Hi folks, First post here. First post of this type anywhere. I'm gay. Have known I'm gay for a long time. But I've never been in a relationship with another guy. The closest I've had has been a f*ck buddy who I used to have drinks with now and again. Anyway, I'm now in a position where I'd like to look at getting into a relationship. Using a dating site I met a really nice guy. We chatted for three or four hours non stop on the first night we spoke. No awkward silences. Just constant non-stop chat. We both had similar experiences of time wasters speaking to us then vanishing. We were both looking for more than a quick 'shag'. We were so massively similar it was almost scary lol. Anyway, during that conversation I suggested we meet for a drink sometime. He accepted the invitation and even said that we should meet the very next day. So we did. We met at 5pm and by 11pm we were still out drinking. Again, no awkward silences. We head back to mine and things get naughty lol. He instigated it. We don't have sex, but we do other bits and pieces. He stays the night. The next morning I drive him to his to get ready for work. Shortly after he messages me. He says he could use a "spooning". So he ends up back at mine that evening. We go out for a take away and come back to eat. We then watch TV for the rest of the evening with him lying in my arms. We just cuddle all evening. He leaves around midnight but not before a bit of a kiss. Then......... he goes quiet. Nothing. I send him a few messages and the responses I get are short. We speak on Whatsapp so I know he's been online and probably seen my messages, but he still doesn't reply for ages. I ask him what's going on. Ask him why he's ignoring me. He goes off on one saying I'm pressuring him. I'm being too full on. He then really starts ignoring me. In the end I send him a message saying that I'd rather salvage a friendship than nothing at all. A few days later he replies and says he agrees. He says that he didn't know how to deal with someone taking a genuine interest in him. Fair enough point. Anyway, we meet again. He comes to mine. We have a drink. A chat. That's all. Then he goes quiet again. So I ask him if he'd like to go for dinner. He gladly agrees and out we go. We have a lovely evening. Good laugh. Nice food. Back to mine again. I go in for a cuddle and he doesn't really do much. I accuse him of 'being difficult to read' and he puts his arm around me. He leaves an hour or so later but again, after a kiss. This time I instigated. We didn't talk at all the next day. Today I've sent him a couple of messages throughout the day which I know he has read because his "last online" tag from Whatsapp shows that he's been online a lot throughout the day. No replies from him, though. He says he's busy, but he wasn't this busy when we first spoke. And these were on the same days of the week when he would have been working. So it's obvious he is choosing not to reply for some reason. Where do I go from here? I really, really like this guy. We've had five 'dates' now and they've all gone pretty well. We're almost at 10 date level based on how comfortable we seem to be together. I don't want to scare him off by pestering him if there's a chance of something happening, but I also don't want to put everything on hold on the off chance that he's interested but just being a bit sheepish. Part of me thinks I should just message him and tell him that I've too much self respect to keep chasing him and to ask him to delete my number etc. When we first had a falling out I was really upset about it. This time, I don't think I'd care as much. I'd still be upset becuase I genuinely think there's something there. If it 'ends' I want to be the one to 'end' it. I don't want him walking away thinking he has all the power and thinking he can come back to me whenever he wants and I'll be waiting. But ideally I'd like to give a relationship a try with him. When is it time enough to talk about a relationship?
I'm by no means a relationship expert, but here is my one thought: 1) He is losing interest because you're coming on too strong. Sometimes when people are busy and don't have time to talk it makes you want them more. He may just feel like there is no chase or excitement. Maybe you could try backing off and seeing if he comes to you.
You need to back off, because you're being clingy. Are you sure that he wants to be in a relationship? I'd say not. Maybe he just wants to know you little by little or something like that. If it was me and he really was ignoring me then I'd break things off and be the one to walk away, as you said. Learning to stop being clingy and have self respect is kind of hard because things are suddenly cut-off, and you get a bit lonely...but it gets better. Good luck and keep us updated
I see two things going on: One, while not necessarily "clingy", you're coming on pretty strongly and kind of intensely, and that will scare away a lot of people. Two, it sounds like he is very guarded and doesn't let people get close. A very common thing, unfortunately, with a lot of gay men, which is why hookup culture is so widespread. So hooking up and having fun is OK, but anything involving real feelings or commitment... and he runs for the hills. Now... sometimes you can gently coax someone like that to slowly come out of their protective shell. But it takes finesse, and it also takes, on the other person's part, a willingness to do the self-work to be willing to face the scary feelings. So both of you need to do work, coming from opposite sides of the spectrum. Perhaps you could directly talk to him about this. If he's willing to be open about what scares him, and why, then there's a chance he's ready to do the work. If he just shuts down and runs away, then he's not ready, and you should probably look elsewhere.
