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Suppressing Distracting Thoughts About Crush

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by FeketeHajnal789, Jul 26, 2014.

  1. FeketeHajnal789

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    Being halfway into the summer holiday and not having seen my crush for over a month, I was just beginning to feel that my sentiments for him were finally cooling down, but now, they have flamed up again (simply because he posted a new shirtless picture of himself on Facebook...) and I really find this inconvenient. I'm full of butterflies (and all that goes with them) again, and I can't really focus on anything. I sit in my room all day and don't really feel up to doing what I would otherwise do. I had some sort of agenda until now, involving watching certain shows, reading, learning foreign languages, and the like, but now, all of those activities seem dull and even frustrating - I'm too restless to be able to engage in them (reading especially). My thoughts keep drifting to my crush and the only thing that I feel I would wish to do is go and meet up with him.

    However, I'm not really considering this as an option, so I sort of leave myself hanging. I don't really know how to deal with this - I feel that I have to wait for 4-5 days to pass for my excitement to subside so I can finally resume my activities with a clear mind. However, I don't really want to wait - this is what I've been doing for the past year and it's been extremely bothersome and even harmful (especially to my academic progress). While waiting to calm down, I lose so much time I could spend being productive and/or enjoying myself. So, do you have any suggestions as to how I should "get a grip", so to speak?

    I know that finding an exciting new hobby, taking walks, going out with friends, cleaning the house, and the like help with such problems because they divert one's attention from the problem at hand (unrequited love, at this point) - I've read multiple lists of such suggestions - but the problem is that I don't really feel like doing them. I really have an aversion toward doing just about anything, as I've said. I suppose that if I forced myself to do them, I might feel better eventually, so maybe I should "fake it till I make it", as the saying goes. I've sort of tried that yesterday, by forcing myself to read "A Pair of Blue Eyes" and learn Italian, although I didn't feel up to those things at all, but it didn't really work. I was just bored, restless, and upset, and eventually gave up. However, had I been doing these activities two days ago, before I saw my crush's new picture, I would have enjoyed them thoroughly.

    Then again, I suppose that I may not have chosen the right activities to distract myself - maybe I should have gone with something more stimulating, e.g. hanging out with friends. Indeed, yesterday evening, when my friends came to my place, I felt somewhat better. Every now and then, my crush would pop back into my mind, but the rest of the time, I was busy with conversing with my friends and watching them fool around. I felt especially exhilarated later in the night, when I was left alone with this one friend I really like, and we talked for two hours - it was one of the most gratifying conversations I've ever had.

    So, what would you suggest? Does the "fake it till you make it" technique work for you? Which activities distract you from depressing/unsettling thoughts most efficiently? Are you capable of simply telling yourself that you will no longer think about a crush and then successfully blocking them out (I think this would be quite impossible for me)?
     
  2. HTBO

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    I find that if I'm able to get into what I'm reading, researching, or writing, I can forget about my crush because I become so absorbed in what I'm doing. The problem is getting to that state and I wish I could offer you some advice. I just finished my first year of grad school and early during this year began have a crush, realized I was gay, and was distracted for most of the year. I don't know how many hours were wasted thinking about her rather than what I needed to do. I guess try something that will occupy your mind or really make you think.
     
  3. PatrickUK

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    How well do you actually know your crush? Is he someone you know quite well, or someone you're admiring from afar?

    What is it about your crush that you find so attractive? Is it his looks, his personality, his values... can you identify what it is you really like about him?

    Very often we project onto crushes a set of values and attributes that have no bearing on reality. We build these people up into something very special, but the only thing we actually know about them is that they are good looking. If looks is all we really/actually have to go on, that's a big leap. Do we really want to make a huge emotional investment in someone who is out of reach and might be a complete no-hoper of a person (beyond looks)?

    Distraction techniques may work up to a point, but what you really need to do is take a step back and try to be honest about your crush. Do you know him well enough to say that he is worth all of this confusion and distraction or is he just a pretty face that may have nothing else going for him? If you don't actually know him you are losing sense of perspective and may be building him up into the person you would like him to be, rather than the person he really is.

    I'm not saying your feelings are not real or genuine, but you may need to ask yourself what is real as opposed to what is fantasy.
     
