Love triangle of sorts.

Warning: rant

So, as of this moment, I have come out as a lesbian (though I'm not big on labels) to four people. Two of them are some of my best friends, both of whom are bisexual. So theres the backround story.

For about six months, I have had a major crush on one of my best friends, who I had gone to for help when i was questioning. Started around that time, and we almost kissed. She was fairly sure she was bi at the time, and we had exrtremely late night talks on sexuality. We will call her E.

Me and E were very flirty with each other. When I first told her I was questioning, she asked me to be her 'date' for the day. I accepted. that was about the time the crush formed. we held hands for the day, and snuggled, and it was nice. Everytime we have hung out since, in the first thirty minutes i was there, I was asked to be her 'date' of the day. And we were like a new couple, and niether one of us feel sexuality is something to hide, so just did it in public. No one sespected we were both questioning.

So a few months later, I had identified as a lesbian to myself for the first time. the first person I told was one of my best friends, and one of the only ones who is not homophobic. Well call her B. She invited me over for a sleepover, and i gushed all over E and we talked. She had already been identifying as bisexual for about a year.

I continued to like E for another month and a half or so, when I went on vacation. During vacation, one of my extremely close, extremely homophobic friends texted me saying how E thought I had a silly school girl crush on her and if it was true. Not to be dramatic, but I felt like my heart had shattered into a million pieces. At this, I convinced myself that I had imagined the chemistry between us, and that she did not in fact like me.

So, I did what any hormonal, angst filled teenager would do - I listened to alot of F*** you songs an yelled at people for a few days. But, by the end of vacation, I had made myself forget about e. I went home, b****ed about it to B, and told B i didnt think E liked me that way, so we were no longer a concern.

Of coarse I still longed that one day me and E would kiss, but i pushed those adise with wishes that someone from summer camp would confess they loved girls, and we would evoke in a secreat love affair. but whatever. I just wanted a GF

About two weeks ago, while I was hanging out at B's house, she took me aside and said in like one sentance "I've liked you for a really long time. Will you be my girlfriend. We can just try it out until school starts."

So I said yes, because I really didn't want to hurt her feelings, and I wanted a girlfriend, and it doesnt hurt to have experience. And it honestly wasn't that bad, I kinda liked it. She called me hot, and I got to flirt, and it was nice to go on dates (even though we told our parents we were just going to the movies) plus it got E off my mind. It only felt off when the rules B put were set. No holding hands, no kissing, no hugging, no snuggling, we date boys to throw the outside world off our sent unless we were in her bedroom, and even then no kissing or hugging. I had never felt like someone was so embarressed of me in my life.

then E comes in. We were having a sleepover two days ago as friends. As usual, she asked me to be her 'date' of the day. And because she was my best friend, I told her I was dating B, even though me and B had decided to keep it a secret from everyone. She revealed she was back together with her boyfriend, who we will call C, and who we had both dated a while back. She said she didn't like him at all though.

Fast foward a few hours and we were playing the steriotypical sleepover game for sleepovers, Truth or Dar, AkA preform a embarressing sexual activity or reveal who you like. We were at a park, and we had gotten to the piont where we were both comfortable where we were sitting and didnt want to get up, and started playing Truth or Truth.

And this is when our story turns to every crappy teen romance novel that had ever lived. The dreaded "So, C*****, who do you have a crush on?" Because E knew I didn't really like B. I told her she needed to tell me who she liked first. After a riveting ten minute fight on who yhas to go first, she confessed. And said the words that put me in ths mess.

"Ok, so about two months ago, I had this dream about you. When you were still on vacation? And I relised I missed you. And I've had a crush on you ever since" And I hope you, dear reader read that in an annoying teenage girl voice, kinda like Kim k. because it makes me feel better to think that she said it that way.

And I know I should've lied, and said i didn't feel that way. But I had waited for six months for her to say that. So i told her that i liked her too. That night, when it was time for dinner, E told me we were trying something. We got in fancy dresses, and ate our mac an cheese that we were served on the front porch. To see if we'd acttully like dating. We talked of our "relationship" We talked about our real relationships. And it felt... right. Oh god, that sounds cliche. pretend I didn't write that.

But, i felt terrible. In told her, that I really liked her, but I couldn't do it to B. She asked why we were in our relationships when we weren't happy. Because their our friends I said. She was fine with us dating while dating other people, but I couldn't do it. I told her I wouldn't cheat on B. She asked if we were ever going to date. I said yes, but we needed time.

I have decided that I will date B until about two weeks after school starts, unless she breaks up with me first. Then i will say that school is too hard and I cant deal with a relationship, and I hope we can still be friends. All three of us will be going to different schools next year, so int'll be easy enough.

But I still feel terrible, because I feel like that one kinda date on E's frount porch with mac and cheese was cheating. Its been eating me alive for days. I cant eat, I cant sleep, the guilt is killing me. Both of them are battling depression, and I dont want to loose either of them,. Please, anyone have advice?

Thank you for reading my incredibly long, incredibly cliche rant. if you even made it this long. I really apreicate it.