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Relationship Problems

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by hiddenxrainbows, Aug 17, 2014.

  1. hiddenxrainbows

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    So I've been with this guy for about two years and two months. We've been officially living together since March, though he spent a lot of time at my house before then. Oh and before I continue, I am SOOO sorry for this giant wall of a post, and I thank anyone who actually puts the time forth to read the whole thing. I really appreciate it. I just needed some place to rant about things because I'm really starting to get stressed and I just need to get some of this off my chest.

    At first, our relationship was good. But now, it's been extremely rocky for a good while. One thing is his anger issues. He gets extremely pissed off over little things and then gives me the silent treatment. He'll just start yelling at me and being real snippy and pissy, saying things like "I don't want to fucking be around you right now! Fuck off!" And then, ignore me. Unless I try to protest in any way or ask what I did wrong, then he screams at me and insults me until I leave him alone. But I don't even have to do anything sometimes for him to act like this. And when I do do something wrong, a lot of the time, it's something small that shouldn't warrant such a hateful response. Especially since he likes to belittle me when he does this, saying really mean things that makes it sound like he doesn't care about me at all, doesn't care about being with me, or something like that. Every time he acts like this, he makes me feel like such a piece of crap. I asked him MONTHS ago, at least three or four months ago, to go see a doctor about it and see about getting some sort of counselling or something, but he has yet to do it. He never even called to make an appointment until a few weeks ago. But he didn't even go because he cancelled because he "had to go to work and couldn't get out of it." So he rescheduled. But ended up cancelling AGAIN for the same reason. And he hasn't made another appointment or looked into it at all since. Even though he doesn't work that much, so he has plenty of time to go to an appointment. And even though I've asked him multiple times to do so. But every time I bring it up, he gets extremely pissy with me, like I'm asking him to move the world for me or something. I'm just sick of getting treated like a piece of shit all the time. I want, no I NEED, him to fix it because I can't be in a relationship like this again. My boyfriend before him had anger issues and emotionally, as well as physically, abused me throughout our whole relationship. My current boyfriend knows this, and he used to promise that he'd never treat me like that. But now, he is and he won't even admit it. If I bring it up, he gets pissy with me and tries to deny it or act like it's MY fault, that I purposely do things to piss him off that bad, or that there's nothing wrong with him and his anger is nothing but "normal" anger. There have been a few times when he'd acknowledge that there was something wrong, and he was sorry and would fix it, but then the next day, or the next few hours, he'd be back to "normal" and wouldn't be concerned about fixing it anymore.
    And even when he's NOT giving me the silent treatment, he has ways of making me feel like complete crap. I've had depression problems all my life, and the last several months have been brutal for me. I've started self-harming again every so often. But I try not to. Most of the time when I feel the urge to do that, I go to him and try to spend time with him. But if I try telling him that I'm feeling like that and ask him to get off his computer or whatever he's doing, more than half the time, he'll yell at me and get pissed at me, tell me that he's pissed at me and doesn't want to be around me. I've tried being nice and not demanding or clingy, but he still acts like this. I've even told him that I feel like hurting myself, but he'll just yell at me and say he doesn't care, he just can't stand being around me. And recently, I've been thinking about death a lot. Yes, I know I need some help. I'm talking to a counsellor now, once a week. And I'm not going to do anything drastic. I feel bad, but I can't bring myself to end it. But him treating me like this when I really need him makes me feel worse. I've tried telling him this after the fact, when we were on good terms again, that he can't simply brush me aside when he's playing games or whatever when I'm feeling like that, when I'm actually trying to reach out for help, because it just makes things worse. Sometimes, he'll apologize and promise not to do it again. But he always does.

