So this summer has been hell... To start off the previous school year was amazing. I was finally able to make friends that were truly my friends. I love(d) them so much. Then came summer it first started when I basically feel in love with my best friend(different topic but kinda important). Then once school got out I lost contact with like all my friends because they were busy(most of them with sports). Our schedule's were pretty much completely your of phase. For the first 6-7 weeks of summer I talked to a total of like 5 different people. Also I have been super stressed out of school because it just makes my closeted gay side appear more and I have been getting really stressed about it. Also I have been insanely bored like some days I would barely leave my living rooms let alone my house. Naturally because of this I became "sad". I thought it was fine and would pass as soon as I saw my friends again. (I was wrong:bang. I just saw my friends the other day and it was scary. As soon as I saw them I was elated. That lasted for like thirty seconds. After that I became insanely self conscious. This was because my crush/best friend has had 6 hour sports practices for the last six weeks and he is ripped (!) and I am slightly overweight. Then after that passed I began to feel like I hated these people. I never wanted to see any of them every again. That was way out of my feelings I have ever had for any of them. Some other weird things to happen this summer. 1. I have been gaining and losing weight randomly. This is weird because for the last two years I have barely waived more than a pound at any given point in time. This is due to weird earring habits I have been having of sub-conscious fasting and gorging I didn't realize was happening until like last week. 2. I have lost interest in things I used to love. I had like three or four major projects I started to do in the beginning of summer but I have lost complete interesting them. This is weird for two reasons. The first being that these projects involved things that I loved. Another reason is that I am so freaking bored and am willing to do almost anything to stop being bored. 3. My sleep schedule has been like a yo-yo some nights u get four hours of sleep or like today I slept for like eighteen hours. This is weird because there is no pattern behind these changes besides my mood which switches randomly too. 4. I become pissed off easily and I am offended easily. This is weird because normally I am a happy go lucky laid back kind of person. 5. My taste of music has changed dramatically. For a while I would listen to happy pop and now it has changed to hard core rap and rock. All with depressive undertones it's not like I feel completely that way but it makes me feel normal and ok. 6. Finally what kinda brought all of this to light. My friends don't make me happy anymore they just make me sad. This scares me because they are all I look for when life seems to be pointless and I have nothing to live for. They are what keep me going at the end of the day. I look towards them for safety and comfort because my family life is like a cold sterile hell. Yet all of these feeling of love and happiness of them have vanished. I couldn't care if I ever see then again and in some ways I don't want to.:help: This all makes me lean towards me being depressed but at the same time I feel like if I say I am then I am just being one of "those" people that just complain to much. Also going to my parents just aggravates the need for me to come out which is something I don't want to do for the fear of losing my "guy" friends because I love them so much. They are like my brothers but if I come out I feel like our relation ships (mostly platonic) would be highly compromised. That coupled with these being the first year I have really have had friends makes me very reluctant to go anywhere near that topic. If someone could help me describe what is going on/why I am feeling these ways I would live to hear some input. (&&&):help::icon_sad:
If you think about it, you have gone from all to nothing at all over the summer. At school you had regular contact with your friends, but over summer you've been on your own with a worsening mood and outlook and perhaps a bit too much time to reflect and dwell on your sexuality. When we have sinking feelings and nobody to bounce off, it can become very depressing. Could it be that you feel a little abandoned by your friends and the long weeks on your own have made you view them differently? Perhaps a return to some sort of routine will help lift your mood. What do you think?
I have been through depression before At varrious points in my life. At one point, I was so depressed all I did was come home, go through the motions of eating, and sleep. The weekends were filled with me sleeping the day away. Idk how I got out of my depressed mood. I just told myself one day that I had to stop; I had to start living my life cause I realized how unhealthy this was. I joined the gym, and that was such a good outlet for meK it really helped! You may NOT want to be around your friends right now. And that is fine for now. But don't let yourself stay in a funky state of mind. Look in the mirror every day and say something positive to yourself. Be involved in activities like working out, sports, reading a good book, idk just something you are interested in that you can really immerse yourself in. If your friends are concerned just say I just am going through some stuff right now and I would rather be alone. And later on you don't have to explain if you don't want to. Just say you don't know why but the Summer has been a downer and you really just needed some quaility ''ME'' time. And after your mood gets better, then get with your friends again. If after a while....idk how long to tell you cause it was months for me...but if you keep feeling depressed and feel like it isn't getting better, confide in an adult you actually do trust. Maybe your dr who has to keep what you tell him confidential? And we are here to support you! Hugs! I hope things get better for you.
