1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Falling in love with friend, coming out and more

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by j y, Jul 26, 2014.

  1. j y

    j y
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2014
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Illinois
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    A few people
    A bit about myself
    Hi all. Sorry for the long post; I really appreciate the read and any advice you guys have to give. TL;DR at the bottom if you'd prefer.

    I decided to post in this forum since it's primarily about a relationship. I'm new here, so I hope this is the appropriate forum.

    I'm male, born and raised in Illinois, 20 years old in college, and only my two childhood best friends know I'm gay (both girls, both gay), but one I sort of had a falling out with for two years now, and the other I talk to once in a blue moon, so most of the time I'm basically fully in the closet.

    By the way, I identify as, for a lack of better terms, a gay bisexual. I started out totally gay- I felt it since elementary school and knew since middle school. But long story short, I got into porn, hated myself, tried forcing myself to masturbate to straight porn to change myself, and hated myself more. It sorta of worked- I became tolerant to it. So now I definitely prefer men (gay), but I could be with a woman too (bisexual). I just realized physical pleasure can come from anywhere, and ultimately a fulfilling relationship is more important than any physical taste I happen to have, and sexuality is more fluid than people would like to admit.

    The Story
    Anyway, there's this guy I think I"m falling in love with (My real name is James, let's call this guy Vince). I knew him since middle school, but he moved to a different high school (still same city so we're within 15 minutes of each other), and then a different college. I really didn't get to know him that well until this year, and it's kind of crazy how fast we got close. Went from distant acquaintances to seeing each other at least a couple times a week and talking or playing through an online game client (League of Legends) with our circle of friends almost daily this summer.

    The (somewhat expected) plot twist
    The thing is, he's straight. I know because one night we were having a lax conversation while drinking lightly. We got around to talking about dating and girls (me under a straight-guy facade). He was saying how he has a lot of issues, and he doesn't think he can date anyone when he can barely figure himself out. I told him I feel the same way (I do, or at least I did), and I jokingly said "Well if we're both single by the time we're 40 let's get a domestic partnership," and he laughed and replied, "Well I'm definitely not gay but hey, lower taxes" (which was OK with me, cause lower taxes and other legal benefits was part of my intention with the joke to begin with).

    If a straight-up statement weren't enough, one time, we were talking about this one guy who's not in our circle of friends, but came out to some of us as gay. He's open at his college in Michigan, but only to a few friends and definitely not his family back at home. Vince said, "I feel like these days it's not so bad to come out anymore." I immediately said, "It has gotten a lot better, but our generation has grown up seeing conditions improve, so even if things are probably OK if you come out, there's still that fear for some people buried from when they were younger." (Yes, I was secretly talking about me :icon_wink). So that comment also confirms that he indeed is straight because he doesn't empathize that well with what it's like to be gay.

    Our relationship
    Anyway, Vince goes to UIC, I go to UIUC. The bulk of our interaction has been playing League of Legends together. But this summer, we've had a lot more facetime, going to the gym, sleeping over (sometimes with other friends, sometimes just us), just drinking and talking, me visiting him at work at the mall, exchanging books, etc.

    I've only ever liked one other person before, a girl from my high school psych class (boy is that a messy story to tell one day). And the fact that I'm falling for him as hard, if not harder, is driving me insane, because of how rare it is for me to like someone, because he's straight, and because I'm not out of the closet. Triple whammy.

    We're pretty similar. Both laid back, similar interests, similar personality, but different enough to keep things interesting. I struggle with depression, he sort of does too but less so. I have the occasional can't-do-anything, sometimes suicidal experiences, he struggles more with apathy, in his words "I don't go looking for death but I wouldn't mind if I died." We're really comfortable with each other, although since we haven't really known each other this well for long, we have occasional bumps in our friendship (not arguments, just trouble reading each other and what we're comfortable doing or feeling. For instance, he's a bigger drinker than I am and used drugs in the past and smokes occasionally, I drink occasionally and have never done drugs aside from trying hookah once, and sometimes he'll feel worried about pressuring me to do things I don't want to even though he never does and I'll voice myself if I do feel uncomfortable).

