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I Need Input...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Kaiser, Aug 1, 2014.

  1. Kaiser

    Kaiser Guest

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    You're probably thinking, "Wait, what? Kaiser needs help?", and you would not be strange in thinking such. However, I have just recently been hit over the head, with something very sudden and very stressful.

    A particular aunt has just passed away. I was informed of this earlier in the day, so I had time to digest it for a bit. To be honest, this particular aunt and I, though we saw one another once a year, were not terribly close. While I am sad her death will cause some changes, especially to those she lived with, I am handling it very well. In fact, probably too well.

    You're probably thinking, "I'm sorry to hear that!", but my predicament does not stop there. Oh no, it gets better -- and by better, I mean stressful.

    About 15 minutes ago (of typing this), I received a telephone call from my cousin. It's her mother that passed away. Anyway, she told me something that, quite frankly, caught me off guard. My aunt, in her Will, has entrusted me to decide WHO GETS WHAT, and HOW MUCH. Basically, I have to decide what of my aunt's goes to the nieces and nephews.

    Now, you might be thinking, "Wow, that is pretty stressful.", and you would be right. However, it goes further...

    I was also informed, I have been forced asked to speak, at my aunt's visitation tonight, and her funeral tomorrow. I asked my cousin, why me? And apparently, my aunt thought I was the only one who could make her look good, as well as represent the family by putting into words, what they could not. I don't mind this so much, because I'm a capable speaker, but I'm rather floored that, for an aunt I had little to no contact with, I'm suddenly being thrown into her post-life matters.

    I can handle the speeches, those won't be too difficult. However, it's the dividing up stuff between the nieces and nephews, many of whom aren't that close to me, that has me a tad stressed. I know that my aunts and uncles are expecting me to show favoritism, and bless their children with a certain amount of belongings or money. This, while rough, is secondary to the fact, this includes my aunt's son and daughter. I, basically, get to decide what exactly they get. This is the most difficult to swallow, because it feels very wrong that, my aunt's own children, weren't just being given something.

    I know, no matter how I go about this, someone is going to get pissed. On one hand, I'm flattered my aunt believed in me like that, but on the other, a little forewarning would have been nice.

    I guess what I'm asking for is, a little encouragement, and perhaps some reassurance.
     
  2. PatrickUK

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    Wow! What a situation to be placed in.

    I don't know how things work in the US, but it can take some months to settle an estate in the UK, even with a team of legal experts appointed as trustees. With that in mind Kaiser, is it reasonable of me to assume that you have some time to think about this before doing anything? One thing is certain, I would be taking time, if it was available to me and I think you are the sort of person who would prefer to take time to weigh things up.

    Ultimately, you will not be able to please everyone, but that's just tough. You didn't ask for this and unless there are any directions in the Will you are just going to have to apply your own sound judgement to the situation. I know you will do your best to be fair, but I'd definitely recommend taking a bit of thinking time before arriving at any decisions.

    Sorry you have been landed with this.

    Just an extra thought... is there any reading you can do about acting as a trustee/executor to help you arrive at the best possible outcome?
     
    #2 PatrickUK, Aug 1, 2014
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2014
  3. Kaiser

    Kaiser Guest

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    I've never been asked to do something like this, well, of this magnitude, so, this is a new experience for me. I've been asked to distribute and share candy before, but that isn't the same thing, lol. All I know is, I was specified by name, with those instructions. I assume that tomorrow, following the funeral, I will be brought up to date and speed, about what exactly needs to be done.

    Of course, tonight and tomorrow are going to be a rough one, because I'm sure the nieces and nephews are going to sweet talk me.

    But yes, I do think this will be a long enough situation, that I will have time to think about it. I just don't know my cousins well enough, to make sound judgments, because none of them really have anything to do with me. The ones I do know, our relationship at best is a respectful indifference.

    I appreciate it, Linco.
     
  4. Peacemaker

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    yea i agree with linco but i also think you could probably go through some of your aunts stuff to decide based on how your aunt would have done it, if thats even possible but wow that really is a tough and stressful situation, im sorry you had to be put into that
     
  5. Kaiser

    Kaiser Guest

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    From what I'm understanding, possibly tonight (though briefly), I'll be informed of the exact situation. Tomorrow, though, following the funeral, I will be officially brought up to speed. So, I'll be more clear-headed about this, then, or so I assume!

    I'll be giving it some thought. To be totally honest, this being dropped on me, out of the blue, has really screwed up my mood. Not in a frantic way, mind you, but it has me in "serious business" mode. I assume I'll be like this, until I know exactly what is going on, and what exactly is expected of me.

