My Straight Bf ask permission to have GF now..

Based on the information you've given me, I don't think he can truly love you as "the one". You can't really accept that he has needs as a man therefore, he must have a girlfriend. Considering he wants you too, I think that he's more interested in polygamy...

What strikes me as really odd though is the fact that he's not supportive of you finding someone else. It's pretty hypocritical of him to want to find someone else other than you but restricting you at the same time. Unless you're interested in polygamy too and your boyfriend accepts it, I'd think about whether your relationship with him is worth your emotional investment since if he does have a girlfriend and falls in love with her, he could cut you off and you would be really hurt. It's really up to you though whether you think this relationship is worth your potential pain.

Hope everything goes well!

 

Hi there.
I partly understand your bf's needs because I am pretty much the same - I have a male partner but I'm also looking for a girlfriend. I think the reason is that I tend to have completely different feelings for guys and girls and they are fulfilling completely different needs of mine, but the monogamy was never my thing anyway. Overall, I think polyamory is not nessesarily bad thing and that it can be healthy and rewarding setting as well, but ALL parties involved have to be completely comfortable with that. In your case, I don't think your partner is treating you fair and I'd be careful in investing at him.

Firstly, I think of it as rather confusing that you say he is straight and yet in a long-term relationship with you?... I mean, why the heck would he want to date someone of gender that he is not attracted to? I have to agree with Chip, that's highly possible that he's gay or bisexual, but with internalised homophobia/denial thing going on and that he needs a girlfriend to assure himself with being 'straight'. That doesn't seem like a healthy behaviour at all, it's just like running from his identity. That being said, it's also possible (tho far less possible, I would say) that he is indeed straight and the feelings he has for you are being more platonic than sexual/romantic, therefore he doesn't feel fulfilled on a sexual/romantic level with you and needs a girlfriend for that, but then getting him a girlfriend has a certain risk that being naturally more inclined to have romantic/sexual pasion for women, he'll be able to connect to her more than to you and that you'll become reduntant for him. It's not certain that it would happen, but I can see the possibility it might, even if he doesn't want it to happen now, because feelings can be unpredictable when it comes to romance. Perhaps if he feels he loves you and is missing out only on sexual/social aspect of seeing a woman the less risky would be an open relationship, when he sees women but isn't in a long term relationship with anyone but you, so this way he wouldn't become attached to any woman too much. I don't know.

I'm also kinda confused on what a nature of this relationship with him is, I mean you wrote you 'asked him to be single' after he broke up with his girlfriend (like you didn't consider relation between you two a proper relationship back then), but then you refer to him as a partner and you say your relationship is 'official' to his family. It seems you are with this man on very unclear rules and that is never a good thing, imo.

Is the reason that he wants a girlfriend mainly because he feels bad being different from his friends? If that so, I think the version about him being secretly gay and wanting a girl just to cover this up is getting more probable. Then it wouldn't be fair not only for you, but to this potential girl also.

If we're talking about nature of a straight or bisexual man? It's likely true. I tend to feel that myself too, but that's not important. The thing is, you don't have to agree to anything that makes you uncomfortable just because he has certain needs he cannot fulfill. Sacrificing for a partner specific needs is good as long as it goes both ways. While it can be true that having needs that can be fulfilled only by females lies in his nature, it is also true that expecting exclusiveness in a relationship is a natural need of many people and it might lie in your nature. Romantic jealousy is a very strong feeling, deeply rooted in our instincts, and strenghten by our upbringing in society when monogamous relationship are often portreyed as the only proper relationships; not everyone is able to get over jealousy and be happy in not-monogamous setting so he cannot just expect you'll give up your own needs to satisfy his. Being in relationship is often about making compromises, like you give up on part of your demands so both people could be as happy as possible. I don't see him trying to find compromise (allowing you to see other people as well could be a form of compromise), he is just trying to force his way without much consideration to your feelings about it.

Well, I'm certainly sure that he feels strong attachment to you because otherwsie I cannot find any reason why would a straight person/a person who doesnt feel fulfilled or satisfied with a gay relationship go to lenghts in maintaining it instead of ending it. But I'm not really sure that what he feels is indeed 'love'. The way I see it, loving partners respect and care about their partner's needs and he seems to put up his needs ahead of yours. Last sentence you wrote sounds like he was implying that he is getting his own way with it regardless if you agreed to it or not and that's not how love is supposed to look at all. Even if he means no harm, he seems somewhat self-centered and I suppose his attachment to you may be a bit immature.

I find it really egoistic and unfair. Why doesn't he think you deserve the same priviledges he demands? Seeing that every relationship needs time, having a girlfriend will certainly cause him to have less time for you than he had. It seems only fair to me if you get to find someone to fill that hole as well if you feel the need to. It's another sign he puts his needs ahead of yours and that he objectifies you a bit; he is allowed more freedom than you are, he can try and experiment with other people while you are chained to him and he doesn't seem to care if you'd be feeling lonely in such setting at all.

It's okay to feel confused, it seems that the situation is pretty unclear. Just give yourself the time. Think about what you are able to give up for him and what would make you too unhappy to. Don't agree to anything that makes you uncomfortable. If he cannot respect your boundaries, perhaps he is not worth it. Ending a two year relationship can be hard, but it's sometimes lesser evil than being constantly hurt, if you decide that what he asks you for is too much for you. He seems pretty confused about his sexuality and priorities and perhaps just not ready for full commitment at this stage. I'm sure there are plenty of guys that can be with you as their 'one and only', if you decide that's what you desire.

I hope everything goes well.

 

Well... first off, I'm not one to judge how people identify. If he is comfortable calling himself straight, then that is fine. But it sounds like he is bi or gay. Either he is attracted to men and women or if he is just attracted to men, girls are a cover up for him. But it does sound like he hasn't figured out his sexuality yet. You should figure out if you are comfortable with him having a gf as well and whether you think it will change yall's relationship. I may be best if he has space to figure out his sexuality. Maybe you guys should have a talk about his attractions and how he views his sexuality and what he needs in life? All the serious stuff. Then you will know if you need to move on or if yall can make it work.

 

Honey, 1st off your BF is NOT straight.He's gay,and he needs to accept that.2ndly get yourself another man

 

That guy is probably either bi or gay . And is having a hard time accepting that he's attracted to men , he needs to learn self acceptance .

 

Hi there, and welcome to EC.

I'm a little confused by your post as well. You describe yourself in your profile as a 'discreet gay' but you say that your relationship is known and accepted by his family. Do they know that you are a couple? Or do they think you are just friends? What happens when he brings a girlfriend home? Aren't his parents going to think it is odd? Do his friends know about you? Or are you his secret?

It seems to me that he wants 2 sets of rules - one for him and one for you. And that isn't fair. If he can have a second partner in his life, why can't you? What are you supposed to do when he is out with his girlfriend? Sit at home alone?

I tend to agree with Chip - that you might be better off looking for someone who is more mature and can commit to a relationship with you, and only you.