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My boyfriend has to kiss another guy for work?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Patrick87, Aug 6, 2014.

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  1. Patrick87

    Patrick87
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    My boyfriend acts in musical theatre. We've been together almost a year and I love and trust him. I see all of his shows and have never felt jealousy when he has to kiss a girl for a role. However, auditions for the musical Bare (which admittedly I've never seen) are coming up. It's a show he loves and wants to do before he gets too old. The role he's auditioning for is a gay man and would require him to kiss another man on stage. This would be the first time I've ever seen him kiss another guy and the first time he's ever done it in a show.

    Undoubtedly he's going to get the role. He is extremely talented and usually gets the roles he wants. I fully support him doing the show, after all, I knew from the moment we started dating that its been one of his dream roles.

    I've taken into consideration that eventually I would have to see him kiss another man for a show. This is something I've accepted, however, it's somewhat early in our relationship for me to be able to handle the actual visual. When he brought up the audition, I asked how he would feel if I skipped this one show? He said he would feel disappointed. Not only that I didn't want to see a show that he was in, but he felt that it also showed a level of distrust. I said it has nothing to do with trust, I just don't think I'm prepared for the mental image of him being intimate with another man.

    We decided to discuss it further if he actually gets the show, but I'm certain he will. So how should I handle this?
     
    #1 Patrick87, Aug 6, 2014
  2. Chip

    Chip
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    Honestly, the best bet is to work on recognizing it for what it is... a physical act devoid of any meaning, emotion, or connection. It's not a whole lot different than a role where he'd say to another actor "I love you." There's no truth or meaning behind the words, other than a role that's being acted out.

    I have to agree with your bf to some extent that your concern (at least to me) seems a little exaggerated; if you trust him, and if the relationship is secure, then his kissing another guy on stage during a few performances creates no risk.

    Realistically, someone spending hours of intense time rehearsing and performing with a bunch of other theater people (and we all know that most male theater performers are poofs...) has plenty of opportunity to find and fall in love with someone else. And in the year you've been together, presumably he's been in a number of shows and... that hasn't happened. So I really don't think this is something to be concerned about.

    Now... my saying that makes no difference whatsoever about how you feel, and it's important to understand that your feeling is real, and you're entitled to it, and my saying it shouldn't matter is purely theoretical and in the abstract. So what's important here is that you explore why you feel uncomfortable. Usually this sort of jealousy has roots in insecurity and shame, basically a deep (possibly unconscious) idea that perhaps you don't deserve someone as good as your boyfriend is, so you (again, unconsciously) look for things that could "prove" this (false) belief. If any of that resonates, then simply being aware of the insecurity, and talking openly about it with your boyfriend, could be helpful to the both of you.

    The key to dealing with shame is getting it out in the open, as it can't do it's job except in the presence of secrecy, silence, and judgment. As soon as you start putting it out there, all three of those start to diminish. And the fact you've been together a year, and your boyfriend is concerned about how you feel, tells me that this is a conversation the two of you are ready to have.
     
    #2 Chip, Aug 6, 2014
  3. Patrick87

    Patrick87
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    Your insight is very astute, Chip. And you're probably right.

    He and I have had said conversation before.

    But as I mentioned before, I have no issue with him doing the show and knowing that the kiss will happen. I just don't want to see it in person. Is that so wrong?
     
    #3 Patrick87, Aug 6, 2014
  4. resu

    resu
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    I think not wanting to see the kiss shows you still have some anxiety, and you're using avoidance to cope. The thing is, while it may relieve some stress, your imagination may get out of hand and assume the worst (that the kiss is more than platonic), even if that is irrational from what you've known in the past.
     
    #4 resu, Aug 6, 2014
  5. Chip

    Chip
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    Sorry, I apparently misread.

    I'm of two minds on this. If you'd find it disturbing, I'd absolutely say that you don't need to subject yourself to it. On the other hand, if this is the only play of his you haven't been to, it does sort of send a message that you distrust him, and if you love and believe in him and in your relationship, it seems sort of silly to boycott going to that show simply because there's one kiss of a couple of seconds.

    This is something I think is really worth exploring in yourself and then talking to him about. I think that perhaps for the long-term health of your relationship, and given his passion for theater, it might be something you want to spend some more time exploring in yourself.
     
    #5 Chip, Aug 6, 2014
  6. Really

    Really
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    All else being equal, could you tell him you're not sure you could watch him do the kiss but you'd like to see the play. If he could just tell you when the kiss happens, you plan to look away for a minute.
    This may be a simplistic evaluation of the situation but if you could manage it, you're bound to be fine.
     
    #6 Really, Aug 6, 2014
  7. Patrick87

    Patrick87
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    That's some good advice, Really, and he actually suggested that. The unfortunate thing is that it's more than just one kiss, and really, I don't even want to see or know who he is kissing. I don't want to see the guy, I don't want to meet him, nothing. I'd rather just skip the show entirely.
     
    #7 Patrick87, Aug 7, 2014
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