    What I need advice on
    I tried cutting off my feelings, but that hasn't worked. I've tried distancing myself but occasionally he has problems and I don't want to make myself seem unavailable if he needs a friend. I decided I need to tell him how I feel so that I can move on (or by miracle he's open to it and we end up dating).

    There's a lot of problems:
    1. A girl in our friend group recently told him that she likes him. He said he likes her too. She lives in Cali and goes to U of I (she's on campus now for summer classes), so they only see each other occasionally. She asked him out basically, but he said he needed time to think because, as he told me in our conversation earlier, he said he has a lot of problems to figure out and he doesn't want to drag anyone else into them. That happened around July 4th; I found that out through the girl as she confided in me (I do care for both of them as friends), but I haven't asked what happened since because I didn't want to be nosy. It seems like they're still in that phase of basically liking/dating each other but not being official.

    SO I don't want to step on her toes nor do I want to lay more on Vince's plate than he already has.

    2. He's not gay for certain. When we've been tipsy, I've hugged/cuddled him a lot, he's jokingly initiated hand holding with me (which he does with our other friends), and one time he jokingly tried to pass me a mint by holding it between his teeth (I laughed and pushed him, my heart fluttering). But he's pretty laid back...I feel like if I were to tell him how I went from being gay to basically bisexual and how much I care for him, he MIGHT be open to actually be in a relationship with me. But that's probably just wishful thinking on my part...

    3. I don't want to ruin our friendship. I know he doesn't have anything against gays, but I'm worried that once he knows I'm bi AND that I like him, he won't let me be bromantic around him anymore (I'd stop to help myself get over him, then I'd continue- I hug a lot of my close guy and girl friends, not just him).

    4. I'm not out of the closet. I guess this isn't so much an immediate problem; I trust he's a good guy and I don't mind telling him (save the things I mentioned in point 3), but I guess liking him just reminds me how much it sucks not being able to come out. Tangent about why I haven't come out: I've grown up in the church. They're good people who I know would be accepting, but they still believe it's a sin and I'm not ready for that kind of attention yet. I myself am undecided in terms of my faith, so I don't know if I consider being gay wrong or not honestly. My non-church friends that I'm close to and care about would be supportive. Sometimes I think of working up the courage and coming out to everyone. But then I remember- my family. My mom is very loving and surprisingly laid back sometimes. But she's a traditional Christian- I don't think she believes in God very much but still retains a lot of values. When news comes on about legalizing gay rights, she comments how messed up the world is becoming. When I ask her why it's messed up, she just gives a vague answer of because of course it's wrong and the Bible says so. Hell when my brother announced he wanted to go to seminary my mom got pissed. If she got pissed about a job choice, I know she'll be 10x more pissed about my sexuality. Ultimately I think she would still love me and accept me, but it'd be a long long hurdle and I'm not ready for that. I think my dad would be disgusted and silently resentful, but I think he would still accept me too. My brother would still love me, but he's a super Christian thinks it's a sin. I think my sister would just straight up accept me- her best friend is gay and she's OK with it. So every time I feel like I can work up the courage to come out to my friends on campus, I remember I'm definitely not ready to confront my family, and I can't risk having word spread to them. Basically...I feel like I've mostly come to terms with myself being gay, and I just need to somehow prep myself to come out eventually. But sometimes when I imagine myself with a guy not just for a few years but for life, something feels very wrong about it, and I don't know if it's because I'd rather be with a girl and I think it's actually wrong, or because I've grown up hearing it's wrong. I know most of you will immediately say it's not wrong...but I don't know, it's just been hard figuring myself out especially because of my depression. I never know where to turn for long before feeling like anything I do is pointless and who I am doesn't matter in the end.

    I think I had more problems to address but I can't remember- I'll save it since you great folks have read so much already. :thumbsup:

    My solution
    There's a camping trip our group of friends is planning to do in early August. I decided that I don't want to risk ruining my friendship- either with the girl or with Vince- for at least the summer and make some more good memories with them before things get busy at school.

