem is I think she doesn't quite believe that I'm gay - I can understand that it would be difficult for her to come to terms with given my age etc but I am sure of it! We had a bit of an argument and it was thrown at me that I'd had sex with men. It really hurt and later she apologised saying that it is probably more common than not in societies like our own where we are forced into the path of being heterosexual, however I can't carry on thinking she may not believe me! I know she has said that she didn't believe me before as generally (she says I hasten to add) that gay women generally wouldn't have a lot of sexual experiences with men if they were gay, whether they knew they were gay or not. :tears:

    I'd had experiences with girls in my early teens and my people kept trying to suggest that I may be gay, but I never imagined it possible. I fell into bad relationships with men, the last one I ended just before this one started with a woman. I think my partner believes that I am bisexual, maybe even tarnished in some way for having had sex with a man - somehow 'dirty' and damaged. I don't think this is fair as I cannot change it and although she says that she accepts it, given that so recently my past was used as an insult I imagine she has some doubts.

    It's difficult as I'm still a little overwhelmed with the fact that my world has been turned upside down after so long and when I try and talk about it she says that I don't have to worry anymore - because we are in a relationship - however it's still difficult for me when gay culture is something I believe that she doesn't think I'm a part of (we went to a guest house recently owned by a lesbian couple and she kept making jokes about how I would cope etc).

    Sorry for the long post, getting some things off my chest:confused:
     
    #1 fluffybunnies, Jul 21, 2014
  2. HTBO

    HTBO
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    I don't really have advice, but I kind of understand. I have a friend(not in relationship always calls me straight:slight_smile:). I'm 37 and was married, and I have 3 kids. but as you said, I'm sure of it, there is no doubt. I just ignore her when she makes those comments, but I do know it can be frustrating. Maybe try talking to her about it when you're not in a situation that she's bringing it up?
     
    #2 HTBO, Jul 21, 2014
  3. Peacemaker

    Peacemaker
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    Location:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    it seems she really does not understand you, she does not get that women can be gay be have had relations with men before, sorry am losing my train of thought
     
    #3 Peacemaker, Jul 21, 2014
  4. wanderinggirl

    wanderinggirl
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    Ok this is one of the things that gets me really riled up. No, you are not spoiled just because you were with men before. Not every lesbian is a gold star, and for a lesbian to think she's better because she is one is just douchey. You had your past, she had hers; you didn't ask her what she did in bed before did you? Or at least if you did, you didnt' care. Why should she care where you've been?

    Part of it might be this insecurity that if you've slept with guys once you will miss it and want to "go back" to men. It's distrust and biphobia and heterophobia and it needs to stop in our community.

    You should read "The Purity Myth: How America's Obsession with Virginity is Hurting Young Women" by Jessica Valenti. Really interesting read.

    You should never let someone guilt you for who you slept with in the past. That's your past. If she can't get past it, that's her problem and not yours.

    People take different paths to homosexuality. It's great for her that she figured it out early on; but you're not her.

    And besides so what if you are bisexual? Or were? Or will be? Does that invalidate your current relationship with a woman? (i mean that was a rhetorical question; but in case it wasn't obvious, the answer is no. nope nope nope. no it doesnt.)
     
    #4 wanderinggirl, Jul 21, 2014
  5. stocking

    stocking Guest

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    Location:
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    Sexual Orientation:
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    I'm with wondering girl on this one
     
    #5 stocking, Jul 21, 2014
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