As some of you may know, my ex boyfriend (dated 3 years) broke up with me at the start of June. It's been a hell of a time for me. I've struggled a lot about mixed feelings around the breakup and really miss him a whole lot. We've been hanging out every now and then, but it isn't the same. I really feel like I need to talk to him about stuff now that we've both had some time to back away from the relationship and get a little perspective. I haven't been able to bring up my want to talk about things with him in person, so I'm writing him a letter stating that I want to talk. Here's the letter: Matt, I was wondering if we could sit down and talk about how we're both feeling about things now that we've had some space. Spending this time apart to get some perspective on our relationship has been revealing for me. I see some of the flaws that put stress on our relationship that I didn't recognize before because I was so close to it. Things weren't perfect between us (and things are rarely perfect in any relationship), but there were a lot of great times we had together. I think a lot of the issues started happening when we moved in together. You needed your personal space and I didn't know how to give it to you. Right before we split you went out to the bar with your friend Brittany on your own and came home and were the affectionate boyfriend that I was starting to miss a lot. It felt SO GREAT when you came home that night and I stupidly acted distant towards you in an attempt to make you feel the way I had felt. I sincerely apologize for that because I wish I had accepted it and realized that all I had to do was give you time to do your own thing. I didn't realize that leaving you alone would result in more affection towards me, I got scared and held on to you for dear life. I didn't want to let you go out alone because I was really worried that we would grow apart if we didn't hang out a lot, since we spent all of our time together in the past. You told me that this is the way things would have been if I had just given you the space you needed. You always said that I was always the one you wanted to come home to, and I guess I didn't understand. Now that we've had some time to step back from the relationship, I recognize a lot of the ways my actions contributed to what we're going through now and I'd really like to discuss it with you. When we first talked about things, I didn't have the perspective I do now. The letter isn't quite finished, this is just a draft. I really just need to know how he feels. He's been on my mind every single day since we split up and it's really stating to get to me. Hanging out with him has been fine, but I don't think it will continue to be fine if we aren't on the same page about where our relationship is. I miss him a whole lot, and though I don't necessarily want him to move back in or even date me right now, but I do want my friend back if we're gonna hang out. I want someone who can give me a hug and tell me it will all be okay. Thoughts?
Please someone respond to this... I've been a mess recently and every time I try to get support recently no one responds.
I think you give off a very mature vibe in the letter, and if I received it as an ex I would be more than willing to talk.
Hey Matt, I really like and felt for your letter. I am similar in a sense of wanting to be with my partner all the time. Try to keep the letter a little shorter, you don't want it to be too heavy before he sees you. Leave room to express most of this to him face to face. For now, in your letter try your best to give him the impression that you truly understand how healthy and important space is in a relationship, not just for HIM but for YOU yourself. Let him know that having this space led to positive realizations and clarity for what can be done right and better (if you guys give this another chance). Appear positive and optimistic, believe me it makes a difference, he will associate you with positive energy if he gets good vibes from the letter. Go get him! I hope he responds well to it! Keep us informed
Hey, Not sure if you have sent this letter yet or not but there are a few things you should think about before you send it. Mainly, what is the intended purpose (is it to tell him you are sorry or try to get him back)? Also, do you really believe what you have written here or is it an attempt to mend holes that existed? I agree with the poster above that you should keep this letter short and avoid overwhelming him. After all, being overbearing seems to be the problem in the first place. I think you should really know what you want to get out of this, and it will help clarify what you want to say and what you want the outcome to be. I will say form his perspective this probably won't be nearly enough to think about getting back together. Wounds and thoughts take a long time to heal and any problems you had likely aren't resolved in 2 months, despite your willingness to think things are different. If it was bad enough to drive him to break up with you, than this is just a first step along a long road to making things better between you two and that may not be the road he is willing to take yet. It will take a lot of "convincing" and time for him to believe you are different and for him that might not be worth it. Again, I am just playing devils advocate here because I have been in his situation and it is tough to change your views once you make a decision to end a long-term relationship. best, Jordan
So, this is pretty much what my brother told me too. The point of the letter is just to get him to have a conversation with me about how we feel about eachother. I don't expect us to get back together anytime soon, but I'm having a LOT of trouble moving on from our relationship and letting go of him. I think a big reason for that is that I don't know how he feels about me, so I'm afraid to make a move in either direction. I can let go completely and not see him for a while to give myself more space, or I can keep hanging out with him and hope that we can work things out. I'm afraid that if I stop hanging out with him, he will forget about me or it will ruin any chance of getting together again in the future. I should be clear, I don't want to have the relationship we had again, but I do want him. He's the most beautiful, intelligent, thoughtful, creative, and amazing person I've ever met, and I just don't want to lose him in my life because he means so much to me. We have been through a lot together, so if nothing else, I want him to be there in some way, even if we're dating other people. The romantic feelings subsided a while ago, even before we broke up, because things weren't going well. Basically we broke up because he felt confused and didn't know what he was doing anymore. We needed time apart so he could figure himself out. He told me that he still loves me but he didn't want me to wait around for him because he wasn't sure what would happen in the future. Kinda just left me in limbo, because it's hard to move on when there's a possibility that he could come back. I haven't been thinking enough about myself and what's best for me though. I haven't thought about how I need space too. I only think about him and his needs still, which is a clear sign that we need more time apart I think =/
I'm really sorry it ended so ambiguously, that can really be a nightmare. I did this once, started sending letters after a particularly bad break-up which ended in a similar way. I wanted the guy to know that I found him beautiful, intelligent, etc. In the end the letters became a means to my own selfish end. I wanted less ambiguity and it got to the point where I was sending letters just to drive him to say "get away from me" because even that was better than the not knowing! He didn't, and I ended up destroying any chance of friendship or a future relationship. These kind of break-ups suck, but it is still a break-up. As someone who has also been on the other side, I can tell you that the way to get him back into your life is to show him that you don't need him. I can identify with your ex because I need and crave space and people like us, we don't like to feel like another person's life depends on us. By sending him the letter you're saying that you can't have a good single life, that you are happy with, without him. The flip side of this is that by showing him you can be a complete, happy and whole person without him he may come to want you in his life again, as a friend or boyfriend. Hope for the best!
Hey Taylor, Before sending that letter... Chip has recommended the following book from Joe Kort, and I strongly recommend it as well: 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love http://www.joekort.com/joes_books-2.htm It would be good if both of you can read it, you may recognize some important things that you could both work on, should you ever decide to try again. Remember however, that it always takes two to tango, at some point, you may have to let him go if there is no chance of getting back together.