    Not only that, but we almost never have sex. We used to all the time, but after being together for a while, it just basically stopped. I know that most of the time, after being in a relationship with someone for a while, the sex slows down. But this hasn't slowed down for us. It's basically stopped altogether. If we have sex, I am the one to initiate it. ALWAYS. And most of the time when we do stuff anymore, he seems more concerned about himself than me. He'll care about getting off, but as soon as that happens, fun time is over. He rarely ever gets me off. And it is soooo irritating! Whenever I do stuff with him, I want BOTH of us to get off. I love him, but I don't do all that stuff just to give him an orgasm. I want one too!! But anytime I bring this up anymore, he gets pissed off. "Why is getting off the only thing you care about?! Don't you care about just being close to me? Why does it matter if you don't get off every time?" And he's said other things. He just acts like it's such a freaking hassle, like it's not worth it or something, like the only reason we do sexual stuff is for him to get off and not me. I could handle not getting off every time, since I do have a vagina and it does take a while for me to be done. But if I am in a long-term relationship with someone, I expect them to get me off SOMETIMES. I am not his slave or something, I am his partner. He should care about my needs. I care about him and am willing to do anything for him. I just would expect him to care about me a little more. He used to, but not anymore, it seems. Not only that, but again, I am the only one to initiate it. And we have sex like once a week or two, if that. I have a high sex drive, I can't live off sex once a week. Especially since if I am in a relationship with someone and really love them, I love being close to them like that and showing that I care. But the heck if he does! I've tried soo many things to be intimate with him throughout the last several months. I've bought lingerie, I've tried learning new things for the bedroom. I've even come out to the living room naked several times to try to get a response from him, but most of the time, he'd rather play on his computer than be close to me or even look at my body. A lot of the time, his body will even respond to me, if you know what I mean, but 90% of the time, he'll just get mad at me and yell that he doesn't want to do anything. I've even tried NOT initiating things and just waiting for him to do something. But he never does...

    And the last thing is he's super lazy. After months of me doing ALL the cleaning and paying more than 50% of the bills, I got pissed and made a deal with him: if he could keep the house clean and do ALL the cleaning, I would pay most of the bills. It's been about two months since then, and he's barely done anything. There were at least two or three times where I was forced to do the dishes because he didn't do them and they piled up so much, we barely had any clean dishes and dirty dishes were everywhere. The house is becoming dirtier and dirtier, and I am getting ashamed of living in it. I've tried several times to get him to clean. I've tried asking him nicely, I've tried being a bitch and threatening him, I've even shut his computer off while he was on it and told him to get up and go clean. No matter what I do, he doesn't do anything. He'd rather sit in front of his computer and play WoW all day. Even whenever I ask nicely for him to clean, he gives me an attitude, like I'm asking too much of him or something.

    I am getting sooo sick of him. Sometimes, our relationship will seem good. We'll be getting along, talking, maybe watching a movie together. And I forget about all the crappy stuff because when we get along like that, the crappy stuff doesn't matter anymore. When we get along, it's great. But when we fight, it's horrible. A few months ago, I proposed to him and he said yes. But we haven't actually started making any wedding plans yet; hell, barely anyone even knows that we're engaged now. It's almost like he's embarrassed to tell anyone or something. Sometimes, I do feel like I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but then he starts being difficult again. And it makes me not want to even try anymore. It makes me wish that I'd never let him move in. Because if we weren't living together with a lease tying us together, I could leave him a lot easier and be done with all this immature bull crap. I feel like I'm stuck in this relationship because of our place and the lease. The lease doesn't end til the beginning of March next year. So unless I talked to my landlord and tried to get him kicked out, then I'm stuck with him. I'm sure I could talk to the landlord and get something worked out. It would just be a hassle. And I don't want him to look down on me, because I had to kick out my last boyfriend too. But that one threw me through the wall (I had evidence because there was a giant hole in the wall that needed replaced and the neighbor even heard). But I feel like if I tried getting rid of my current boyfriend now, then the landlord would just look down on me and think that I'm immature or something and can't handle an "adult" relationship and I have to keep jerking him around with roommates or something. That and the fact that before my boyfriend moved in with me, he lived with his parents. But if he leaves this house, he can't go back to their place. His sister moved back into their house, and there's no more room for anyone else. And he just told me the other day that he might have lost his job, so he wouldn't even be able to afford to get a place on his own. So if I kick him out, he'd basically be homeless.

    If he actually ACTED like he was willing to change, then I would have more hope for our relationship. But he isn't even trying anymore, and it's really starting to drain me. I mean, my depression is bad enough without him acting like this and making things worse for me. I need someone supportive who will actually try to understand and help, not someone who screams at me and pushes me away. I just don't know what to do....
     
