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I keep alienating everyone

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Rawrzilla, Aug 6, 2014.

  1. Rawrzilla

    Rawrzilla Guest

    Ok this has been going on for far too long now and it's way past the time for me to admit it's a problem I need to deal with if I don't wanna stay single my whole life.

    I'm the kind of person that needs to feel in control; not in a dominative way (I think) but more like I don't feel comfortable in situations where I can't predict the outcome or when I haven't had enough time/information to prepare for said outcome. Now here's the funny thing; when you apply this quirk of mine to human interaction, what happens is that when someone I'm interested in notices that I'm interested in them before I'm ready to make a move, my brain goes into defensive mode. Basically I slip into this mask of indifference and pretend I don't really care that much about them in an attempt to mislead them into thinking they were wrong so I can go back to being the one in control.

    I start deliberately avoiding eye-contact, walking right past them if possible, only speaking to them if I absolutely have to and for as short of a time as possible, etc etc. All of this with enough subtlety that most people won't notice but someone who already has their eyes on me will. The sad thing is I'm good at it, so good that when the genie is back in the bottle I believe these persons get the impression that I dislike them (with good reason) when the reality couldn't be farther from that.

    Ugh, so yeah. I keep crushing my possibilities of having something with the people I like because my insecurities drive me to act like a prick. I know the issue, the question is how do I stop it? I've tried to not do it however this kind of behavior is so ingrained in me I do it almost instinctively. I avert my eyes before I'm able to stop myself, I freeze up when I try to fight these impulses long enough for them to think I'm ignoring them, when I try to be warm I'm so uncomfortable it comes off as forced (further reinforcing the idea that I dislike them).

    Any advice into how I can stop myself from doing this or how can I mend the "relationship" afterwards if they already think I hate them?

    Help
     
  2. HTBO

    Full Member

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    Maybe try to be more aware of what you are doing? When you knowingly avert your eyes, then bring them back and smile. I'm the same way, I get very anxious around people and a lot of times first impressions of me are that I am not friendly which is the exact opposite of the type of person I am. I don't think it's a control issue for me, but I do understand what you are experiencing.
    Take one thing that you instinctively do and try to work on that specifically. Become more aware of it, and experiment with different ways to handle the situation until you become comfortable with it. As for mending the 'relationship' afterwards, talk to them and be honest about it. Tell them that these actions happen and that you don't realize you do it until it's done. Probably if you tell them this happens because you like rather than dislike them, they will accept what you say.
     
  3. Rawrzilla

    Rawrzilla Guest

    Thank you so much HTBO. It's gonna be hard to break away from these old, awful habits but if I do it one at a time like you described it doesn't sound so daunting. The eye contact thing is an important one since we communicate a lot through eye contact; so look back and smile uh? Oki dokie, I will try to shut down that part of my brain that needs to know how will they interpret it (What if they think it's weird? What if they think I'm flirting? Am I flirting?!) and just do it as often as possible and hope for the best.

    Regarding your second point...

    Oh this is gonna be a hard one. I can already feel the awkwardness of the situation just by imagining how would that go down "Heeeeeeeeeey dude/gurl, I just wanted to let you know the reason why I keep avoiding you like the plague is because I like you. A lot. Please don't run." HAHAHAHAHA...ha. Oh yes, definitely not gonna be easy to expose myself like that but I guess I owe it to them and to myself.

    In any case, thanks HTBO! We'll see how this all works out soon enough.
     
    #3 Rawrzilla, Aug 6, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 6, 2014