What should I think about my bestfriend?

Hi everyone! English is not my native language, so you could possible find some grammar mistakes here. Sorry about that! Don't doubt in telling me the mistakes, I like to improve my english!

Well, here is my story:
My bestfriend and I have been getting closer and closer. We trust each other really well.
Suddenly I have been feeling some things about him. I have never felt thing like that for somebody before and I even never think I could get attracted to a man. I don't know how or when but I have a really hard attraction to him. I consider myself bisexual now but I'm not out to anyone. I think that I don't need to come out to anyone yet because I never think that sexual orientation should be that important, it's just love and sex.

Well, the friendship between us is really weird sometimes, and I don't really know if this is normal or not. He defines himself as straight but I got my doubts about it. I think he must be bisexual because some hints I have been getting from the beginning of our friendship. He is always single, as me. He had some affairs with some girls but as long as I know he never gets in a deep relationship with them or serious sex. He always seems to think that they are not the right one.

In the past, he got a really hard bullying problems because his friends start to call him faggot and they even stop to talk to him because of this. Then, he told me that before this he went to his friend's house every weekend, watch porn a lot and end every night jerking off there (I don't know how private they got there).
The one weird thing about this is that my friend blames the parents of his friend for the bullying issue because they even start to tell the guys of his school to never got closer to him because he is a faggot. I don't know what to think about this, because I don't think that a normal parents start a bullying issue to his son's bestfriend so easily. So, I think maybe one day he found them jerking off (or doing something more?) in his son's rooms and they freaked out. Although I give all my support to my friend in this matter I find really strage that everybody got that hard about him and stop talking to him because my friend is a really friendly person. After this, he have say some homophobic comments about gays: "that's not normal, not natural" and even one friend who don't know his bullying issue thinks he is gay becuase his fear to gay things are not normal for a straight person who is confidence on his sexual orientation. He got really defensive that day.

We both are a really sexual people and when we are together we talk about sex all day but we don't with other people. It's like we are so frustrated about sex that we feel a relieve to talk about it with somebody. We get into the matter so deep that he even says the size of his dick (I find that really private, I don't know if I'm the only one) and we share with eachother other sexual details as how or when we masturbate, how much precum we got and it's a really long list about this that I don't think normal bestfriend share. It's like we got a sexual tension between us because of how frustrated we feel about it with other people. We always tell eachother jokes about how he would suck my dick, how I would suck him, how big is our dicks and how deep they could get in our throat, or how hard we would fuck. I know normal people tell sexual jokes with their friends, but we only tell this kind of jokes between us.

Once he told that he tried to put his finger in his asshole to know what it feels; but it hurt a little, so he gave up. That's not straight at all. Other hint is he have jerked off watching himself in a mirror because he found his body really hot. I told him really quickly: “But...if you watch yourself in a mirror and get turned on, it's like you watch a boy, so...”. He got really defensive and told: “It's not like that, I get turned on because I find myself hot, I turned on by own body”. I totally find this really weird, if you like women you would not find your own ass atractive with all that hair, and not even mention about how different your dick looks like to vagina. Also he always says if he find atractive or handsome some guy.

The last past months we were getting physically closer. We never touch eachother before, but when we went to a cinema with friends, and I was wearing pants which shows my knees and he suddenly start to touch me there in a funny manner but in a sexual way. Then I touch him in his arm nad his back as game. I feel tension that day, it's not normal between us doing that kind of things. It feels like we were flirting. Then, if we are sitting near eachother we leave our legs together. Maybe that sounds stupid because hell yeah it's just a simple touching between legs but I don't find that normal between us. Also, that day I sent him a photo of my underwear between my legs because we watched in the film a funny scene doing that, but I got my pans on when I took the picture (the underwear was just a clean one), so I was not naked. The day before he just reply "oh god, dude! that picture! hahaha". and he though I was naked in the picture. I deleted the photo because I didn't want somebody find it because it totally seemed like I was naked, but he still got it in his phone, and he even showed me he got it.

One day, when we were in the college, I understand him saying to me: “Do you love me??”. I didn't hear it clearly but I get really shocked in the moment and I tried to act normal. After this, some night later I texted him that I never tell to my friend that I love them but he deserved so I tell him that I love him. He find this cute and that's all. Although we got those little cute moments I don't think he feels comfortable about it, and I think sometimes I'm only making bad assumptions about our friendship taking other level. Other time, we were a little bit drunk and we started to talk about bodies and I said that I don't feel confidence about mine, and then he whisper near to my ear meanwhile touching my shoulder: “Don't worry, you're really great”.
As I said before, when we were in the same class (but another day) he told me: “I know you wanna fuck me, you just want sex with me”. I felt really awkward that I could only say: “For god shake! You're disgusting!” and then laughed. Once we were talking about how we jerk off and he covered his crotch the more deeper the conversation got; maybe he was hiding a boner because the converstion was getting hotter and exciting??

