(Cliche) In love with friend

Okay, it's really awkward for me to ask strangers online for advice,
especially about something that is so deep and personal… but I'm not out to
anyone but a single friend, and this is about him. I have fallen in love.
Not a crush, not an infatuation, but completely, head over heels in love
for my friend. The good news is, he's bi. I couldn't imagine the sheer
torment of having these feelings for someone who could never reciprocate
them. The bad news, he has absolutely no idea how I feel for him, and, if
he did, I don't know how he'd react.

Because this is going to turn into a big, ongoing rant, I'll give a lot of
background. We have known each other for years at school, but we never
really became close; to him, I was the creepy Christian kid, to me, he was
just some cardboard cut-out perfect student, good at academia, sport and
culture, but with no depth whatsoever. He was right, I suppose, but I was
dead wrong. A few months ago, we went on a school trip together, and
something just clicked for us. After about two days together, we became
really close friends. Within the week, I'd fallen for him, but I could
hardly admit this to myself, let alone to other people.

I discovered that he was an amazingly deep, magnetic person. I discovered
that his eyes were the colour of wood in dappled sunlight. I discovered
that his smile could melt ice. I discovered that his hands were softer than
velvet. We were together every night, for dinner, then karaoke, then just
talking in his room. Every time we were together, my head was spinning. I
didn't think these feelings were possible, certainly not for feeling them
for another guy. But, for good or for ill, I was in love with him.

When he got back home, I got Facebook just to be able to talk with him. We
have talked every single night for months, for at least two hours a night.
We are inseparable at school; he's out to his friends, but most people have
suspicions that he's gay. Needless to say, a lot of jokes are thrown at me
about what a great couple we make. Sigh. I wish.

A couple of weeks into our friendship, he told me about how he'd broken up
with his boyfriend. They had something that I feel so jealous of, but the
boyfriend had been too clingy, and had massive issues with depression and
self-harm. My friend did all he could to make it work, he really did, but
then it was impacting on him too much, and he had to break it off. He had
been hesitant to tell me, because he knew I was Christian (though I never
talked about sexuality), but when he did, I became his closest confidante,
a friend to talk to, a shoulder to cry on. It pained me so much to give him
the right advice, not just the advice that would bring me closer to him,
and for a few weeks my biggest fear was that he would get back together
with his ex. That ship has sailed now, thank God.

I have absolutely no idea how I lived without him now. I managed to stutter
out my two biggest secrets to him, one of those being that I was bisexual.
He is completely understanding, but, more than that, he actually helps me.
Putting his advice into action is like washing away the dirt with clean,
fresh water. He is always so critical of himself, but I can hardly see any
of his flaws. To me, he is absolutely perfect, inside and out.

That's most of the backstory done, I think. I'm in love with him, I can
admit that now, but I don't just don't know what else to do. There is a
spark between us, that is just impossible to deny, but my friend just isn't
very good at picking up the more subtle hints. I'll give some examples.
Once, we were on a three hour bus trip, and I fell asleep. I woke up to
find him leaning on my chest. It is one the greatest feelings I have ever
had. My lips were on the back of his neck, and I had never before felt so
good. He smelt so good, felt so good. We sort of moulded together on that
trip. One of my most treasured possessions is a photo that a friend took of
us to be mean; it is of me with my head on his shoulder. When we woke up,
he admitted to me that he hadn't actually been asleep that whole time, but
that it had just felt really good. We talked about it a couple of weeks
later, and he said that the best part of the trip had been having me fall
asleep on him.

On Friday, we were listening to one of our favourite bands, singing their
saddest, most romantic song about unrequited love. It is a song I feel very
strongly empathetic with! For about four minutes, as we mouthed the words,
our eyes were just locked lovingly. I cannot describe the feeling; we just
couldn't see anything beyond each other. There have been so many little
moments like this, little smiles, shared glances, a little comment. I might
be reading too much into it, but I can't help myself!

He is just the most wonderful person in the whole world. I cannot think of
any reason why he would want to be with me, but I just can't stop thinking
about him. I need advice. What should I do? Do I tell him how I feel? I
could not bear to jeopardise this friendship; I don't know how I lived
without it. But it's just killing me to keep the way I feel from him.

 

Thank for your responses. They are very kind of you. I do love him, so much. Today in class we did that thing where each person tries to stare at the other without making eye contact. It would be so easy for me to tell him how I feel, but I honestly don't know how I could live without his friendship now... I hope that I'll have the courage to tell him how I feel...

