Omg i told him how i felt!!

So I told the guy im in love with that we needed to talk so I picked him up and we went for a drive. After stopping at a store we returned to the car and he asked me what we needed to talk about. It was SOO hard to get the words out and he kind of guessed "Is it about us?" i said yes. "Our relationship?" yes. "You like me?" And then I began to explain that it was more than that. I brought up the couple of times we did things and I told him I'd fallen for him and have been in love with him for a while. He was very understanding and told me that he thinks he's bad for me. But after about a half hour of talking he pretty much thanked me for telling him. That was awkward but satisfying.

So I thought that conversation was done, I was driving to take him back home and we were talking about what we plan to do in the near future, we're both graduating next year, and he ended up saying, without any instigation, that he'd be cool with "us being like friends but we hang out and if we were roommates we could snuggle and make out maybe." and my dumb ass kind of shrugged it off but agreed :eusa_doh: :bang: and then he said "like in the middle of the night I'd lay in your bed, like 'i cant fall a sleep can i lay with you'" AND OMG. I dont know why but I kind of played it like no big deal :bang:but I was so damn shocked he said all that and after like a minute of silence I admitted that to him, that i was surprised. Then eventually we said our "see ya laters" because we'll see each other at at work.

OK. I AM SO HAPPY. On my ride back home alone I was so smiley and happy and I cant contain it. Its not even because of his cute comments but just that I finally told him after all these years. Im so relieved and content, I didnt really expect a specific reaction but Im satisfied with what went down. And he explained that he wants to get his life together first, because he's kind of a bad boy i guess, before he explores our relationship but he said we'll see what happens between us. I wasnt really asking for a relationship like that, and he knows this, but it makes me feel not so out of line when I told him. OH im so relieved. And it seems like me telling him is going to make us closer. Any thoughts? Those who know my story Im sure this is big news :eusa_danc tell me what ya'll think.

 

Im not really expecting him to feel the same way. I came to terms with the fact that him and I being "we" is nearly impossible a long time ago. But finally telling him has been one less burdened carried. And I think it'll make us closer. Of course I wish we could be together but Im not expecting it or asking for it. Im just super happy I told him.

 

So Ive decided to tell him that I dont want that "friends with benefits" thing he had mentioned. I dont want to torture myself trying to make something between us. It sounds weird but I love him more than anything but I'd rather move on than wait on him and just get hurt. I came to this conclusion with the help of a good friend. And Im goin to explain my final decision.

My "crush" is very much a wild card when it comes to relationships, hes not good at keeping a relationship even if he wants to. ESPECIALLY with boys, i dont think he wants to date guys he just enjoys the sexual experience he can get from them. And even though hes becoming a much better person, I dont want to wait on him hoping for something that he might eentually reject. I love him and will always love him but I think I owe it to myself to finally get over him afte all these years of pain. I dont want to go through another second of that. Even though he is the one that said he'd rather just see what happens between us, I dont. I want to learn to live with him as a friend but move one and find someone I can rely on in love. I want to explain this to him but I think I should wait while before I drop another emotional bomb on him :rolle: but I need advice on how I should say this. I dont want to sound like its him because it really isnt its more of me being selfish I guess. I just dont want to live through another year of thinking theres a "what if" and them be disappointed and broken hearted. Thanks everyone for the support and I hope this relationship works out.

 

So he's moving .. to a whole other state. When he first told me this morning I wasnt very upset but after the day past, I was chilling with friends all day but he was on my mind. I just wish I could have had one more day with him just to hang out and enjoy ourselves, nothing but laughs and fun. I just regret not getting to know the new man he's trying to become. Im proud of him, and maybe its for the best but I'll miss him. He wants to keep in touch, he asked for skype and he said I was the first person he told and I didnt say anything I wanted to, I just accepted it. With no emotion. The one thing I hate about being in love is the emptiness I feel every night trying not to love harder, but every time I think I get close to moving on something happens to remind me how much I love him and it pains me more than anything Ive ever felt in my life and I know it may be hard to believe but as I texted him tonight I just wish I left him with something more meaningful than just a "oh..."

I guess Im just now learning how bad I really do love him and it just hurts. I dont want him to go. I think I just need to admit it to someone.