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How do I get over her- messed up, depressed

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by fmik, Aug 7, 2014.

  1. fmik

    Regular Member

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    I recently came to the realization that I was into women. For a long time I just thought I was asexual as I felt nothing towards men or women. I had occasional crushes, checking people out but no desire to be with anyone. Then she came along and took my breath away. We were in grad school together for 6 years. But I got to know her only in the last year. She became my best friend and confidant. When she moved to the US, we were apart for 3 months. During that time I slowly began to realize how important she was and when she was with me I felt that life had a meaning and that everything would be ok. I moved the US to be near her, secretly loving her all this time. She asked me once if I was "gay" and I couldn't get myself to say yes since I was deeply in the closet and I was unable to tell her. After she asked me I started thinking more and more about how I felt and if I should say something to her. Unfortunately, during the time that I was trying to come to terms with my own sexuality, things were moving fast in hers and I was moody, unsupportive and without going into details (and rather not say either), I did something really dumb and she basically walked out of my life. She feels that I betrayed her trust. She is right and I would have done the same if I were her. She does not know that I loved her or women in general. I tried for many months to get in touch with her but she made it clear that she didn't want to have anything to do with me. So I did. I never did tell her how I felt. That may have shed light on the dumb thing I did probably wouldn't have made a difference. Once the trust is broken, it can never be rebuilt. It's been 4 years now, she got married to a man last year. I have moved along, made new friends and am pretty much busy with my life. But she is always at the back of my mind. Her smile, her laugh, the touch of her hand. I could see myself with her for the rest of my life. She is the only one for whom I was willing to come out of the closet for, even if she couldn't be mine. Now I am back in it. Doors are shut tight. How do I stop her from encroaching on my thoughts? How do I move past her?
     
  2. Redbud123

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    These things are... hard. You can move on from your mistakes, but never really forget them. The best way to get over something is redirection. You take all that passion and worry, and you focus it on something else. Be it a hobby, an interest, or work. Think of the ways she made you feel whole. What can you learn from that? If you look closely, you may find new passions, or a way to give yourself happiness.

    And actually, rather than coming out after falling in love, maybe by coming out, your next lover will be able to find you.

    Best of luck!
     
  3. fmik

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    I hope you are right. Thank you.
     
  4. Tudor

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    I think Redbud123 is right when they say you never forget them...you just have to find whatever works for you in helping you move on from the situation...learning lessons for the future...
    for me I write down my feelings...and explore 'from the safety of pen to paper' how things might have been if I'd made different choices...it doesn't make me forget...but it helps me cope with things...some writing I keep but a lot...(once I've released it from inside me) I destroy...
    I hope you can find your own way through :slight_smile:
     
  5. fmik

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    That's right. You never forget your mistakes. I have forgiven myself for making that mistake and moved on. I learned my lesson as well and never will I repeat it. Her loss has changed me in many ways. I am not as light of heart as I used to be, no longer quick to laugh as I once was. I no longer trust people as I used to. Some of the changes are good, some not as much. I think she was "the one". The way the books tell it - someone's mere presence making the heart beat faster. Their voice, their touch, each inflection beloved to you, a source of strength, someone who makes you a better person. I don't think I will ever feel that way about anyone again. But who knows..life is a long journey..