I May Or May Not Love My Boyfriend (Help, Plz!)

Alternative titles for this thread include "I Am Dating The Perfect Man, But I'm Not Really Into Men", "When Am I Going To Quit Leading This Poor Guy On?", and "I Broke Up With Him Once, Regretted It Every Second We Were Apart, Got Back With Him, And Now Wonder Why In The Actual Heck My Subconscious And Sexuality Don't Agree."

So...there's this guy. I met him in our school's Spoken Word Poetry Club about three years ago. He and I quickly became friends. Before I knew it, he wanted to be a bit more than friends (i.e. was [and still is] convinced that he is absolutely, totally, irrevocably in love with me and that he wants to be with me forever and ever and all that cheesiness). At this stage in my life, I was fairly certain that I was a lesbian and told him as such, which he accepted gracefully. Well, as time went on, that lesbianism started to slide a bit to the left of the Kinsey scale: I couldn't stop thinking about this guy, and he would make my heart flutter. And how could I not fall for him? He is intellectually gifted, writes beautiful, rhythmically-pleasing, emotionally-wrenching poetry, is one of the kindest, most compassionate individuals I have ever met in my entire life, loves animals and children and treats them better than would most people, makes me laugh more than does just about anyone else, shares my passion for and ability to click through random YouTube videos for hours upon end, accepts my aloofness, emotional oddities, profuse clusminess, and a shyness that would appear to conflict with his profuse extroversion, and is fairly pretty to gaze upon.

The problem is, though, that, in spite of how I adored him and cared for him and thought the world of him, the chemistry was just not there--at least not for me--and I felt that I was leading this poor, wonderful guy into an eternally unfulfilling relationship, for I could never feel for him as he felt for me. Thus, after three-and-a-half-months of a blissful-yet-completely-unintimate relationship, I broke it off with him, stating that my attractions simply do not swing in favor of his male anatomy and Y chromosome, that he did no wrong, and that he had every right to resent me and to cut contact but that I still respected him deeply as an individual and hoped to remain friends with him. He was completely, utterly understanding about the situation, and remain friends we did...though he did swear that he would always love me and that he would never "give up hope" that we could be together.

The greater problem is that I am an idiot who is prone to making the same darn mistakes.
See, as I was composing the break-up poem that I sent to him over email (I know, very mature of me [/sarcasm]), I had this absolutely horrible feeling in my gut and soul that I was making a grand mistake. This feeling haunted me for the entire eight-or-so months that we were once again "just friends." I dreamt about him frequently and was still just as taken with awe by him as I always had been. Though he was never pushy or demanding about it, he would occasionally mention something along the lines of "I still haven't given up on you and I still love you very, very much." Well, being the sucker I am for being loved and having the feelings of whatever it is that I feel towards him, I eventually agreed to give our relationship a second try, though I did so with much hesitance and warned him that this try may not be any more successful than the last.

And here we are, almost a year later. With me being so unsure and aloof and with he being so respectful and patient, we only had our first kiss a few days ago. And, honesty, it made my skin crawl...and not in the pleasant way. He is steadily, but patiently, moving forward with the physical contact, pecking on the lips quite frequently since that first kiss, wanting to cuddle (platonically), and tickling me (again, platonically)...and it makes me feel rather cold towards him, as though, for a second, whatever admirance I have towards him fades into annoyance and mere tolerance. Now, it is not that he is being forceful or that he has done anything wrong; he is, indeed, very respectful about my boundaries and uncertainties. It is just that I would rather him not touch me much, and I would much rather that he not kiss me...

...but I know that these would be rather unfair restrictions to place upon a heterosexual male (and, yes, he is actually both sexual and hetero. He's been patient, but he has mentioned several times that he eventually wants the full marriage-kids-intimacy package that so often comes with being in a heteronormative relationship).

That little cricket in the back of my head that they call "common sense" is telling me that I was on the right track the first time that I thought this relationship would not work, that I should break it off once more and call it a gay (pun intended). But there are other crickets chirping, too, telling me that I do really care for this guy, that he is truly one-of-a-kind, and that I will never meet anybody who is as respectful, compassionate, and genuinely, unconditionally accepting as he is. Yet another cricket chirps that I am being selfish and unfair and that I should let him be in a relationship with someone who can actually provide him with the intimacy that he craves and deserves (now to convince him that there are other females...), to which another cricket replies that it is clear that I am the one that he wants and that I clearly want him if I stayed with him this long and went back with him the second time, to which yet another cricket replies that we're both young and that there are billions of women on this planet, one of which is bound to be a better match for him than I and one of which is bound to be a better match for me than him, to which another cricket exclaims that I never related wanted to be in a goshdarn relationship with 'real' people, anyways! It gets quite chaotic in my head.

Now, I know that one cannot tell how much in love a person is with another over an internet post and how that person should proceed, but I am nevertheless asking for your advice. Do I stay with him, even though it is very clear that I am not physically attracted to him, or do I end the relationship, even though I care very deeply for him?

Thank you for your time, and I apologize for the absurd length of this post.

 

Thank you all for your advice and your compassion.


@Nekokoneko: I hope that you both can eventually find peace and happiness in your situations, whatever the outcome may be.

 

Update: Well, I did it. I wrote him an elegant letter telling him that he did nothing wrong and that he was wonderful but that this relationship would eventually end badly for the both of us due to my inability to have chemistry with his gender [does the fact that I delivered said letter to him after hanging out with him (we had planned to hang out today a while in advance)--although trying to subtly hint at what was coming by being a bit more distant than usual--make this better or worse? This is not a rhetorical question; my social skills are genuinely pretty non-existent].

He understands. He's heartbroken, and I'm sad that he's heartbroken, but he understands. May time heal his wounds, and may his genuine, true, star-crossed lover find him soon.