1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Thinking about breaking up

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by HBI, Aug 7, 2014.

  1. HBI

    HBI
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2014
    Messages:
    42
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi, I need some advice please. I plan on making a very long trip to meet my girlfriend for the first time, but after a conversation we had, I'm having second thoughts about the trip and our relationship. I asked if she would show me her workplace, and to make a long story short. She initially agreed, but I knew she wasn't comfortable with it. I asked why, and she said work overlaps with her life too much. She wants to keep them from clashing as much as possible. But she once dated a coworker! She wants to know everything about me, but I don't know if she deserves to anymore. I feel like withdrawing from her, and telling her on second thought the idea of meeting and being together are bad ideas.
     
  2. Damien

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 29, 2014
    Messages:
    1,246
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Australia.
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    It might be true that she does not deserve you, or maybe she had a bad experience with dating the co-worker, maybe that's why she now wants to keep work and social activities separate...so before doing anything rash, maybe ask her what's going on with that. Tell her everything you just told us. After all, openness and honesty is the foundation of any good relationship in any case. But yeah if you feel a bit put out by that - and I would, too - do express that. Remember to speak directly yet do also try to stay calm. That's my advice, although I've been alone for ages so maybe I'm a bit behind the times, who knows... :slight_smile:
     
    #2 Damien, Aug 7, 2014
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2014
  3. HBI

    HBI
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2014
    Messages:
    42
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks Damien. I appreciate it. I don't think she's worth it anymore.Flipping out over something so minor makes me think she's hiding something. Maybe she's still seeing the guy she works with and is afraid I'll find out.
     
  4. Candace

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 8, 2013
    Messages:
    3,819
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Southeastern U.S.
    Gender:
    Male
    Well, tell me this then...how long do you have to drive to see her? I mean, distance alone should be a relationship stopper within itself, but her having to work so much? Each one of you has to put in effort in order for the relationship to work. It seems like you're doing the majority of that. So basically, she wants you to go see her, work around her schedule, yet she asks you to tell more about yourself. Sorry, not worth it. That doesn't seem right in my opinion since it seems very one-sided.
     
  5. Tudor

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2014
    Messages:
    92
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Cumbria
    Hi, don't know if she is hiding something but for me keeping work/life separate does not necessarily seem a bad thing...maybe given she had a relationship with a co-worker that didn't work out she has realised that mixing business and pleasure doesn't work for her...I don't know...I guess what action you take depends how strongly you feel about being part of every area of her life...what ever you decide I wish you good luck
     
  6. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It does seem like a red flag to me. Integrity is everything in a relationship. If she's not ready to have an open and honest discussion about her feelings and concerns, then, at least for me, it would not be a relationship I'd be comfortable with.
     
  7. HTBO

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2014
    Messages:
    376
    Likes Received:
    0
    I would ask her about it before making any final decisions. Was the co-worker she had a previous relationship with before male? Is she out at work? That could be why she doesn't want to bring you there, but if it is she should be honest about that.
     
  8. HBI

    HBI
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2014
    Messages:
    42
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks everyone. Here are answers to some of your questions. The reason I have to go to her is because she lives in a foreign country and the waiting list for a tourist Visa is years' long. She's not out out to anyone. She'd be disowned if her family found out. Homosexuality is not welcome where she lives. All her past relationships have been with men. And up until this incident, she has been nothing but wonderful and supportive. She works so much because she has no choice. To be honest, I'm more hurt than anything. The previous relationship was at a different job, but it made working together awkward.
     
  9. Black Raven

    Black Raven Guest

    Joined:
    May 6, 2014
    Messages:
    908
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Male
    I believe she deserves at least an honest discussion on how you feel about the whole situation, and why the heck she is acting like that.

    End if after that if you still feel that way once you spoke, but at least give her a proper chance to be honest. Her behaviour would be a red flag for me as well, but the answers she will give you might surprise you. Or not. Can only know if you try!
     
  10. HBI

    HBI
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2014
    Messages:
    42
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Update. I don't think things are looking very good for me. We planned to Skype on the weekend and she's cancelling to have lunch with friends she hasn't seen in a few months.
     
  11. user123456

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 7, 2014
    Messages:
    275
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Moravia, CZ
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    Some people
    IMO you're overanalysing things. You said yourself homosexuality is frowned upon in her country. I completely understand why she doesn't want to be seen on the workplace with you then. I know it is hard, but some places in this world simply aren't really free yet and we have to accept it.

    Ask her what's going on, give her a chance to explain. I don't want to unsult you, but this is a kind of "hysterical woman behaviour". Don't judge the situation until you know everything about it.
     
  12. NatWheeled

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 4, 2014
    Messages:
    243
    Likes Received:
    0
    This is why long distance relationships are very hard. They require a great deal of trust in their word alone. Dating in person, you can tell by looking in their eyes n by the sound of their voice, and let's not forget the all important body language. But online, you've only their word to rely on, with the occasional Skype session. Its extremely easy to have doubt's and overthink things. Its important to be cautious and to be aware of red flags for sure, but sometimes we see red flags where none exist. In all relationships there's risk. As for your "red flags".

    1. She seems reluctant to show you round her workplace

    Well, she's still very much in the closet, and furthermore in a place that is hostile to homosexuals. I'm still in the closet myself, and have been getting to know this amazing woman online. I adore her, but if she were to visit I'd avoid bringing her round people who know me well at first. Not because I'd have something to hide from her, but rather because I'd be afraid that my friends n family would notice that I was behaving oddly round her, that I was happier, on cloud nine, couldn't stop staring etc.....I'd be afraid I'd give myself away as a woman falling crazy in love with another woman. Perhaps this is the reason for her reluctance?

    2. She cancels a Skype session to hang with friends she hasn't seen for awhile

    Perhaps these friends are only in town for a very limited time? Trust me I'd be annoyed too but I'd try to be understanding.


    Sorry this is long. Bottom line I agree with the others, you should talk to her, tell her your concerns. See how she reacts n what she says. But ultimately you're gonna have to decide

    1. Do you trust her?
    2. Do you trust yourself?
    3. Is she worth it?

    Cause there will be more flags of doubt thrown. Continuous honest communication is key to making any long distance relationship work.