    As for going through my aunt's stuff, that is a possibility, and one I was considering. But, if I had to guess, this is going to take place at her home, which'll make things a tad more difficult. However, I'll have more time to look around, and make some investments in terms of thinking.

    Thanks, Peacemaker.
     
  6. WearyWanderer

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    That sounds like quite a task! Have you considered maybe getting one of your family members to help you divide stuff up? Maybe someone who was closer to her could give more of an input. I know it must be stressful now, but just take a deep breath, work through the problem slowly, and know that it will all end out all right.
     
  7. Kaiser

    Kaiser Guest

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    I just returned from the visitation. It was very quick -- only about 30 minutes, well, for me. I went in, was approached by my cousin, told to speak and I did. I had the room in tearful silence, so, I feel like I've crossed the first hurdle, and with an impressive success. All that remains is speaking at the funeral itself tomorrow, and I'm done with the speaking issue.

    WearyWanderer, I wasn't able to heavily talk to anyone at the visitation, as most were either in tears or not in the mood, and I was kind of pushed to speak. However, I was informed -- to my relief -- that some legal representatives, will sit me down and discuss what exactly I need to do. So, I feel a tad better in regards to this. But the problem still remains, how to go about distributing stuff... so, I might take what you say about having a closer-to-my-aunt family member help me. The problem is, I'm afraid they might try to coax me into favoring certain members, but I'll see what can be done.

    My father's side of the family, can be real vultures, when it comes to these things. I got a sample of that tonight, when a few of my cousins were giving me 'empty compliments', and an uncle, who never talks to me, approached me and wanted to, all of a sudden, know what kind of plans I had for the future.

    Oh, this is going to be a headache...
     
  8. Peacemaker

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    oh god thats really messed up but atleast you realized they were trying to "play" you, do you know any family members that could help you with this like a grandmother or older relative that knows the family well?
     
  9. Kaiser

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    After thinking about it for a while, I realized something...

    Perhaps the reason my aunt wanted me to do this is, because, well, I'm the only one on this side of the family without some kind of agenda. This is also why, unfortunately, Peacemaker, that I have a very limited pool of candidates to help me. The only one that, I think, could help, and wouldn't have an invested interest, is leaving immediately after the funeral tomorrow. The reason I believe she would be an asset is, basically, she tends to be a lone wolf with the family. But even then, she and I aren't exactly close, and I've only seen her, like, twice in my life.

    It is times like these, that I want to revert back to my old habits, because back then, I'd have done the damn thing, and given no fucks. LOL.
     
  10. WearyWanderer

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    I'm sorry to hear that a lot of people in your family are trying to play you. That's an interesting observation you made, about you're the only one without an agenda. I think you may be right there. Anyway, if you can't rely on anyone else, then you should think about this logically. Who was the closest to your aunt? Her kids, husband, siblings, etc...you can make a list of who you think really knew your aunt, or was kind to her, and decide from there. Then, split it up accordingly.

    Sorry you have to be in this situation. It sounds tough.
     
  11. Kaiser

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    I'm way of ahead of you, my main man. I think that I might just have to do this, as I usually do, alone. When I try to look at the mental list of candidates, they tend to fall into one of three categories:

    One, they're included in the individuals I have to distribute stuff to, i.e. cousins.

    Two, they're too closely connected to the above individuals, so they have a semi-interest.

    Three, they're not going to be much help, because they are distant relatives, and they don't know enough to help me; at least not anymore than I do.

    The few who slip through, though, are leaving tomorrow after the funeral. I suppose I could ask them, and I might as well, and see what comes of it, but I have a feeling that this'll be another solo job. That's how I've always rolled, and it appears that is how I'm rolling again.

    If things get too out of hand, there is always my father. But, that just adds another layer of problems in exchange for a source of input.
     
  12. Peacemaker

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    why could asking your father cause problems, if you dont mind me asking?
     
  13. Kaiser

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    It's a complex relationship. To keep it short, neither of us is very close to the other; he also, while not hating me or anything, isn't as passionate around me as, say, my younger sister. He's fine with me, but I don't believe he's proud of me (I'm not the kind of son he was expecting; and that brings him down). I have no serious ill will, but I can't deny the situation. Anyway, bringing him into this, would just really mess up my mood.

    I wound up spending time with two of my cousins, last night, who were the son and daughter of the aunt that passed away. They pretty much asked me to come by last night, before the funeral later on today. I was treated to a glorious late-night meal, compliments, and two pairs of ears and eyes to speak and show to, anything I wanted. While I can tell they're a little tore up about their mother passing, it is also obvious that they're trying to soften me up, so they can have a head start on everybody.

    How do I know this? Nobody just, out of the blue, asks, "So, is there anything you've been wanting to get, but haven't?"

