I’m at a bit of a loss and not sure where to turn to. I hope I may find some guidance here even if it’s not exactly what this forum is for, but maybe you can help me see something. Also, in advance if any of this is offensive to anyone, I’m terribly sorry, I promise that’s not what my goal is here, I’m just looking for some help, any education you can provide me is greatly appreciated. Sorry for the length as well. Okay, so right off the bat, I’m a straight guy dating a girl who primarily likes women. I’m not sure she would call herself bisexual, more likely lesbian, she had been with a few guys sexually before me but is mainly attracted to women. I’ve never heard her use a label before which is why I’m not positive what to call it here. I’m her first long-term relationship with a man. She’s 21, I’m 28. We’ve been dating for five months now. It’s been very loving. We get along really well, enjoy each other’s company, and spend most of our free time together. There is a girl friend she’s had for four years now, her best friend. My girlfriend has always been attracted to her but they’ve never been intimate. Her friend has never been with a woman before, according to my girlfriend, but I find their interactions very flirtatious. About a month into our relationship, I found old, naked photos of the friend on her phone when my girlfriend was showing me some other pictures. The girlfriend immediately apologized, said she has an “odd, undefinable, but close relationship” with her friend, but understood that wasn’t acceptable and deleted the pictures. At this point is when my girlfriend confessed to me that she’s always loved this friend and has wanted to date her for an extremely long time. That was fine with me, we all have our past, and I didn’t want to feel like a bonehead and say something stupid since this is the first time I’ve been with a woman who mainly likes women. It felt odd to me that she still talked to someone daily who she liked, but it wasn’t a major thing. My girlfriend went to visit her friend (she lives out of state) for a couple weeks on vacation. Now that she’s returned, insecurities have popped up inside me that I’m having trouble ignoring. I heard my girlfriend on the phone speaking with her friend going into detail about how they ate pepperoni out of each other’s mouth at one point. Not cheating, (and probably not sanitary!) but it falls in line with this flirtation I’m not really comfortable with. My girlfriend could tell I was upset about something, so I ask her about what I heard, and said I trust her and know nothing happened, but your relationship with your friend makes me feel uncomfortable. She reassured me that nothing happened and said her relationship with her friend wouldn’t change because that’s her best friend. That’s understandable to me, and I wasn’t asking her to do anything differently. Now she’s known her friend far longer than she’s known me, but I’ve known her for over a year on top of the five months we’ve been dating, and it’s important to me that my girlfriend is also my best friend and it doesn’t feel that way. If I had to ask her if she loved me or her more (which I wouldn’t), I’m sure she’d say her friend. So that part does bother me but I can't change it so I either accept it or move on. Finally, I was sitting with my girlfriend tonight and my eyes caught her text messaging the same friend. I shouldn’t have been reading over her shoulder, but it was right in front of me and I saw my name so I couldn’t help it. She was talking about our sex life, and how she hasn’t orgasmed in three months after doing so quite a bit in the first month or so, just pretends she’s having a good time for my sake, but sometimes feels like she’d just rather not be having sex at all. I’m willing to admit my shortcomings in bed, that’s fine, I wish I was more adequate for her, but reading that broke my heart because I care about her and don’t want to just be going through the motions in any circumstance she doesn’t want to, especially sex. I haven’t brought any of this up with her because I feel like I’m responsible for some of these faults and want to look at myself before having a conversation about it. So where I’m at right now, which again I don’t want to offend anyone, but I just don’t know if my girlfriend is attracted to me anymore. It might not necessarily be a question of sexual orientation that’s the problem, I just feel so uneducated and helpless overall that I want to understand better what she’s going through if that’s indeed what it is, and if there is anything I can do to help. I deeply love her, and I know she loves me too, but maybe we just aren’t meant to be romantically involved, which would break my heart. Does anyone have any thoughts or suggestions on how to proceed? Again, I know this isn’t your typical stuff that gets posted here, but I appreciate any time you’ve given me in order to help me in this situation. Thanks again everyone.
I think you need to talk to her about how you feel, you can tell her more or less what you wrote in your post. Trust, openness, and honesty are important for a healthy relationship. If she's unwilling to talk about it, or is unable to be honest with you, that might be a sign that you're not meant for each other. She really should be talking to you first about any problems with your sex life, no matter who is responsible for them. You sound like a nice, caring person, and you deserve to be with someone who enjoys being with you, and is willing to put in the effort to make things work, not someone who makes you feel inadequate for whatever reason. If she is willing to talk to you, it might help to ask her what she likes while you're together. A lot of women have trouble having an orgasm, some of us need a specific kind of stimulation and the only way to find out what that is, is to ask (or have her show you if she can't articulate it). Thoughts to go over by yourself (or maybe with her, if you're able to have this kind of conversation) ... how would you feel about your girlfriend hanging out with a male friend that you knew she was attracted to? Especially if she was flirting with him? What would happen if her friend reciprocated the feelings? Are you willing to share her? She obviously doesn't have plans to give up the friendship.