    So I think I will tell him either before I leave for U of I, or the first break that I have to go home (like Labor Day or Thanksgiving). I figure by then he'll have figured out his relationship thing with the girl, and if he hasn't I'll tell him anyway, but without pressuring him to consider dating me and only telling him so I can get over him.

    Questions for you guys
    1. Does my decision seem reasonable?
    2. Am I waiting too long to tell him?
    3. Exactly how wishful is my thinking that he would even consider dating me...not that you guys know him that well but I sadly have to admit it's probably much less likely than I'd like to entertain.
    4. Thoughts about me coming out in general, apart from my relationship issue?
    5. Do you think it will affect my friendship with him?
    6. How do I get over someone? I got over the girl I liked in high school, because some events happened and I realized she wasn't exactly the kind of person I thought she was. I don't know how I'll get over Vince.

    Thanks, and here's the TL;DR

    I like one of my friends. I've barely known him for years, but this summer we've gotten really close, and I think we consider each other one of each other's best friends. I'm starting to fall hard for him, but I know he's straight. A girl in our circle of friends also recently told him she liked him; he said he likes her too, and they're acting like a couple whenever they're together, but he said he has to think about it because he has a lot of problems and doesn't want to drag anyone into them.

    I don't want ruin my friendship with him, nor do I want to step on the girl's toes, nor do I want to put more relationship stress on him, but I do want to tell him.

    I am thinking of waiting until before I leave for college (we're both gonna be juniors) to tell him so that I don't potentially ruin the summer hangouts we're having and to give him and the girl time to figure things out.

    I identify as gay bisexual because I physically prefer men, but don't mind women's bodies either, and ultimately I seek relationship fulfillment over physical taste. I started out as completely gay, and became bisexual. He's a really laid back guy, and I feel like if I explain to him that sex is just sex but a good relationship is priceless, he might be open to dating me. But that's probably wishful thinking.

    Anyway, see the above questions!

    Thank you guys so much.
     
  2. scub

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2014
    Messages:
    104
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    i would not tell him you have feelings for him, at least not yet, because lets face it, there is a chance he might distance himself. what i would do is tell him you're bi/gay first and see how he reacts to that.. remember, you said he was str8 so i think you are in fantasy land if you think a str8 guy is just going to start dating you, because why, he's depressed?.. it is wishful thinking, you said it yourself.. and even if you do tell him how you feel, how is that going to help you? the feelings are still going to be there and you won't able to do anything with them except keep them inside, so why bother telling him? it would be much better to just tell him your sexuality and hope you can remain good friend and maybe even get closer to understand him more. IMO this is your only option at this point, other than cutting out his life completely to stop the feelings from getting any worse, because i guarantee they most likely will get stronger.

    GL
     
  3. julianne

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 17, 2014
    Messages:
    20
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Eastern Canada
    I agree with what scub said! In my opinion it's best to come out to him first so it's not so much of a shock when you tell him that you like him :slight_smile: here's my reasoning:

    I was in love with my best friend for over a year. When I first started developing feelings for her, she thought she was 100% straight and I knew I wasn't, but I hadn't really come out to anyone. I was really frustrated by my feelings, especially since she was straight, so I tried to forget about them. A few months later, we got talking about sexuality and she told me she thought she was probably gay, and I came out to her as well. But after that, I still didn't know if she liked me as well, so I tried to drop some hints, but didn't say anything. It was months later when she finally realized that she had been in love with me for most of that year, but hadn't realized it. Even after that, it was a month before either of us made a move. We're happily dating now :slight_smile:

    The point of that was to tell you that these things don't happen overnight! If I had sprung my feelings on my girlfriend as soon as they started, she would have been completely shocked and it could have really damaged our friendship.

    I'd recommend starting with small steps. Coming out to him first is definitely a great one! After that, you can see where things go from there. That way, if you do decide to tell him your feelings, it won't be as much of a surprise.

    I know how frustrating your situation is and I wish you the best!
     
  4. j y

    j y
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2014
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Illinois
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thanks for the kind words of support! I think I might come out to him before the summer's up, and then tell him I like him over Thanksgiving break or something