    At first, I was kind of stressed. I still am, but it's beginning to die down, and become replaced with amusement. I might just ride this out, and see where this all goes! LOL!
     
  14. Kaiser

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    The funeral went all right. I believe I did well enough with my speaking part. The priest even shook my hand, so, that means something.

    Talking to the legal representative was pretty straight forward. It was actually sitting down, at my aunt's home, and going over the Will that, predictably, wound up being where things started going south. I was presented with a list of things, that were to be distributed, and off the bat, everybody's eyes went wide, when the amount of money to be distributed, was stated. One uncle, who was there to "represent his underage niece" (his words), insisted a specific amount of money go to "them" (again, his words), because he deserved it. This started a little debate, which I sat back and watched.

    I speak up, after about a minute or two, and ask this uncle, why he deserved the particular amount he said, and his response...

    "So I can get the house! You stupid, boy?"

    Boy. Who says 'boy' besides rednecks and sophisticated villains? Welcome to the South, ladies and gentlemen, where we have sophisticated redneck villainy by the dozen!

    And that's about where progress stopped, because for the next 2 1/2 hours, back and forth, about how much money they needed, and that they all needed the money, so they could get my aunt's house. The only sensible thing that was said after this point, came from the son of the aunt who passed, when he suggested they all split the money evenly. Of course, the uncle from earlier didn't like that, because he wouldn't have a financial edge. So, back to the back and forth. Keep in mind, he stops using the word "we" and resorts to "I" from here on out.

    At first, I was a little bummed, because it was just pettiness incarnate. But, I began telling myself, if these clowns want to make fools out of themselves, fine. I'm just sitting back, taking mental notes, and using that towards any decision-making.

    Aside from wanting to say something, like a smart ass, to my uncle's rude response (I let it slide), it was tolerable. I'm not going to let that uncle slide a second time, though.

    That said, we resume Monday morning.

    So far, so bearable.
     
  15. Peacemaker

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    wow, no offense but your family sounds, well crappy i would hate all that in-fighting and after an aunts death and over her house, god the pettiness and drama, like a soap opera or a springier show
     
  16. Kaiser

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    Aside from the one uncle, the others haven't been a serious problem. Sure, they got a little snappy, but they seemed to want to get it over with, as soon as possible. I can deal with the uncle, now that I got a feel for him.

    It isn't Jerry Springer-level yet. I doubt it will be, to be honest. At worst, I expect some finger pointing, table slapping, and harsh words, but that's about it. Of course, we haven't really begun the rationing.

    One interesting thing I did notice, though, was how they all seemed unorganized as a unit. I expected a sort of semi-alliance between them, but they've left themselves open, to be picked at and then apart. I'm surprised they don't have some agreement, but that may be because they assume, I'm going to be an easy problem. I'm going to try having one on one talks, with the other nieces and nephews, and see if I can't take level with them individually, as opposed to leveling with them unified.
     
  17. Peacemaker

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    ok thats good
     
  18. Kaiser

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    A minor update.

    This morning, we had about two hours. Basically, everyone went around and stated their case, and everyone listened. It was fine, and that same uncle who was being a tad dramatic, said he wants to take me out to eat, so we can discuss things professionally. I have that to look forward to do tonight.

    The youngest niece, who is 11, told me it was okay to be scared about all of this. While I wasn't scared (just a mixture of nominally agitated and moderately exhausted; she still noticed my mood), it was nice hearing somebody else, in person, provide encouragement, in regards to this situation. I got her a Dr. Pepper and a $5 bill as thanks. It definitely made those two hours justified, I'd say.
     
  19. Jenna0780

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    Unfortunately, we here on the forum can't exactly give much advice, as we only know what you've told us about your family. Of course, one-on-one talks with the people who inheritance would be going to would likely be your best bet, especially as your forte seems to be getting down to the nitty-gritty of one's mind. As for going through everything and actually deciding, I'd say that would best be done alone, as you cannot seem to find anyone who doesn't have some sort of bias toward one person or another. I wish there were more that we/I could do or say to help. You are very intelligent, and I'm sure you will find a diplomatic solution. You simply can't please everyone, dear. However, if at the end of it, you feel even a little confident in your decisions, you've done well.

    I, myself, would very likely just split everything up evenly and call it a day, but I'm unsure if you would like to do that. Different people have different views on that though.

    Oh, oh! You could hold an inheritance auction! However, I think it would really only work if everyone is really greedy... Although, in a time of grieving, that may not be the best solution.
     
  20. Really

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    Why do cousins get anything? Unless they were particularly close to her?
    I say split it evenly between children, maybe a few token dollars elsewhere and be done with it. But then, I don't have a vote. ;}
    (Maybe a chunk for that kid, in trust, for her education).