He is just such a beautiful, unique guy. His friends are being really shitty to him at the moment, and his ex boyfriend is messing with his head, so he's in a bad space emotionally at the moment. But we had a really long chat this afternoon, which was mostly me just telling him how awesome I thought he was. He only ever sees the good in other people, even if they've hurt him a thousand times, and I just want him to show a little bit of that forgiving attitude to himself. I want him to see the person I see, beautiful, smart, funny, amazing! But every time he comes close, something bad happens that just messes with his self esteem. He really shouldn't be in this world; he is one of those unique souls that bruise as easily as a rose. I just shrug off criticism. He takes it all to heart.

 

Thank you Mane92! Your sentiments really do mean a lot. We are already pretty close physically (pure torture, pure rapture), and we talk about everything... Sigh, this is the one thing that I can't (well, won't) tell him. He really is just a gem of a guy, I swear.

 

Do you guys know that Fleetwood Mac song 'Everywhere'. That is seriously the soundtrack to my feelings at the moment... I'm so in love with him, and it is so obvious! I really do want to be with him everywhere. "Something's happening, happening to me, my friends say I'm acting peculiarly" My friends aren't the most intuitive people, not by a long shot, but they keep asking me about him, why I like him so much, why I'm always hanging around him; they even notice that I stare at him. And yet the guy himself is completely oblivious... I stare at him for the entirety of our only lesson together, and he doesn't notice. I constantly drop everything to be close to him; he doesn't notice. I even flirt, which is something that I have never done, and he still doesn't notice.

I'm chatting with him on Facebook right now. I just get a knot in my stomach when I do; it's probably my favorite part of the day! I would love to tell him, I really would... But losing this would kill me, losing HIM would kill me, it really would.

 

Update: We had a big night on Facebook last night. He was talking with his ex boyfriend yesterday. His ex has been having issues with depression and self harm again (after sending a bunch of gloating messages to my friend about how great his life is now), and, my friend, being a beautiful, caring person, reached out to him, tried to comfort him. Well his ex just spat in his face and started making all sorts of accusations about why my friend ended it. Grrrrrrr. Anyway, I stepped in, and tried to be the best friend that I could. I told him that his ex had never deserved him, that he was an amazing, kind, beautiful person. I just wish I had the courage to tell him how I feel! He's so brave, I'm just being a coward about things.

Oh, he isn't slow on the uptake at all. But he has said that he has a bad intuition for telling when people like him romantically. I'm already in love with him, that's the thing... I would be so happy to just be friends, but that ship sailed a long time ago... My feelings are so intense, that to be just friends would be like a puddle besides the ocean.

Oh, he's the only person in the world that I'm out to... He has really been a blessing for me. I've thought about asking the theoretical question, but... It doesn't seem to have much tact, does it?

Thank you, Crazy Azeotrope. I always express myself much better in writing... It's the only way I can express what I really feel. Our experiences have a lot of parallels, which gives me a bit of confidence that everything will work in the end. I'm going to try, I know that now. He's still a bit bruised over his other relationship, but other people are already trying to set him up.

I just wonder what would be the best way to approach it... I'm much better in writing, that would be the best way to show my true feelings, but I could just try and be casual about it. I just don't know what to do... So many possibilities! One thing is absolutely for sure... I love him.

 

Thank you everyone for your advice; I appreciate it so much.

I am going to tell him. I think that our friendship is strong enough to withstand anything, even if he doesn't feel the same way about me. I'm resolved; he will know how I feel for him by next month. The reason I say next month is because we're going to see one of his favorite musicians live. I think that would be a beautiful place to be open to him about how I feel. If anyone has another idea for how to tell him or what to say, I'm all ears. It would probably be simpler just telling him online, and much less awkward for me, but I just don't know.

Every time I look at him I just want to lean over and kiss him. He gives me such joy to be around, if I tell him this he will have me, heart and soul. And if he doesn't feel the same way... Well, it will be a lot better just to have any opportunity ended than to just play cat and mouse. Thanks again everyone!

 

Well, obviously falling into each others arms would be the ideal situation...

 

Wow. I just had a pretty big night. My crush was a bit sad, some if his friends have been behaving abominably towards him, so at first it was just me comforting him, telling him that they don't deserve him. He started talking about how he's feeling some odd conflicting feelings that he can't describe. I ask him if he has a crush. He says that he does, than asks me if I do. I reply that I do indeed.

Well folks, I spent the next four hours telling him how I felt. Except he doesn't know it's about him, haha. He is the most beautiful person in the world. The most amazing person in the world. But he is so freaking oblivious! I don't know whether to laugh or cry, so last night I did both. He tells me that I should offer subtle hints. I say that I do, but the guy doesn't pick up on it. He then says, how can you be sure? I almost slap myself in frustration. He really does not know, haha. This is fast turning into a tragicomedy.