breaking up after 7 years. so miserable/confused

So this might be a long one. I'll try and sum it up as much as possible.

When my ex and I met, 7 years ago, neither of us were out and I was 28 and he was 21. It started out as just hooking up but then we got to know each other. We clearly were into each other in a lot of ways. Up until that point, I had only dated women (guess I was bi then? However, now, i realize that being with men is who I am) and thought that someday I would get married and have children. He always knew he is 100% gay.

So over the course of three years, we began to hang out more. We fell in love about a year in. The big difference was he was able to admit it and I wasn't. I began to push him away and not answer many of his texts or phone calls. It wasn't like I didn't want to see him. I loved him and enjoyed hanging out with him. However, I was deep in the closet. I Never had planned on coming out. So kept pushing him away, but he was persistent. I was such a dick. I get that now. However, I was in protect-myself mode and was selfish. I really hurt him by doing this. In retrospect, I see that now. I treated him terribly. However, at that point, I was so closeted and crazy about no one finding out, I would do terrible things. Not only would I not answer a lot of the texts, when he would come over I would not allow him to spend the night. God forbid any neighbors or someone that knew me drive by at the precise moment when he leaving see a guy leave my house in the morning. What at the time see like the right thing to do to keep anyone from finding out, was really taking a tole on him.

Over the years, our relationship continued and develped. I got to the point where I didn't care if anyone saw him leave in the morning...but still not out in any way. He came out about three years ago. First to some close friends and then to everyone. I was still deeply, deeply closeted. It still scared the living hell out me. We began to discuss how much we loved each other and how we were going to lead an amazing life together someday. I promised him that someday I would be ready to come out. I just kept putting it off and putting it off. It was to the point were his friends new I existed and was with him. However, I would never meet any of them. Never. I was terrible. At this point, I have no idea what I was afraid of. He'd ask me all the time to meet his best friends and I'd decline. Clearly, they thought I was a terrible person, but I'm not. I was terrified. This also took it's tole.

Then, He moved to another country to teach English. That was supposed to be the end. However, we'd end up skyping ever nigth for hours. We truly hated to be away from each other. While he was away, we'd talk about how much we loved each other and how much we wished were together. It was terrible being away from him. We both hated it. Our skype conversation were mostly about how awesome it was going to be when he returned and we planned on moving to boston and starting a real life together. So he comes back and I'm still terrified. I couldn't find it in myself to come out. I have no idea why. There's this amazingly awesome guy that I'm head over heals in love with and still couldn't do it. Again, at this point, I have no idea why.

Also, I still refused to meet any of his friends. Again, taking it's tole. So a little over a year ago, he told me that he was leaving and was moving to NYC. I couldn't believe it. I was going to lose the most important person. I knew it was my fault for being so terrified...which I came across as me being a dick. I promise that I'm not. But I'm sure it does to those reading this and it certainly did to him. I was a wreck. I's like my life was upside down and I wasn't whole. I then, more or less, begged him to stay and that I would change and come out....and meet his friends...and tell my friends.

Over the past year, my mom knows about him and many of my friends do. I met all his friends...at least the ones with whom I had the opportunity to meet. At this point I would tell anyone who asked me. I mean I don't go out and proclaiming I'm gay, but if anyone were to ask, I'd definitely tell them. I don't give and f anymore. It's no big deal. No one cares. I get all of that now.

So, over the course of a year, he moved in with me and things were great. At least I thought things were great. It was awesome to see him all the time...going to bed with him...waking up with him...helping each other out when we had the flu...eating together...everything. He decided to go back to school for an MBA. We had both been waiting tables (although I had had an actual career in finance for years...lost my job during the economic decline five years ago and began waiting tables).

Then at the beginning of July, I noticed he was acting weird. Evasive, going out and not inviting me, cold, distant. Then on July 5, he told me he was leaving and couldn't do this anymore. He says that he still can't get over how I made him feel in the past with not answering texts, not meeting his friends...etc. He's says that's a "character flaw" and that I'm really a terrible person in the core bc I'm capable of making someone else feel the way I made him feel. He also says is that I've been stagnant for too long and that I have no direction or motivation to find a career. However, he's only been in the MBA program for a about 6 months. It's not like I've not done anything with my life. Have a bachelor's degree. I made nearly six figures for years. I had always planned on getting an MBA myself and planned on doing so right before the first time we broke up. However, at that point, I thought putting us back together was a priority, so I didn't pursue it. I didn't think that was going to be a nail in the coffin of our relationship. What I see as putting of a person goal to fix the relationship with the one I love the most, he saw as giving up. He also says that he needs to know if he can make it on his own...he sometimes feels to domesticated.

So basically, it's been a month since he's lived here. I'm still a wreck. I can't believe this is happening. I miss him constantly. Every time I open my eyes in the morning, it hits me like a ton of bricks that he's not there. That I can't feel him next to me. I enjoy 0% of my day. Literally, there's not a moment of true happiness. I miss him so badly.

However, we still talk. It's so weird though. He says how much he still loves me and that he misses me. He says how awful his birthday was without me. I just don't get it. How could someone who loves you do this? I asked him several times if he's just saying that to make me feel better. His response to that is that if he didn't love me and still wasn't thinking about things and maybe working things out, he wouldn't want to talk to me. We have seen each other only four times. We both cry. The last times he came over, we had sex. It wasn't just sex. It was sex like we have always had...meaningful and loving. we slept here both time. was amazing to go to bed with and wake up with him. He admits that it was too.

However, he still insists on moving out. He says that we're just going to have to take baby steps and that I need to get my life together and find a real career. He says I'm all talk and that we he says he's going to do something he does it...reminder, he's only six months into a graduate program...he graduated from college 5 years ago and hasn't really had a real career himself.

At this point, I'm just so confused. I'm confused about why he is doing this. Why would you leave someone that you are so intensely in love with. His words, not mine. Personally, I would be with him through thick and thin. Even if he were in a car accident and lost both legs. Who would be there for him? Me. So he's leaving bc I'm a waiter? He's leaving because he can't gain closure from me being crazy and treating him like crap in the past? I told him that happened when I was way way way different point in my life and that there's nothing I would like more than to take it all back. I"d do anything to so so. However, he just can close that chapter.

I don't know what to do. Do I just move on? Do I just let him go? Do I stop all communication, even though it's clear he misses me and wants to talk to me? OR Do I continue to plead how apologetic about everything in the past? Do I continue to think that we we be together forever? He says he still sees me in his future and I always saw him in mine. Do I continue to let him make me feel like trash for stagnating so long? Even though I'm sure i'm going to incessantly look for a great job or go back for my own MBA.

I'm just so hurt and confused by all of this and it's all think about. All day. Sad and miserable.