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The girl who made me realize my sexuality does not know I exist

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by FuelsMySong, Aug 5, 2014.

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  1. FuelsMySong

    FuelsMySong
    Regular Member

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    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
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    The very first person that made me realize my sexuality was someone whom I did not even personally know. She was a girl who went to my high school. I never had an actual conversation with her because she was not in my grade therefore we never had any classes together. The first time I noticed her was when I looked up from my cellphone and saw her staring at me and I remember thinking "wow this girl is beautiful." ….I had no idea why she was staring at me but I quickly looked away because I was afraid of the feeling that I was getting. It was scary and foreign and I did not know what to make of it. Then, on following occasions, her and I stared at each other from afar. I would look away but pretty soon I would look back because I couldn't resist looking at her looking at me. Pretty soon, I became obsessive about her. I daydreamed about her constantly, wrote poems about her, and being a church-going kid, I cried and cried about committing a sin by lusting after somebody of the same sex. After a while, I told myself that it was okay to crush on her after telling my parents and my best friend about this crush of mine along with the distress it was causing me and them being okay with it. However, eventually this crush faded away and I started crushing on other girls and other boys. It has been two years since all of this happened, and recently having gone through a breakup with another person, I decide to Facebook stalk this girl (again) and I find out she is a straight ally which is good because she supports the lgbt community but is bad because she's straight (and also has a boyfriend). Even though I was "over her", there was something in me that was angry and jealous. Then, a couple of weeks later I saw her when I was hanging out with my friends. The week after that, I saw her when I was hanging out with my family. They know about the girl I had a crush on but they had no idea that it was her. So, this is where I am at right now. I really do not know why this person has so much power over me. I feel really shallow for crushing on somebody that I know nothing about except what I found out through the internet. I started daydreaming about her again and maybe it's just a way for me to cope with my recent break-up or maybe I still have feelings for the girl who does not know I exist.
     
    #1 FuelsMySong, Aug 5, 2014
  2. julianne

    julianne
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    Some crushes never seem to go away, they just wait to resurface. I had a crush like that on a girl in my dance class. She was one of the first girls in real life I ever found myself really attracted to, so it was weird and scary and a lot like what you're describing. I never actually spoke to her. When I did I found that she was annoying and a little rude, but it was still so hard to shake the feeling. That was 2 years ago and I've got a girlfriend now whom I love dearly, but every once in a while this girl pops into my head and it's like dance class all over again :confused: I know exactly what you're going through.

    There's no way to make a crush like this go away overnight! Like you said, she was the girl who helped you figure out your sexuality. She's always going to hold a special place in your heart because of that. But I think you just need to accept this crush as what it is; a crush. People have crushes all the time! Some fade, some turn into relationships, some never really go away. But no matter what type of crush this is, you need to remember that stressing out about it won't change a thing.

    You're not shallow for having a crush on someone you don't know; you're just like almost every other teenage girl I've ever met. Just think of it as more of a celebrity crush. Indulge your fantasies, but accept the fact that they're probably more about the idea of this girl than about who she actually is. I don't see the harm in crushing on this girl as long as you accept that it will probably never be anything more than a crush.

    I know it's tough, but I know you can get through it. Good luck (*hug*)
     
    #2 julianne, Aug 5, 2014
  3. Mocha

    Mocha
    Regular Member

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    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
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    Haha it's not only teenagers that get crushes like that! I'm 34 and I barely know my trigger crush, it was lust at first sight, but she gives me crazy, intense feelings :wink:. A crush is fine, normal but just be able to recognise if it can't go anywhere :slight_smile:
     
    #3 Mocha, Aug 6, 2014
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