Questioning male who feels rather cursed

Hey guys and gals,
Honestly, i dont know why im here and i think i chose the right section for my predicament. I'm a male who is strictly attracted to androgynous, shorthaired females. When i was a child, i had a crush on a girl in softball and who played football with the boys in elementary. Ofcourse she came out later in life, then again she had two mothers. I had my first relationship when i was about 16 with my friend's sister's friend, Amy. Amy was a 14 year old tomboy and i was shocked she wasn't gay (she came out as bi later), we became really close and made out once but i never saw her again. She lived far, had strict parents and in the time we were "together" she kissed another boy and I figured that ment it was over. She ended up marrying this military guy but before that said she waited for me for 3 years. Don't worry i regret the hell out of it. My "first love", was this girl who lived across from me, what attracted me to her was her toughness and she was a wrestler back in her hometown. I was with a ftm for a short period but he was too far and his sister didnt want me to see him. This has been my pattern through life, I dont want to say i hate lesbians but whenever i see an androgynous female, I get super depressed. I mean theres a chance that person is not strictly gay but maybe bi/pan but I've been hit with the L word so many times by these types of females I dont even bother trying to communicate interest. I dont even befriend lesbians because i become emotionally attracted to them and become a disposable friend. Im in a treatment program because of this "Curse", I found it was easier just to use drugs and keep my mind off the possibility of 'that' kind of love. Now though in this program, i cant use and that depression is getting to me a lot more, even when I go in to take a urine drop and see an androgynous female, I keep my head down and pretend theyre not there. I swim through facebook and social media sites and cross my fingers everytime I see an androgynous girl's profile, praying she's bi. I may have found a handful out of HUNDREDS of profiles but most of them lean towards wanting women, studs, or had a traumatizing relationship with a male, sexually abusive father, etc. Its just an uphill battle.

What should i do guys? Ive been hurting myself for a while over this and really feel like I was born in the generation. Im 22 now and that period when a girl is still unsure of their orientation is over for me, I think my type of female (straight/bi/pan shorthaired, androgynous girl, maybe even ftms who are bi/pan) is a dinosaur and extinct.