So today didn't help much. I thought going to home coming with some friends would help but I think it made it worse. First I felt super self-conscious because I was around my home school peers(not my friends they pretty much alienated me over the year). Then what made that worse was the football team targeted me for a potential player... My "friends" (they lie not my real friends) comments about how out of shape I was and how football would change that. Then that was followed by threats verbal and physical to play. It's really pissed me off. Then I find out by one of my real friends which happens to be on the real football team that the coaches put the kids up to it and inquisited the kids on kids able to play. Then after he found out that I hadn't signed up he wrote my name down and told the kids on the team to get me to play "any way possible". Not only do I find these Un-professional I find it rude and frankly appalling. Yippee I was going to have a happy day just to find out someone is coming alone to bewiddle me into pulp so I would throw money into their game. Now I feel like everyone is using me and isn't being fake about their feelings. How do u deal with this coach. I don't really know him but I am not going to put up with all hear kids tomorrow and at school.
That was kind of crappy of the coach and not really professional. People do crapy things sometimes though... I'm sorry. I wish I had good advice other than just ignore the coach. Don't let him get to you. Rise above it.
Yea today was a little overwhelming. There were around like 20 kids at my house today my brother threw a party. They were all the kids that alienated me this year. I wanted to hide away but I knew I couldn't because I would be made more fun of. As I am writing this I a can't help but to ask,"how do you get people to stay the hell away from you while you are depressed(I think I am mildly or maybe just stressed)". I feel bad for using this topic as a blog/rant when there are people with real problems out there. My question for now is how should I deal with alienating kids that act nice to me to use me(I am one of the "richer (not really I just have a pool)". I mean I just want them to go away but I get yelled at for being rude by my parents I don't know how to tell them I think I am depressed either. My mom has been noticing it often and ask me what is wrong but I lie and say I am tired. Not the real reason of "I feel like shit because the world hates me and I lie about every aspect of my life"
You being not happy/content is a real problem. (*hug*) I was in a similar situation (I think) at one point. What I did was answer their calls less and less, and just took a different path when walking places. It took a while, but it effectively distanced myself from my "friends". To be honest, I'm not comfortable with talking to my parents about anything serious, or relating to my feelings. Or pretty much anyone, actually.. Anyway, I've been excersizing lately, I picked up roller skating, and I feel a lot better. If you have a bike you could ride it every day. It'd also make it easier to avoid people. I'm sorry, this probably isn't helpful at all. I do hope you'll feel better though, and that coach and those kids will get off your back.
Hi waterlover, going by your original post, in which you describe losing interest in things that normally inspire, dramatic mood swings, irregular eating and sleeping patterns, etc, I suspect you might be suffering from a bit of depression, so maybe it would help to find a suitable (lgbt-friendly) counsellor to talk through stuff with. Just having someone to talk through your troubles with helps so much, I've found. Damien.
I agree with both of the two posts above. Find something to occupy your time; trust me it will help. And find someone you really trust to talk to. I just don't have enough advice like a professional would. Depression can be overwhelming. And it's best to talk to someone about it. I hope we have helped you somewhat though. Stay strong!
First I want to state that you guys have helped me a lot. Reading those post were like the highlight of my day. It makes me feel accepted and welcomed. The process of writing these replies/rants has old oh enough destructed me. That and along with 16+ hours of sleep a day. One thing that did suck about today was having an always conversation about girls being at my home... My parents must be blind. So after lying my way through a conversation about consensual rape laws. I felt pretty bad because my family completely a expects me to be straight(I am leading them on). They would be perfectly accepting if I came out but I am just not ready.