  4. stella99

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    I can honestly say my crush is based on personality, ( that sounds unkind, but it just makes it harder). ive discovered I can distract myself easiest from thinking about her by being in company, not on my own. If I'm forced to interact with others it takes my mind off moping and missing her. If im on my own I just ruminate and get more depressed. Also, by being busy the time doesnt drag so much until you can see your crush again.
     
  5. FeketeHajnal789

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    Indeed - inertia from the previous state prevents you from getting there. There is often a great obstacle at the first step. If you do overcome it though, then it often flows smoothly.

    Yes, that's what I was thinking too. It's just that the things I'd already tried hadn't really worked and that I'm not sure what exactly to pick. It has to be something sufficiently engaging but something that doesn't require passive concentration (e.g. watching television, reading), because if it does, then my thoughts will immediately drift as I'm trying to think.

    ___________________________________________________________________________

    I don't know him extremely well - we are not close friends. I would call us amicable acquaintances. We generally have a proper encounter about once in three months. In the meantime, we have trivial encounters about once a week, Every now and then, we might even end up interacting a lot a few days in a row, e.g. last summer, we went out together quite a lot in the evenings. This summer though, we don't meet all - he now goes out with his own group of friends (previously, he would come along with his sister, who is otherwise my best friend). Furthermore, we aren't seeing each other at school and we are vacationing in different places at different times.

    Either way, I certainly wouldn't say that I've been admiring him from afar. I feel that I have spent sufficient time with him form a rather thorough idea of his character. The circumstances under which I have spent time with him have moreover been quite varied. Thus, all in all, I feel that I have analysed him sufficiently extensively (particularly after having thought about him for hours on end) and I don't feel him to be a stranger whatsoever. In fact, he is the only straight male that has more or less treated me as his peer and whom I've been able to perceive as my friend. All the other straight male peers I know have been sort of aloof with me, sometimes behaving very formally. My crush, however, is really relaxed and friendly around me. That brings me to the reasons as to why I like him.

    I find that I sort of like him in all respects. I am really fascinated by him - with some of my previous crushes, I've felt that I haven't really made the best "choice", but with this guy, I sort of feel honoured that I like him. I know that he's not perfect and that I have idealised him quite immensely, but even beyond that, I think he's an admirable person. I don't know what I'll think once I get over him, but I probably won't have a poor opinion of him (whereas I now consider two of my previous crushes complete idiots).

    To start off with the looks, I find him really sexy. When I evaluate him objectively, I wouldn't say that he has so many features that are typically considered attractive or that I'd find sexy in someone else (for example, he doesn't have ripped abs), but nonetheless, he seems like the most attractive boy that could exist. I know that this is silly, but either way - he certainly isn't unattractive. Many girls find him attractive as well. He's even nicknamed "player", or something such (I don't know how to translate the word in question properly).

    As far as his personality is concerned, I think that the main points of attraction lie here - I am drawn by his confidence, by his gregariousness, by his apparent competence/effectiveness/decisiveness, by his intelligence, by his overall nonchalance and upbeat disposition, by his sense of humour and light-hearted teasing (especially with an element of sarcasm), by his capacity to show sensitivity and understanding when appropriate, and so on (of course, as I perceive them). I am also enthralled by his apparent versatility - he has lots of friends (they are really very many and he makes them with ease- I don't think I've met anyone so socially successfully yet), he's popular among girls, he's an excellent student, he plays basketball, he goes to the gym, he plays the piano, etc. Finally, I am also attracted by the fact that he can be somewhat selfish and cold at times (e.g. when he dismisses some less popular students as losers that will be alone forever) - I think that when he acts this way, he establishes some air of superiority, which suggests dominance, which generally really attracts me, even though it's not considered typically "nice".

    As for values, I am not impressed by any particular moral or philosophical ideas he might have - in fact, he's not the type who preoccupies himself with such things. He's sort of carefree and doesn't analyse issues in terms of values. This is what I actually find attractive - the fact that he's not concerned or reserved about "properness" makes him seem more dominant in a way, and also more exciting. By the way, what he himself said to me in regard to his values is that he's a hedonist. He said he's selfish and added something along the lines of the best way to live life being seeking enjoyment and pleasure, without really giving a damn about others. I know that this assertion sounds objectionable, but I really like it for some reason. If it had come from any other person, I probably wouldn't have liked as much, but with him, it was sort of just the right thing I expected him to say when we started the discussion.