In another time, I told to him that one friend of mine who was straight turns gay, and he have been having sex without love with other guy that he met in his job for really long time. I have never expected them to have gay sex. I told my bestfriend that I find that so exciting because all the sex they got without problems. He was at the beggining saying things like “oh that's disgusting, are they gay? Seriously?”, but I acted very normal about that relationship of my friend and I say that I only got shocked because I never expect them fuck eachother and that must be fun because they reliave streess with sex. I repeat that part all the time. And at the end of all, I understand him saying as mistake: “wow, how great”. How great???

He told me he made out some years ago with a girl who is his friend while being drunk. He said that their personalities are totally siminal and the girl thinks he is hot and if she had not a boyfriend right now she would like him being her boyfriend. I find normal that the made out some years ago but I don't find normal if she have a boyfriend... how could they (my bestfriend and she) go to a trip for a week alone even knowing she find him atracttive? I told to him how could it be that her boyfriend never get jealousy about him. He told me: “Well, she knows we would never get more than because she knows...” and suddlely stoped and said quickly “Well, she knows that would never happen again”. What should I think?

I know this is a long post but I don't know what to think about my friend and he drives me crazy. I get really confused about us, also he told me that I'm the only who he speaks daily but I don't think he find me that special because he really have a lot of friends and sometimes he seems distant to me, although I think he is like that with everybody. Ah! And he start taking guitar lesson with me because he want to sing with me this summer.

What do you think guys? Furthermore, we are planning to travel together about 3 weeks to England because we want to learn more english (his english is not as well as mine because he is from other country and there the english is not that hard in schools as here; my english is not that good either). So, we will spend a month alone. I don't want to even imagine how closer we could get :lol: .

 

anyone? I know it's a long post with a lot of grammar mistakes but I just want some advice :icon_sad:

 

I don't think coming out to him is a good idea because he must be feel uncomfortable with me after that, but I have been talking with him about some lgbt issues and he find really stupid gay people could not adopt in some countries, so he is not that homophobic as he seems when some topics come out when people are around.
And we don't make gay jokes as homophobics comments, that's what I find weird. It's more as sexual tension. :eusa_doh: Or maybe not, I don't know.

And yes! we talk about girls a lot and some weeks ago we start to talk about guys too. But we don't talk like "oh yeah, I like that boy" it's more like "yeah Steve is really handsome he got beautiful eyes and his nose is really pretty". We even were talking about a famous actor and I told him that actor is not that handsome. Then he said he find that actor more attractive than handsome. So, I don't know again.

---------- Post added 6th Aug 2014 at 05:50 PM ----------

Yeah! I though he could suspect the same about me because our actions are not normal. He even tell me some weeks ago "oh you got a lot of bisexual friends" and I just shut my mouth up because I didn't know what to say and I think the silent could make him conclude some things :eusa_doh: because it feels a little bit uncomfortable but I don't know what he could think.

We have been talking about some topics about depression and this kind of things (you know, things that you would only talk with your bestfriend) and I have been really honest with him, he is really suportive and he always give me nice advice, but I find that he is a little bit distant with me sometimes... maybe he is scared to get more closer to me in our friendship? :eusa_doh:

Also, I have wrote him a letter thanking him for all the help he gives me and when he was reading I notice that he was trembling (just a little), I thought he could think I was going to coming out to him or something like this... (I wrote a lot of :icon_redf shits), so we're really close but it's just sometimes I don't know what he thinks.

Thanks for your advice!

 

any suggestion? -.-

This week he's in a trip with his family and I have told him I totally miss him and thank him for the all help he always give me, but he didn't answer me yet...
I think he's not that into to me although I think he maybe is busy in the trip and because of that he has no time to answer me... but he keeps updating his websites with photos of the trip, so I don't know what to think about this...

 

could somebody please give some advice? :icon_sad:

He replied my messages this morning but he ignores everything I said about missing him or how helpful he is to me and he just said random things about the trip. I told him "I'm more excited about going to England because I'll see you again than the fact I'll go to England" (I don't know if that make sense), and he just ignored totally that.Then I tried to talk to him when he was still online, and he kept going online and offline without answering me, even uploaded a photo in her profile. I don't know if I'm selfish about our friendship and making all the time bad assumation or he is the one acting distant (or bad) to me. What do you think? He sometimes make this kind of things to me :icon_sad:

Also something really bad happens to my family I just told him I'll tell when we meet again (because I don't want to ruin his vacance with his family)....But again he just ignored me.

This will make me crazy...:icon_sad: Sometimes I feel like I can trust him more than a normal bestfriend and even think he is into me or I'm special for him, but other times I just don't know. Maybe I should just give up this love for him :eusa_doh::icon_sad::bang: is maybe a love delusion?

