My best friend and I have been close since middle school. Around the middle of freshmen year, I noticed that she'd look at me for a really long time, and it started to get kind of awkward. I knew something was up, but never said anything. The summer before sophomore year, we went for a walk and she told me she liked me. I reacted so badly and knew she was hurt. At that point, I was completely convinced I was straight. I had crushes on people who were women, but kinda blew it off as "I just wanna be like them." The two of us really didn't speak about it again, and I knew she was hurt, but we still hung out. In the beginning of sophomore year, I developed my first real crush on this girl that I started spending time with. She had feelings for another girl, so I did nothing about it. Then, I met this other girl at a party. We became close pretty fast, and straight away she told me she wasn't straight. I liked her so much. That's when I began to admit that I might be attracted to women. Eventually, she became one of my best friends, but a few months later, she got a girlfriend who just happened to be the girl who was my best friend in 1st grade. This girl had a lot of issues, and my new friend really just wanted to help. It was during that relationship (which was going badly) that I told her I liked her. She didn't blow it off or anything. She said that she told me her sexuality so quickly, because she hoped I wasn't straight, something I told her for so long. Most of my friends during that year of high school are either trans, bi, or lesbian. I was hurt, but had hope. Before anything could happen after that relationship ended, she was already with another girl. Now it's the summer before my junior year, and I know that I'm still young and 16 and everything, but I've decided that I do like girls. I don't know if I'm bi or not just yet, but that's okay with me. Lately when I've been hanging out with my old best friend, I've really wanted to kiss her and I feel reallly, realllllly bad about it. Something happened a few weeks ago where I told her I had liked her. And now she keeps saying "we havent figured out what this is," but to be honest, I really don't want a relationship with her. I just want her to be my friend. I don't know what to say, because her face when I told her I had liked her at one point was so happy and I know I'm such a bad friend. It didn't feel like I was lying at the time, but now it feels like a very giant one. So, that's my story, in a nutshell. Please give me any advice or commentary. :/
It seems like its been an interesting high school year! I know what you're talking about and, of I'm not mistaken, part of you is worried that you might not really be into girls but you do it just because (I hope I'm right otherwise I sound like a complete douche). If that's the case then this would be high school+relationships+orientation=some rough teenage years. You may not know whether you are really into girls or it's just the feeling of wanting to be really close friends at the moment but I promise it will become clearer. For now I wouldn't spend too much time worrying about relationship vs friendship because they both start from the latter anyway. Just let it be and try to be friends for now. I hope that will help take an edge of off the drama and confusion. I apologize if this wasnt the most helpful post but it's all I can give. Just know that you hav people who support you and know a bit of what you're going through. Chin up buttercup! You have your whole life ahead of you to worry, try I enjoy what you have right now. <3