    I know that we tend to idealise crushes and this is certainly what I have been doing - the personality qualities I ascribe to him above are not fully verisimilar. However, I haven't just being idealising him mindlessly - I've simply been embellishing what I've already seen to be real to fit in with my feelings (for example, he's an excellent student because he gets good grades, but I've seen essays that he's written, and have found them suboptimal; likewise, although he plays the piano, he plays it a very basic level, so there's nothing particularly impressive about that - nevertheless, I have come to view his academic success and his piano playing as two traits that appeal to me in him and the fact that I rationally know they're not so awe-inspiring doesn't notably change the way I feel). Either way, I certainly haven't been only focusing on his looks. As I've said, I find him attractive, but I am attracted to so many other things about him as well.

    Anyway, even if I am idealising him unwisely, I am not willingly choosing to make emotional investments in him and I don't see how the realization that this isn't worth it could help me. The problem is not a rational one, but an emotional one. The only thing that would make me realize that he's not worth all the heartache would be falling out of love with him. I don't have control over that either.

    Hypothetically though, if we were to get close, I suspect that I would be disillusioned rather soon. I may feel that he's overly frivolous and inconsiderate at times. Also, I don't think we would be able to communicate properly. I find it very difficult to talk to people in general and most conversations I have are awkward or boring - I think this would turn out quite problematic with him as well. I enjoy talking to him greatly and we have had some rather entertaining conversations, but if we were to become closer friends, I think we would very soon exhaust conversation options and then deal with lots of awkward silences or some artificially contrived pseudo-discussions. Then again, I can't really know.

    Either way, bearing this in mind, I would say that my opinion on him is all in all somewhat unrealistic, albeit not completely. Even so, I can't help the way I feel and the way I idealise him (well, at least I don't think I can). I suppose I could try to block him out or even persuade myself that he's a disagreeable character, but that would make me feel terrible and even if I did try it, I think that as soon as something new involving him develops, be it a photograph, a conversation or a rendezvous, I will be captivated again.

    Anyway, let's suppose that I could dismiss him as unworthy by some means. In that case, I believe that I still wouldn't wish to do so. I think that even if he is unworthy in some way, I want to enjoy the fantasy. I sort of feel that this crush will be the peak of my love life (not that "love life" is an appropriate term) and that I should make the most of it in a way. If I just go to college at the end of next year and remain fully alone forever, with no friends let alone romantic partners, that would mean that I only have one year left to enjoy romantic sentiments properly - once I progress to my anticipated final phase of lifelong solitude, even if I do develop romantic interests again, they will be much less stimulating than my current crush, because then, I won't actually interact with the guy/man in question as I now do with this guy, I expect.

    Furthermore, I can't actually imagine myself having notable romantic interests later on. Without this teenage mayhem of emotions, I think that I won't really be so inclined. I imagine that my life will be rather dull and robotic - I will busy myself with things more akin to knitting scarves than romantic passions. I don't desire such a lifestyle, but I think that it will naturally develop nonetheless. Thus, while it still hasn't, I'd like to make the best of what comes my way, which is currently my crush. However, this doesn't mean that I want to suffer the pain of his unavailability. I just want to relish the way I did when, for example, I went to his house for four hours two months ago or when we celebrated New Year's together (well, sort of). What I felt the morning after is another matter, but still.

    ___________________________________________________________________________
    Yes, I've felt so too. I've also thought of something else - I find that finding something else to worry and get depressed over instead of the problem of the crush is very effective. For example, getting into a nasty argument with your mother may generate negative emotions sufficiently strong to displace the previous romantic ones. This isn't really an optimal solution, as it implies the generation of new conflicts, but at least those are less painful and pass more quickly.
     
    #5 FeketeHajnal789, Jul 26, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 26, 2014
  6. FeketeHajnal789

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    I have been thinking about some other methods of distracting oneself as well and I think that sleeping does a good job. Sleeping somehow tends to restore one to a more neutral mood, such that when one ultimately wakes up, one is more likely to be able to continue with one's regular life with less difficulty. Naturally, one should be careful to not start thinking about the problem again.

    Then again, sleeping can also aggravate the problem - one might actually end up dreaming about one's crush (this happened to me yesterday, during two different sleeps, in a way). Even if not, sleeping can actually intensify emotions. I know that after spending an evening with my crush, I feel with significantly more butterflies the following morning. I suppose that the amazement wears off and then the heartache remains.