Feeling really depressed! Need opinions!

Well if you ask him if he's gay or not, then there's a chance that he might 1. tell the truth and come out to you 2. deny that, but you have evidence to prove anything against what he says 3. He lies, but you have evidence

At least you have concrete evidence and stuff. I'd say...go for it!!

 

I don't know honestly from your descriptions. I have a couple of male friends that fit a lot of those bills but they are as far as I can know straight straight straight. Other people have made all kinds of comments. I say to them and to everyone that they are my brothers, my family, I love them as much as or more than blood. I count them with my real brother. We hug a lot, have extended eye to eye contact and can talk in a way that no one else quite gets. I love having people with me that actually like me and want me to be around and get upset if I go missing for a while, just like I do with them.

 

Hi Shyguyww, I know what you are going through. Your story reminds me much of what I went through with my friends. All the signs you detailed above, are the same ones I would see in my friend. Just like, I even when through his phone and he had no calls from girls. Are we not crazy for doing this? I can't sit here and offer you advice as I was a mess as well. All I can say is that it will get better. Also, just like you, I was not able to focus in school and I ended up dropping out. Worst mistake of my life. All that I can say is stay busy. Don't over think things. Do more of what makes you happy. If it's meant to be between your friend and you, it will be. I know it's hard not to think about someone you love, but just stay strong and focus on what is really important and that is finishing grad school and getting your life together. My friend and I don't talk as I messed up big time and I cannot say that I am over him, because to be honest, I think about him daily. I even dream about him. I can't force him to like me. I want him to be happy even if it's not with me. I think you should come out to him and just see his reaction. If he is gay, he might feel comfortable enough to come out to you as well. If he is not, respect his decision and just enjoy his friendship. Don't question it or rush things.

 

He sounds a lot like me when i was younger. Back when i was 14 i had this major crush on my best friend. He was a typical jock, built like a brick shithouse and really popular. I was absolutely petrified that he might find out that i was gay. I hid it from him for so long that it was affecting my school work and life at home. The day he came out to me was all i needed to finally let him know how i felt. He said that it was a huge relief because he'd had a crush on me too.

There's a few situations that you described and i want to tell you what may be happening to him.

Well it's possible he's acting as well.

It could be a sign that he's afraid that he might get aroused. Then again he may also just feel as though he doesn't quite "measure up".

This would certainly have scared him if he was gay and indeed had feelings for you. This may have been enough for him to think that you are straight. By trying to get him to engage you may have inadvertently pushed him further into the closet.

I'd be panicking too if i were in that situation. We're all terrified that someone will find out we are gay before we are ready to tell people. He could very well be worried that he hasn't been hiding it well enough from you.


From what you describe, i think that there is a good chance that he is gay. He certainly seems to enjoy your company, indeed thrives on it. I know you said he isn't the shy type but he could very well be when it comes to his orientation.

I know that this isn't what you wanted to hear but i think that you should come out to him first. Leave out all the details about your crush on him as too much all at once could scare him off. Just tell him what you told us about feeling depressed about keeping it a secret for so long. Tell him that he's the first one to know because he is such a good friend and you know that he's always been there for you. You've portrayed a straight guy so well that he may be scared to tell you. He could very well just be waiting for some sign before he makes a decision.

If you wait until you have proof that he's gay, you may never get it if he's scared about how you will react. By letting him know about your orientation, it may very well be the catalyst for him to reconcile his feelings and tell you. I'm not saying it'll happen straight away like it did with me though.

If he starts asking questions i'd take it as a positive sign. All i can say is answer truthfully.

 

When we develop a crush on a someone, particularly someone we are already close to, we are constantly looking for any clues that may offer confirmation of our thoughts, feelings, hopes and desires. So, even if we spot something very subtle we will magnify it in our own minds and keep adding to it, convincing ourselves all the while that our crush could indeed become something more. Let me be clear, I mean none of that in a harsh or dismissive way, as the clues you have witnessed could be very real and genuine signs that your friend does harbour deeper feelings for you, but if you are too focused on seeking out confirmation it's possible to miss the much bigger signs that would contradict your feelings. I say all of this as a simple note of caution.

So what might the clues mean? Well, keeping in mind that note of caution, they could indeed point to something much deeper and it's entirely possible he may be asking himself the very same questions you are asking us. He will, no doubt, have observed your mannerisms and reactions just as closely. He too may be wondering how to broach the subject and you could have a stalemate situation where neither one of you is showing their hand. It's a possible scenario.

So, how can you move forward? Well, one of you will have to be a little bit brave. That doesn't necessarily mean coming out, but it does mean testing the water and checking reactions. You need to have some sort of serious conversation about gay relationships.

Every week there seems to be a news item about some celebrity or sportsman/woman coming out and it might be useful for you to mention something like this in conversation with your friend (a way of raising the subject). More importantly, it would be a good idea to say that you are supportive and make all the right/tolerant noises to demonstrate that you are completely relaxed about same sex relationships, all the while checking his reaction, comments and feedback about it. If you get a positive vibe back I would not let the moment pass to come out yourself, but be prepared, as he may then ask how you feel about him. How would you respond?

Hope you can find a way to move forward.

 

I agree. Your feelings for him could be magnified, your picking up on things that aren't actually there, over analyzing, etc.. But, from what you describe, he could be non-straight. He hasn't had a girlfriend in a long time and is scared to talk to girls. But then again, a straight guy could fit this description. However, the scared look on his face when you joke about him being gay is something I wouldn't expect a straight guy to have.

Now this next part will be tough. If he's scared of gay comments about him, you'll have to let him know that you agree with such and such LGBT news, etc.. And possibly, if you feel like you two are close enough to tell each other everything, then you could start with saying that you aren't straight. He definitely doesn't sound like he's going to come out anytime soon (if he is gay/bi), so you'll have to lead the way on this.