How do you get over someone who you can't have?

What do you think her reaction would be if you came out to her?
Have you thought about how coming out might help/hinder your 'getting over her'?

 

Omg she sounds like me before I came out. I dated guys briefly and formed no attachments, I always wanted to be just friends with guys (though I wasn't chased after nearly as much as this girl), I kept asking guy friends what they thought of oral sex on girls... I don't wanna cultivate false hope here but she sounds at LEAST bicurious!

That being said there's not much you can do to get her out of denial. How old is she? Not that it matters, people come out at all ages, but maybe if she's on the younger side there's more of a chance.

Regardless there is the added complication that she's your coworker; if you are worried about the professional dynamic at all, do not pursue this further. Try dating elsewhere. Eventually it will pass. I mean mine didn't, but like, yours totally will...

 

I wish I could tell you how to get over someone you can't have, still trying to determine how to do that. I know with my crush when I was in the closet I sent all kinds of signals hoping she would notice, even though I knew I still couldn't have her.
It is interesting that she asked about oral sex. If you're not out to her, then it seems like a strange choice of topic to discuss with a co-worker. Wanderinggirl is right, her being a co-worker may complicate matters so consider that before deciding whether to proceed.

 

Well friend, you can either tell her how you feel or try to forget her. It is quite painful. But holding on and waiting for something to happen will only bring you more pain. It's very easy for us to confuse friendship and love, especially since we girls tend to be very intimate with our friends. It is very hard, being in love makes it harder, to distinguish between these two. Whatever you decide, telling her or forgetting her, and whatever stems from that you will be free. Just don't let more time pass, it will only prolong this hurtful situation.

 

Well, if you get over her, It's hard but possible. You just have to stop thinking about her, stop interacting with her for a while, concentrate on other things.

Of course you could also tell her how you feel.

She does sound straight though; a lot of girls are just overly affectionate with girls. Plus, falling for straight girls always sucks, even if they like you back, because they aren't going to be as serious as F/F reationships as a real lesbian is. it's usually just a game for them.

 

There's also a lot of truth to: what you resist persists.
Consider trying to internally accept your feelings for her, perhaps then they'll fade over time.

 

I've felt like this before in the past, and it is absolutely horrible. I usually try and distance myself from the person, but as you work with her it will be difficult. :icon_sad: Maybe you could contact her alot less outside of work and focus your energies on picking yourself up or meeting an actual lesbian. I know its an awful situation to be in, I also tried to delude myself into thinking there was hope (*hug*)

 

Placing anyone on a pedestal is never a good idea. If you can't avoid her, you need to change the way you see her; beginning with the idea that she most likely has flaws. After all, pedestals are for statues not real people...and real people have flaws.

I had a terrible crushing crush on a girl (back when I firmly believed I was straight), but when I realized it wasn't going to happen, it helped when I remembered the weird way she would dance, or her casualness about having meaningless sex...if you can, try seeing the real person, warts and all. Try to balance the good things you see in her against the not-so-good things that all of us have. Soon enough, because you used your innate ability to open your eyes after you've permitted yourself to believe she is flawed, you may find your feelings becoming a little more nuanced, perhaps even a little less extreme.

 

Oy! You have it bad! Worth a try anyway (as for that girl I wrote about above, in the final analysis, listing her flaws didn't make much of a difference to me either! )

It don't think you will freak her out if you tell her, not if you reassure her that you know that nothing can happen between you. You can tell her simply that you will feel better if you know for sure, coming from her, that nothing will happen.

I knew a girl who had a terrible crush on me, I was simply not attracted to her in that way (naturally, in retrospect). She had a very hard time telling me, it was like pulling teeth, but once I confirmed it, I let her down as gently as I could, she did have a time to reflect and be sad, but we remained good friends for a while, even if I knew that the friendship changed in tone somewhat.

You need to decide which of two admittedly bad situations is worse: remaining in your own head without action or taking action and dealing with the outcome...choose to act, if only because remaining in your own head can be quite confining...

 

If you think you stand a chance with her, even the slimmest chance, you need to go for it. On the other if you really feel that it will never happen than I think that you should actually try to just settle into the feeling. I think the harder you fight it the more it will persist. Accept it as an experience and live with it--there will be lots of other experiences--and if you are lucky lots of them will cause you to feel things strongly. I think you should feel it all, don't run from it.

Mine was one of my college roommates--I was head over heels in love with him but not out. We did everything together but that--in fact later when I came out to people from college numerous people were like oh right you and X? But, alas, no. When I graduated from college I had plans to travel in India for the year--word got back to me that he was going to ask me not to leave. I wasn't sure how I felt about that. He didn't have standing to ask anything like that but I wasn't sure what I would do if he tried to claim some such standing. Well, friends threw me a going away party--he showed up really late, really drunk, started to cry and passed out--it was apparently just more than he could handle. I left the country the next day. When I returned I went and visited him--he had moved away after I left. I came out to him and I'll never forget what he said. He said "wow, that's like a whole lifestyle thing, right? I could never do that. I'm so sorry..." as he teared up. We never discussed his orientation again. I know his wife. It's been 20 years, it will never happen but it's one of the things that happened to me. It was horrible and sad and still makes me a little sad when I think of it. But it was also one of the first times I felt something so deeply that it showed me the core of who I was. I wouldn't wish it on anyone and yet I wouldn't wish it away. My partner knows the story, he knows the gentleman's name, despite the fact that he has never met him and likely never will--he knows it because it's a part of me.

Feel your feelings--so many never allow themselves to feel them. Don't try to push it down or get over it, find a way to live with it and go on to feel other things. Just my two cents as someone who feels like he's been there...

 

I hate when this happens! It's totally agonizing. I usually tell myself that one day I'll be able to find someone who really is into girls, and things won't seem nearly as painful in retrospect.

 

OGS has given you some extremely wise counsel, heed it well!

It is absolutely correct, that feeling teaches you something about yourself and it will always be with you. Even now, knowing and accepting that I am gay, and still in touch with this woman who is married and lives in Israel with her husband and children; even now, she holds a special place in my heart. Without her I would never have known what it is like to love someone so deeply and so truly.

 

Ive often thought it would help if I could get some sign that my crush is unavailable so it would be easier for me. Instead of constantly analysing every word, look, email for hidden signs. If I knew for certain it she is definitely not giving me secret signs life would be easier. Yes, I would be disappointed but I would have to accept it and move on.

 

I've had that problem for many years. I've had a crush on a friend and misinterpreted in general everything she said to me.
Well, the only way to get this was impossible was to recognize she's a bitch.
To be sure the only way is to ask her. Otherwise you won't stop and maybe it gets worse.
But it's also possible that it gets less with time. But mostly not.
Ask her and stop to over-interpret her actions.

 

I felt the same way about my crush. She taught me that I can feel deeply about someone and that I do have emotions. She was also the reason I realized I was a lesbian. She's someone I can't have either, not because she's straight, she actually is gay, but she's in a relationship and she's a professor and I'm a student. She will never know about my crush, but will always have a special place with me because of everything she's unknowingly showed me.