  2. Nychthemeron

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    I'm sorry. (*hug*)

    Do you have any idea why he has changed? Any idea at all?

    If you're willing to try to talk it out with him one more time, you can try waiting for when he's in a good mood. Those times where your relationships seem to be good. I don't know how that will play out, though.

    Best of luck. I hope everything goes well. (*hug*)
     
  3. hiddenxrainbows

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    Thank you so much! It helps a lot that someone actually cares ^_^

    I am not sure at all. He used to never act like this, but now he acts ridiculous a lot of the time. I thought maybe he's having depression problems now or something, because he has gained weight, sleeps more, and his sex drive has went down. But he won't really talk to me about it.
    I talked to him a little today, and I told him we can't let our relationship keep going on like this. He agreed. I asked him to go see a doctor about stuff, and he said he would. So I'm really hoping that he actually does it this time and tries to get it worked out. Because I really think talking to someone would help him immensely. He just needs to actually get started getting help.

    Thanks, again. I hope it does work.
     
  4. Nychthemeron

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    I hope both he and you will be okay. Glad you managed to talk it out a little. Keep us updated, maybe?
     
  5. dapulu

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    First of all I'm sorry that all this is happenning to you, and I'm sorry if what I'm about to say seems harsh, but I have seen plenty of cases like this.

    He's a fucking kid. He's no adult. He's not mature enough to be in that kind of relationship...and honestly I don't think he's going to be ready for marriage, things will probably stay the same. I get that you love him and he's your soulmate and he's your life...but he's just being a hassle at this point. I think he just got the full adult-bag in his shoulders and he didn't like it. Remember he lived with his parents. You're gonna be daddys and mommys replacement by paying the bills while he just spends his time doing what he wants.

    Another point of being in a relationship is to improve the quality of life in an emotional and physical way, and I think you're just denying that the issues he has are a dealbreaker. Maybe because he seems better than your exboyfriend, and in a way he is, but that doesn't quit the fact that he's making you feel like crap and he can't hold his part in the relationship.

    You've already talked to him and even put threats, but he's not budging and because you really don't do much about him staying the same, he knows you mean the world to him so he's not doing shit. Been there, done that.

    I don't really wanna advise anything than: Is he really worth it?
     
    #5 dapulu, Aug 18, 2014
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2014
  6. kaminari

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    DON'T FREAKING MARRY HIM HE'S NEVER GOING TO CHANGE!!!!!!!!!

    Sorry for that dramatic debut.
    Anyways, I agree with the poster above. He's got some real big issues and if he. Isn't willing to fiz them don't expect that he'll do it just for you. He barely shows you any respect, causes you to harm yourself and he isn't even concerned with the consequences of his actions. Regarding the sex, if you want to confront him then you should reflect his questions back (eg 'why does it matter if you don't get off all the time?' You: 'why does it matter that you DO?' And then next time don't climax him and give him blue balls lol). If he isn't willing to satisfy your BASIC NEEDS during what is meant to be a PLEASURING and BONDING EXPERIENCE, he won't do it anywhere else. Sex is all about giving and he's just taking. It's hard but there are WAY better and considerate people out there. If I could, I would totally beat him up, but that's just me. I'd also probably go to jail for assault and attempted manslaughter against him... But I don't recommend you go that far if seeking vengeance lol :slight_smile:
     
  7. GrumpyOldLady

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    I'm going to agree with kaminari and dapulu. I think you yourself know what you really want to do, and that's break up with him. Maybe he'll change, but the odds are strongly against it, and it sounds like it's already affecting your mental health. I know it's really hard when you're living together, but don't feel guilty about leaving him, don't worry about what your landlord thinks. You deserve much better than someone who treats you like crap, you are worth so much more.

    Are you in counseling yourself? I think it might really help you, especially since you've been in an abusive relationship before. Some habits and reflexes are hard to stop on your own.
     
  8. wasgij

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    Relationships sometimes end, and it's OK. I don't want to 'push' you in a direction that you don't feel comfortable with, but I'm just reminding you about stuff that you probably already know.

    Stuff like, looking after number 1, and setting boundaries. By staying with him even though he's being abusive, you're kind-of enabling his continued bad behaviour.

    It should never get to the point where you're both sick of each other.