Being Forever Alone

Since I was about 10-11 years old, I have known with relative certainty that I would be forever alone when it comes to romantic and sexual partners, and I was more or less fine with that - my interests were directed elsewhere, I think. However, since last summer (or somewhere around that time), I have begun to view the matter very differently - it has all thundered down on me and I feel horrible. I feel like my blood is boiling - like I want to rip myself out of my skin.

It's not so much that I want to have a romantic/sexual partner, but that I feel that I need to anyway. I think that society has indoctrinated me into the idea that having a romantic/sexual partner is some sort of confirmation of the worth of an individual, particularly if you are a male (because of the stereotypical male gender role, suggesting that males are "conquerors" or "predators") and I now feel like a complete failure/loser, bearing in mind the idea that I will never have anyone.

Rationally, I don't really mind it - I'm an unsociable person and I'm sort of self-sufficient. I also don't believe that there's anything inherently wrong with not having anyone, so I don't have anything against others who are forever alone. However, emotionally, I am in frightful turmoil. I think that the need to find a partner is the strongest need that I've ever felt and it's becoming unbearable. I don't know why it started now - possibly because I fell in love or possibly because I grew older and felt that now I was actually really late. Previously, when I was 13-14, it didn't matter, as I sort of still had much time ahead of me, regardless of the fact that I had no hope, but now I feel that I'm terribly falling behind (I know that many have their first partners in their twenties, but that information doesn't console me in the least). Now, there really isn't any hope to remedy the problem, in a way.

Anyway, I want to have someone - I want someone to hold hands with, someone to caress each other with, someone to kiss with, someone to wake up with, someone to go to bed with, someone to sit by the river at night with, someone to lie on the grass with, someone to embrace, someone to be adventurous and spontaneous with, and someone to have sex with. I also want someone to love and be loved back by. However, I think that I'm driven the most insane by the part with the sex - I can't embrace the fact that I'm a 17 year old virgin and that eventually I will be a 40 year old virgin as well.

When I hear or read about the experiences other teenagers are having, such as the 14 year old boy taking his girlfriend home and having sex with her in his bed, and fingering her and whatnot, I feel even worse - I compare myself against those who are sexually "successful" and I felt completely pathetic about myself (I just read the thread about being "caught" and got shaken up by some of the stories featuring actual success - now the rest of the evening is ruined for me). Sometimes, I don't really react, but other times, it's horrible - like now. For the past few days I've been really worrying over this and it's destroying every day for me. I think it started with the rekindling of my feelings for my crush. Before that, I was kind of happy reading books and watching television.

I suppose that I could return to such a mind-set again, but I don't know how to go about it. I have to wait it out - which is the whole problem. I'm tired of waiting it out for about a year now (well, perhaps 6 months - in the beginning, it wasn't that bad, though I don't really recall). It's setting me in a self-destructive mood. How pray tell am I supposed to focus on school? I can't even enjoy movies this way. I have to waste time trying to devise distraction techniques, which only partly do the trick. Missing my crush certainly doesn't make things easier (although that has thankfully begun to subside again, possibly because of this other problem).

So, have any of you had to cope with being forever alone? How have you solved the problem? Either way, what do you suggest? Do you simply contend that acceptance comes with time and that I just need to live through all the frustration and finally get used to the way things are? Do you think it's possibly for me to be happy never having had a lover or a sex partner by the age of 30 or so? I suppose that then, it won't be so bad - I think that I associate the value of being able to establish a romantic or sexual partnership primarily with the teenage years. For me, it seems about a 16 year old boy seducing girls and having sex with them - not a 26 year old man (for example). It's all about the "coolness" of sex in the teenage years, or whatnot - it's an obsession - I really don't know how I have succumbed to such a view... it really defies my rational instincts.

 

I may be "only 17", but teenagers all around me are all so experienced - so many of them have made out, had partners, had sex, etc. It's not really so much that I'm 17 or not - it's that I don't have the predispositions they do. If I had had them, I too would have started with romantic experiences at the age of 12.

Thus, whereas the problem is that I haven't had any romantic and sexual experiences and that this is eating me up, the background is that I as a person am unappealing/unattractive in the romantic/sexual sense. I may be academically competent, I may excel at various hobbies, I may be skilled at philosophical and intellectual discussions, but I do not have the necessary social charisma. In fact, I am very socially awkward - it's not that I'm just boring/unstimulating but I'm also revolting to a certain extent.

That is why I didn't ask how to find a partner, but how to deal with not being able to find one. You suggest going to bars, meeting people, and the like, but I don't think that that would really work out. If I went up to someone in a bar to talk to them, the person would walk away within the second minute of the conversation. If we are indirectly brought together, e.g. via some club I've joined, that might work better, but what are the odds of finding a gay guy about my age who I like?

First of all, there are not that many gay guys my age to begin with; second of all, some of the ones that do exist are not really accepting of their sexuality; and third of all, many gay guys are really socially awkward and thus unattractive (of the 7 I've met so far in real life, 6 have been like this, and the one that was actually attractive I met in Austria), rather like me - they may be awkward in some other respects, but it boils down to the same thing. Anyway, let's say that I do find a guy a like, despite the incredibly low odds - how pray tell am I to expect that he should like me back, given how unattractive in that sense I myself am?

Thus, the college/workplace idea doesn't seem to provide an ideal solution either. As for dating apps, I suppose that could work, but an online relationship isn't fully satisfactory, and it is again unlikely that I should find someone in my area to be able to meet. We are a country of 2,000,000 and we are also homophobic, based on what I see.

Anyway, I know that despite these low odds, which I have possibly presented as lower than they are, I could find someone, but the main thing I'd need to change is my unattractive personality. Now, this is immensely difficult. I'd have to fully adopt the persona of a charismatic guy, the one that has others fall for him. Thus, I'd have to learn to act another character fully, and maintain this act.

This is firstly difficult because I'd need to determine what are the thousands of traits that make the charismatic/attractive/hot/cool guy appealing in a romantic or sexual sense. Then, I'd have to invest five times the effort to pull them off correctly. I can barely produce a decent photograph although I try to mimic others' facial expressions... Anyway, I'm not really afraid of the difficulty - I just think that the difficulty approaches impossibility too much. Even if I try to adopt the needed persona, I think that I'd fail miserably and produce something grotesque, even worse than what I have now.

Anyway, Really, you suggest that I have been hit by puberty. What exactly do you mean by this? What does puberty have to do with my feelings? Are you suggesting that it's hormones or something such? Anyway, why should it come so late? The physical parts of puberty started early enough. Also, if it is puberty, does that mean that it will just pass and that I will stop worrying because I will "grow up" or something to that effect?

 

I'm not Hungarian but I'm learning the language because I really admire it Anyway, I am planning to move out of Macedonia either way, but not right now - I'm going to move out to go to college abroad, but I'll finish high school here. I don't plan on coming back either. I'm the kind of person who really gets attached to things, places included, but I kind of feel that I need some breakthrough - I want a new life, in a way (not that I'll be changing my lifestyle a lot, but still...). I think I'll feel that I've somehow failed if I just stay here. I feel trapped and disadvantaged for whatever reason.

Well, if I approach someone in a bar, it will be clear that I am making romantic advances, so yes, I'm rather sure. If the person thought I was just trying to make friends, it would be different, since as I said, the problem with my personality is not so much that I am overall revolting - I'm merely unattractive in a romantic/sexual sense. Well, I'm not particularly amazing in other respects either, but at least I'm tolerable.

By the way, I'm somewhat comforted to hear that others have felt the same as I have.