---------- Post added 14th Aug 2014 at 01:31 AM ----------

I'm really scared because I'm just realizing that I do need him more than he would ever need me... I hope I'm wrong... :icon_sad:

 

Thank you so much! I really appreciate your comment because this is driving me crazy :eusa_doh:

We normally have these "meaningful" conversations via message, but then we talk about everything in person. And it's a really good idea what you told me! I'll wait until I see him to say these kind of things!

Thanks again! :icon_bigg

 

Well he is still on the trip with his family and he replied my message after 3 o 4 days... I have told him some plans we could do in England (take some train to see other places) but he told me he don't know if we could do it because maybe he has other things to do (because he will be living with a family and I will be living alone in a residence). I feel like he is not feeling the same excitement as me and that makes me sad.

Oh! and he wrote in his message: "how are you going over there? watching all day long brazzers (a straight porn site), right?".

I just want to tell him how I miss him and how happy I feel because of our trip to England...but... I don't if he feels like me...

Also I'm feeling theses days really depressed with anxiety and I want to talk with him abot it but I don't want to ruin his vacance...

I don't know what to do or what to think, seriously. I'm overthinking.

 

Thanks man! I really apreciate your comment! I had been reading your thread and you're really inspiranting!

Okay! I'll stop thinking about all the depression stuff and how much I miss him and just be nice to him, also I will not overthink about the replies.

I'll revaluate all our friendship from how he acts these 4 weeks (I put 3, but indeed it'll be 4 weeks!) but I'm scared he changes the way he treats me or something (he's a really nice friend so I don't think that could happen but you never know...) becasuse I'll try to push things a little bit, just to see if this is real or not (more touchy feely maybe? Any advice??). But...I still don't know if our attraction is real or not. I'll try to bring some private topics too(sexual and not sexuals, depression and stuff as we always do) when we are alone and from there I'll see how things turn.

Thanks for the advice! And please don't hesite to comment! I'll like to know any point of view.:icon_wink:icon_bigg

Oh! I have read my first post and I had A LOT of GRAMMAR MISTAKES! SORRY ABOUT THAT!:eusa_doh: :icon_redf

 

Thanks WhiteShadows for your compliment! Talking in other languages is really exhausting! English is not the most difficult one but I have to practice more! Thanks user123456 too! I really aprecciate all your advice!

Well, I'll try to bring some topics about LGBT, I have been thinking to talk about some pansexual topics (about how people could get attracted to the same gender but not labeling themself as homosexuals, or about how people could be more attracted sexually and romantically to differents genders) and maybe he would not feel too much pressure about homosexuality in general because of the bullying he had experimented.

But what I don't know how to do it in general is how to get more touchy feely, because I'm a really...I don't know how to say it... but I'm not normally a too affective person. I'm a really cold one, I always feel a little bit awkward when I try to touch somebody. Well, the day I gave him the letter we hugged about three times and he was all the time saying how much he appreciated my letter but I think I was the one how ended the hug first because I felt totally awkward. However, perhaps it's not that difficult and it feels good.

I also remembered one time he said he just watch porn where it has to appeared boys and girls, he don't like it when in the scene the girls are alone. He said something like: "I turn on when the people at the scene are hot, if they are not I don't like it, I don't usually watch lesbian's porn because I can't see myself as one of the scene, it has to appeared a dick". I find that really weird because when I was younger and I don't see myself as bisexual and was in denial with myself I always thought: "well, you don't watch lesbian's porn usually because you like boys more than girls", and then I thought the same as my friend. So...what do you think? And what about the mirror issue he told me? It's really weird jerking off watching yourself if you don't boys, What do you think? Is more narcissism??

:icon_bigg And again, thanks! All these replies really helps me, if I have never wrote the thread here I would be sending him some message about how much I miss him or something like that, so thanks for advicing me about not doing it! (!)

 

I miss him so much, I just want to tell him I miss him Should I wait until see him?

:eusa_doh: He sent me a message today, and as I can see he didn't to his other friends

I don't know if he could ever have the same feeling I get :icon_sad::eusa_doh:

 

Thanks for your advice! ^^ I talk to him today and he is fine, I think he doesn't miss me as much I do, so I start to think in giving up my expectation about us. He has not ever mention any plans he wants to do with me there or anything like that, it's like he wants only make new friends. Maybe I overthink about it and he just thinks he doesn't need to tell me how much he misses me or he wants to do things with me.
I said to him I was feeling a little bit depressed these days and I have to tell him in person the bad thing that happened in my family and I said other random things about studies (the relationship between my parents is almost broke although they seems good sometimes). With all of these things my anxiatiy increase a lot, and I feel my health is totally out of control. I'm losing a lot of hair. So, I feel to really need him. I'm a little bit selfsish, right? Well, when I write those things here I realize a little bit that his behaviors is not as much I think. I'm really overthinking about he is into me, right?

Thanks again