My (ftm) boyfriend and I have been together for over 15 months now. He has been on T for over 3 years and is mostly post - op (Hysto and Top). When we first were getting together, I was finally realizing that I am no longer interested/attracted to the typical male "down there" anatomy. I actually have always felt more interested in the female type genitalia ever since I can remember, but knew I always wanted to have a father for my children and felt more connected to the more male pillar in my life so never could come out as a lesbian. Generally, this makes my personal relationship combination a perfect match... but now we are adding stressors that could potentially destroy my relationship. I told him from the very beginning of our relationship the thought of bottom surgery did not sound appealing to me and I was worried for him to have this. At the time, I was more ignorant than anything but have spent a lot of time doing research on the Trans* subject since (he's the first ftm I've ever knowingly met. I'd probably have been in multiple ftm relationships had I known it was a thing!). He took what I said well and understood my point of view. It's an expensive endeavor and he wasn't exactly satisfied with the current technology vs the results/risks. He's admitted to me that the only really he really wants the surgery or ever considered it is because of the STP factor - he'd no longer have the worry or cumbrance of the device needed to make this happen, plus potential risk factors of this in public places with less understanding individuals. Ever more increasingly now that I have read and talked - I am not wanting him to go through this operation! I enjoy our current sex life tremendously- more than I have with anyone else. He gets me in a way that no one else has, and I do for him too. I LOVE the current anatomical configuration of his body and am so worried about what changes to our relationship - most specifically our sex life - that this change is going to bring. He tells me that he's willing to talk to me about this but he doesn't feel that it affects me at all. He also says that it is not going to change our sex at all. I feel it's SUPER unfair for him to say either of those statements. We live together, want to be married and have kids one day. Once he replaces the current hardware for a new, outward shape, it's not going to work the same way to achieve the same results. I think It affects me/us a lot! I constantly try to support him in everything and affirm that I love him exactly the way he is, that he doesn't have to/need to change himself for anyone and that he doesn't need this to be a man. He's more of a man to me than any I've ever been with in my life. I love him so much, but I don't know how to tell him that I'm freaking out and I don't know if I'm ok with this. If anyone has any positive thoughts that they can share, you have no idea how much I would appreciate it. I really am just glad I could finally just get my thoughts out on paper and not internalized inside myself.
I'm currently sort of contemplating dating a trans guy who has expressed interest in me, and have the same concerns for down the road. I don't want to hold him back from what he needs to be happy, but I worry that I will no longer be attracted once he's further along in his transition. Back to you. It sounds like you worry about the surgery because if you break up you will never find this same combination of traits in another person again. If you're holding on to him because you don't think you could ever find someone better, that's something you need to examine; but if you guys are really good together and want to make it work then one of you has to drastically change their expectations. I hope you can find some common ground, but you can't force him to make decisions about his body based around you. And it sounds like you've been honest about your feelings in the matter; hopefully this opens a dialogue instead of entrenches both of you in your points of view.
I definitely do not ever want to give him an ultimatum like that - that is SO unfair and not really a characteristic of my personality. I would prefer to find some sort of common ground - but is that a realistic goal?? He and I are SO good together and I do not feel that I could not find another person to be with, I don't WANT another person to be with. He's everything I've never known I've needed and we both feel that we've finally found the perfect partner in one another. I have the feeling that he is as scared at the prospect of losing me over this situation as I am him. I also know in my heart that how I feel about it probably won't affect his decision not to do this if he wants to. It's not really in his nature... but I thought we were on the same page with not doing it (at least not for like 10 years down the road) and then he just started talking about bottom surgery again out of the blue and pricing it out. It turned me pretty much upside down. I wish I knew the way we could walk out of this happy. I'm scared that we won't and I don't want to lose him as it took me almost 28 years to find him! (Sappy and lovey haha- sorry)
